DH driving me spare with clutter

[Failedspinster]

I'll try and stay concise here.

My DH is not quite a hoarder, but a terrible accumulator of Stuff - books, clothes, DVDs, etc. We live in a smallish house and have two children here full time, plus DSS part time, and the levels of clutter are making me a bit claustrophobic. Our hallway cupboard is full to the ceiling and we can't find anything in there without taking everything out. Bookcases are double stacked and often have books piled on top of them too, and every surface is a magnet for clutter. It's hard to find stuff, and I'm constantly tidying up to keep the place relatively clean.

i used to be almost as bad as him, but i have decluttered most of my stuff and it's now reaching an acceptable level. DH still has shedloads of stuff - he promises endlessly to declutter but only ever does a tiny bit at a time. Then he will often insist that he needs to eBay stuff rather than donate it, which means it sits in a box for ages waiting for him to list it.

I have repeatedly (and supportively) raised this with him to no avail - he just gets defensive, and says that he is getting rid of things, or will do, usually while buying more. He says he has no time to do it because of work, housework or our new baby, or this month he's doing NaNoWriMo - but I've asked him all the way through my pregnancy and before it too, and he still never did it! I've suggested a five minute declutter every night, or filling one bag of stuff to get rid, or cleaning off one shelf at a time, ive even sat down with him and done bits, and it sometimes helps but more often not. I'm so fed up.

We're now reaching critical mass. Our baby is due to go in his own room after Christmas, a room which is currently DSS' room when he's here. It's full of DH's clutter, like everywhere seems to be. And nothing ever gets cleared out! With two small children here full time, we really don't have enough space for all this. He accepts this, but still won't commit to actually getting rid of any substantial amount. AIBU? And if IANBU, how can I make this happen?

I feel like getting a skip and chucking it all.

Failed

I think it's possible that he'll find it easier to throw away some of DS1's old stuff but in my own experience, it will make little difference to throwing away some of his own junk. There's also the possibility that it will actually form a justification of sorts to him to keep on as he's doing because ('But we did throw away all that stuff before Xmas, darling - what are you going on about?'. (He gets to keep you happy - or so he thinks - without any personal challenge.))

Try to get him (gently) to dispose of some of his own junk if only enough to fill a poly bag. The reaction to that will tell you the size of your problem.

WitchWay my mother could have written your post, down to the description of the house. She won't ever leave though (unfortunately).

I am pretty that DH and I may well have to stay in a hotel over Christmas (first time this has arisen, due to circumstances) because my father's tide of stuff has taken over so much of the house.

BTW, in case I seem harsh, I am definitely someone who has hoarding tendencies (until last year I had never rid myself of any of my books) so I do know how hard it can be. But the above strategies helped me, and once I got going I found I was actually quite ruthless - seeing the house without stuff everywhere inspired me to carry on, so I used to say 'While my son is in the bath I will find 20 books to get rid of' and other quick and easy ways to get rid of stuff which didn't involve poring over every single item endlessly as that is what would convince me that I needed to keep it!

DoJo

Be careful - it can go the other way so that you get your satisfaction not out of keeping stuff but from throwing it out. (Do you ever get a good 'completed' feeling from seeing your rubbish bin full of stuff?)

In my experience, both reactions are down to a .....not straightforward..... relationship with material goods and both are dangerous when extreme.

Ha ha - no danger of that in my case, just a nice, well-organised house where there is actually room for everything in the storage available rather than stuff spilling out all over the show. My tendency to hoard is not as extreme as some of those on this thread, but I can completely sympathise with those who feel it more strongly which is why I have so many brilliant ideas!

Good luck with that OP.

Your DH is definitely a hoarder, it just hasn’t got to the level of the ones you see on the TV programmes. DO NOT get a storage facility as he will replace all the clutter in the house sooner or later so then you will end up with the house just as cluttered and paying for storage at the same time. Better storage is not the answer – getting rid of things is the answer.

Please don’t secretly get rid of stuff without his knowledge / consent, as some PPs have suggested – it will make him resentful and even more determined to hang on to everything else, and make him mistrustful of anything you say. But equally, don't let him get away with doing nothing about it, as that will only make things worse.

It sounds as if he does accept what you say in theory, it’s just the actual doing of it that he’s stuck with. You need to be firm and push him, but he needs to do it himself. To every “it’s not the right time” then he needs to specify when IS the right time, and not be allowed to get out of it then. Start with whatever is easiest / least stressful for him – that will be the stuff to which he has the least emotional attachment. Even if it’s not the stuff you most want rid of, still let him decide what is the easiest bit to do.

Re. the baby’s room, I think it would be reasonable for you to clear the room, putting everything into boxes or bin bags, and give him a reasonable deadline to sort through it.

