To not take my toddler to visit his grandparents?

[pinktoe]

My 2yo adores his grandparents (in-laws) however, despite living only a 5 minute drive away, they NEVER visit us. That's fine, we've got used to it over the years. My problem is whenever we visit them (usually at least once a week) FIL sits in the lounge playing his Xbox. The games he plays are very violent, usually very graphic shooting games with lots of bad language. He will sit and play these games whilst we are all in the same room and expects my son to just play with his toys whilst he plays his computer and occasionally interacts with us.

Whenever I have broached this subject my MIL has just shrugged it off by saying that he will be into guns himself before I know it. DH is of the opinion that there's not much more we can do as we can't dictate what FIL does in his own home and so he will support me if I decide that I do not want DS to visit whilst this is going to be happening.

But I feel sad for my DS that he will be missing out on a relationship with his grandparents. He dotes on FIL. They won't visit us, they just won't do that despite the fact that I know they love spending time with him.

So WIBU to stop taking DS to visit knowing that his contact with his grandparents will be drastically reduced?

I guess he thinks it's less rude than it actually is as my DH will occasionally make conversation with him about the game (not since I have made my feelings clear) or sometimes my BIL is there to talk about it too.

You sound very sensible and I think you should stick to your guns no pun intended

Incidentally, re toy guns, no doubt you will have to deal with your DS getting them as gifts, while being told that little boys will play-fight and make guns out of sticks etc so it doesn't matter if they have toy guns. But to me, there's a world of difference between pretence with a stick and a "real" toy gun. So if you don't agree with them, make sure you pre-empt this before it becomes an issue.

He had a toy gun (again, at the inlaws) but I told DH to hide it in the depths of the garage where the toys are kept when he got chance as my comments on it being inappropriate we're just brushed off.

I know I sound like I'm a bit soft but I will stand my ground if needs be I just know that my MIL can be quite petty so if I can avoid a confrontation I try to.

Pretty much all of my close family think that I'm very precious over DH compared to their (very) relaxed parenting and I admit I can be a bit of a worrier so thank you for your replies and reassurance that this isn't a huge case of PFBism.

Precious over DS* not DH!

Banning toy guns is wanky parenting. How are children supposed to develop their imaginations if they get told that even pretending is bad? Every kind of narrative human beings enjoy has some kind of opposition between good and bad, problems to overcome, etc. Restricting kids to stuff about fluffy bunny goes for a walk and how the cat and the mouse had relationship therapy and learned to communicate is actually stunting their development.

There are thousands of ways for a child to develop their imagination without resorting to using toys that promote the use of guns.

Water pistols and such like - yep, fine IMHO.

But children need to learn from a vey early age that guns are dangerous. They are now pretty widely (illegally) available and accidents happen. We see it all the time. I wouldn't want my dc coming into contact with a real gun and thinking "wow, this is just another fun toy - lets play"

That was to SGB btw

Reading back, I don't know WHY I feel so differently about water pistols - seems hypocritical of me in a lot of ways.

I sort of agree SGB however there's a massive difference between imaginative play with a toy gun and the level of graphic detail (both in sound & vision) in shoot 'em up XBox games such as CoD - they are not suitable for a 2 yo to be around, and get less so as he gets older and understands more.
I don't let my DSs play those games, but they have a veritable arsenal of toy guns! Also I think now the OP's DS is getting older that his GFather should switch the games off and interact with the human beings around him. Its not like its the only time he (GF) can play them FGS.

Where have my apostrophes gone? Mea culpa!

I have no objection to him playing with nerf guns etc when he is older but the gun which MIL had bought for him (when he was 1) was an old western style gun and on the one occasion that I saw them playing with it she was teaching him to shoot and then she pretended to die. He wants to play with his train set, not pretend to murder people.

My DH likes playing 18 games so we have a rule that DS is not allowed in the room if he is having 'down time'. I wouldn't allow a small child to see a horror movie so why should they see a violent game? Small children have a very hazy understanding of the difference between pretend and real anyway - why expose him to something which he could find disturbing or would give him nightmares? Totally inappropriate

I also think that water pistols are fine. It's partly the bright colours, I think - they are non gun-like.

YANBU. I would not visit them anymore unless FIL gets some manners and some common decency. This is not appropriate material for your little one to see. My little boy started having awful nightmares at around 2.5 and I drrad to think how seeing violent video games would have worsened them.

Ps I'm one of those 'wanky' parents. Nice.

I wouldn't like it either. My nephew has said some god awful things after watching his older brothers games.

It's actually not that big a deal. You can't tell FIL what to do in his own home but you can choose what to do with your own ds.

Stop taking him around.

I really don't understand this idea that children must have grandparents in their life's at all costs, even if it's at the detriment of the kids.

They don't.

If they wanted a relationship with your son your mil would come out of her castle and come see your son. I think you already know the answer if you don't go round to theirs. Grandparents can be selfish arseholes too!

The crux for me is that your FIL can't be bothered to stop gaming in order to interact with a grandchild who (bafflingly) adores him, and neither FIL nor MIL can be bothered to come and see him. There would be no relationship if you didn't bend over backwards to create one. The sad thing is that your child loves them. I suppose it comes down to whether you privilege that over their poor behaviour.

But having your toddler regularly see and hear violent games would be an absolute no for me.