If you are within reach of London, this monthly group might help:
www.ocdaction.org.uk/support-group/london-hoarding-treatment-group

If he doesn't like the idea, you can attend yourself, to get some more understanding of the condition and suggestions for how to tackle it.

PM me if you want some more suggestions.

.....It sounds as if he does accept what you say in theory, it’s just the actual doing of it that he’s stuck with.......

Those would just be 'words' Mitzi and they're generally good with words. Get a hoarder on the subject of their justification and they can usually keep themselves happy for hours. It's the doing that's the only thing that matters and if they can't do that, there's a problem to be addressed in my view.

I'm sorry if that sounds like cynicism - it's just that having been in this situation more than once, I often lack optimism.

I realise that, cozietoesie, but hoarders often don't realise or accept that there is a problem. They are in denial. The OP's DH, on the other hand, DOES accept that he needs to do something, so the OP just needs to find a way to move him forward from agreement to action.

That's a point. It's worth a try anyway.

Not to drip feed, but he is generally an appalling procrastinator when something annoying or not that pleasant needs doing, so I do think he's genuinely committed to getting rid of stuff, he's just taking his time doing it.

OK - break the task down into manageable chunks. I don't like tidying much but I do like a tidyish home . Either limit it by time or the number of items that have to be done and do a bit every day (I work by time often so work in 15 min bursts). It might seem frustrating at first but if you could get him to sort out 10 items and either bin or ebay them straight away, in 2 weeks your would have cleared 140 things.

End result is still the same though, Failed, don't you think?

he is generally an appalling procrastinator when something annoying or not that pleasant needs doing

This avoidance is a classic symptom of a compulsive hoarder. CBT can really help with this. Generally speaking, the fear of disposing of something builds up in the hoarder's mind to unbearable levels, so they can't bring themselves to face up to it. There are exercises the hoarder can do, to overcome this.

i find my DH is much better at getting rid of stuff if he knows its going to be recycled rather than skipped, he hate throwing stuff away.

Mine procrastinates to the nth degree as well. Unprocessed paperwork, unfilled forms, unwritten thank you cards, DIY jobs left for literally years. Any encouragement is seen as nagging which causes further delay as he's then annoyed with me about it.

If I'd known what it was going to be like, I wouldn't have married him.

Did anyone see the 'Can't stop won't stop hoarding' programme on Channel 5 in Feb this year? I think it is on catchup tv but I am not too technically savvy so can't find a link which works. It featured a hoarder in Cardiff who had a total beast of a hoard and his grandchildren age 8,8 (twins) and 11 could never go round to visit as there was no space for them. He had EIGHT of the old box type televisions scattered in the hoard in his front room - all broken and waiting to be mended. he couldn't grasp that nobody wanted them anymore. He had 6 bags full of carrier bags which disintegrated they had been there so long. He had tins in the kitchen which were so old they had no barcodes on them. He had newspapers in a pile by the front door dated 1972. 173 odd shoes. One day he injured himself badly and was not allowed home from hospital until his house was clear. - One HELL of a job that. His daughter had to spend six weeks of eight hour days at the house as well as work and a young family. He and his daughter were on the documentary as well as on 'This Morning' with Eamon and Ruth. I know how hard it was - I am that man's daughter. :(

Izzy. Is EH nice in real life? I think he always comes across as a bit mean to Ruth.

Izzy that sounds awful. How is he now?

Don't knw if it would help your DH Failed but it might help you - there is a great thread in Good Housekeeping - am rubbish at links sorry - called The Magic of Tidying - or something similar. It's really helpful. It's about a book by an eccentric Japanese woman on decluttering. Lots of us have found it really helpful.

Gosh Izzy

EH is lovely in real life - much taller than I thought he would be - 6ft easy. Ruth was lovely as well - really genuine. My dad is much recovered from his back injury now luckily and back at home. His house is every bad as it was before he fell off the ladder.
Thanks for the info about the book - I will take a peek. I wrote my own book about the whole story - mainly as it was SOOO frustrating I had to get it out of my head before my head exploded with frustration - people have said it has helped them not to feel it is just their family - 'Diary of a Hoarder's Daughter' by Izabelle Winter on Amazon. He is 84 next week - I will never change him now. His bins are both full of wood again so I don't know how he puts his weekly rubbish out. Yes I know - he probably doesn't have any!
Oh - I see someone has mentioned my blog in a post above on this thread. www.hevsblogs.blogspot.co.uk Real pics on there.

A pal of mine is like this. His wife has given him one room( large office room) in which he can do as he pleases. The rest of the house is clean and tidy and she doesn't even go in his man cave.

Just a quick update to say that DH and I are doing fifteen minutes' decluttering every night and the sitting room is now nearly clear :D it seems to work well if I keep the pace up and choose something specific to work on. I think he gets visually overwhelmed by it all and doesn't know where to start otherwise. It's starting to look a lot better and I think we are beginning to get somewhere :)