AIBU and a bit PFB?

[imyourhuckleberry]

SIL popped over this weekend, and asked how I am finding life with DS (4 months) who is my first and much longed for baby. I said fine, learning to get to grips with juggling life and a baby, and its getting easier.

I mentioned (I thought fairly casually), "oh the garden is suffering a bit because I haven't been able to get out much, with the weather and the one time I busy gardening I popped in to check on DS and he was screaming." (I hadn't been able to hear him over the lawnmower and our video monitor is only hooked up to work in his bedroom, but he was napping in the living room - not to drip feed!)

She said that it didn't matter if he was screaming and to crack on. My response is that I didn't know how long he'd been screaming for- had he just started or had he been that way for 15 minutes? She said it didn't matter and "Babies can cry you know".

I do know that babies cry! But surely you should check why the baby is crying?! Please tell me if I am being precious but I just said I had left it until a day when DH was free to do it or could keep an eye out for DS.

What I thought was a fairly throw away comment, along the lines of "oh e're fine but the garden is a bit of a state" became a 'thing'.

Is it reasonable to leave a baby to cry for an unspecified amount of time just because you fancy mowing the lawn? Please tell me if I am being unreasonable? Know I have written it out I expect I might be?!

Thank you so much for all of your comments. I would like to think she was only trying to help, but as I say, there is history there, which is a whole other thread!

The garden will wait- as I said it was more of a throwaway comment that I now wish I'd never said! I aren't so PFB that I run to his every murmur, but I also will not leave him to cry. I need to be much firmer- he is my son and I will do what I think is best :-)

My SIL was like this - constant hateful criticism levelled my way when my DD was a newborn (she has 2 daughters 9 and 13 years older) because apparently I shouldn't pick her up when she cried, feed her on demand, let her nap on me, carry her in a sling, etc. She got really aggressive sometimes!
I was really taken aback and hurt at the time but I've since come to realise she appears to have a few regrets about how she left hers to scream from birth because she felt she had to and needed the validation of others doing the same.

I think if I'd been in the middle of mowing the lawn I'd probably have finished it, but left the mower to put away until a more convenient time. But our diddy lawn would only take 5 minutes tops to mow, and about 10 minutes to manhandle the mower each way in and out, so it wouldn't be long.

What I would say though is that with dc1 I would have rarely left her to cry for more than a couple of minutes to finish a job.
However with dc3 there were times I had to leave him to something that couldn't wait with dc1/dc2. Things like if he decided he was hungry as I was finishing making dinner for them, then he waited as it was much better to get them fed then feed him, than stop the cooking, feed him for 20 minutes until he was satisfied while I had two hungry small children waiting. Or he was popped in his buggy to get them to school on time (only 5 minutes walk away), or the time dd2 fell down the stairs as I was about to start feeding him.
And, aged 7yo, I can say quite happily that this has not effected him at all. He's very secure, and very loving, and still doesn't see why he should have to wait 5 minutes for me to finish cooking his food when he's hungry.

Forget the garden. You won't regret it being a bit neglected in a few years time. You will regret missing out on little baby cuddles though.

Fwiw I have four kids and couldn't leave any of them to cry for longer than it took to change a nappy/nip to the loo. With exception of dd1 who had colic and sometimes I had to put her somewhere safe for five minutes and close the door to stay sane during four hours of screaming every day.

It won't hurt babies to cry for a few minutes but I couldn't leave them to it while doing something else. Some people are different though and can crack on with housework/gardening and let the baby cry for a while.

I'm in complete agreement with the "sod the garden" club. Gardens wait, babies grow up. Snuggle your baby as long as you can.

If you enjoy getting out and gardening though then buggy outside or have you considered a sling? You could pop baby on your back and crack on with the garden while enjoying snuggles :)

I agree with DeWee about siblings sometimes having to cry longer at times. DS2 (DC3) used to cry from around 3:30pm until 9 pm for the first three months of his life.
It didn't matter what I did and although I felt better when I was trying to do something there were times when I just had to leave him to it because the other two needed me as well.

Your SIL sounds jealous maybe? I also have a know it all SIL who can be quite aggressive about being right (about anything and everything ). It's tiring and means that I hardly talk to her for fear of being immediately contradicted .

(And I think you are right to pick your crying baby up straight away!).

I wouldn´t leave the baby to cry! I wouldn´t leave an adult to cry, or an older child - why would I leave a baby who has no other method of communication!?!!?

however I am on my second and having a hard time teething/non sleeping/over tired etc and it has come as a total surprise - it did happen with DC1 but I managed to wipe it completely from my memory. My DSIS also did - older DC - and I remember the nightmares she had with one of hers - she is also bemused by what I am going through atm as as far as she was concerned this didn´t happen to her

so I do think it is possible to genuinely think that you did things a certain way which isn´t what actually happened!!

Let it go. It's just a comment from mum who hasn't had a baby for a few years. Smile and nod and ignore

Better a crap garden than a baby who does not develop confidence that someone will take notice of him if he cries. He can't get up and walk out into the garden to get your attention can he! Your SIL is being silly.

Babies cry because they need you. You feel the urge not to ignore your DS because you love him and you are his mummy.

In three years time he will be playing with Duplo and watching Peppa Pig and he won't much care whether you are in the garden or up a ladder on the roof. You can sort out your weeds then if you haven't got yourself another 4m old at that point!

Just nod blithely next time your SIL offers advice and then, ignore.

Generally people who encourage others not to respond to babies either have never had children themselves, have older children so they forget entirely what having a baby is actually like, or felt pushed into letting their own babies cry and feel guilty about it when they see others being more responsive than they were. I had one friend who was very sneery about how much I cuddled my two, but it was because her DH was an utter utter fuckhead who wouldn't "let" her breastfeed because he wanted a tidy house and who used to physically block her from going to the baby at night when she cried. He was seriously abusive and I think seeing me having the "freedom" to feed on demand and attend to my children as much as I wanted really hurt her.

Do what you see fit. Don't listen to unsolicited advice, most of it will come from the parent's own insecurities.

FWIW I did hardly any housework when my children were very little, there was no point, it was far too stressful worrying that they might be crying while I was doing jobs. I just left it, and tried to enjoy being with them. They're now nearly 4 and nearly 2 and I can get most things done easily while they scream at each other and beat each other up play nicely.

Advice to ignore anyone who hasn't had a baby in the past few years is bollocks, sorry.

Someone who has been a parent for a while will often be able to see the bigger picture, which in this case is that your child will have come to no harm and not to sweat it.

Agreed Massa. I think advice to race to your crying child as soon as it starts or risk emotional damage is just as absurd as advice to hand-prune 2 miles of hedgerow while you baby screams.
Somewhere in the middle there is a sane mother who's life hasn't dissolved and whose baby is safe and sound.

What was the poor SIL supposed to say? "Well, who knows what permanent psychological damage you might have caused!! We'll watch for signs of emotional detachment in her future and when we see them we'll know to attribute them to that time that she might have cried for too long!"

No, she tried to reassure a mother who had expressed a sense of guilt - what a cow!

Hi OP,

You are not being in the least precious, yes baby's can cry, but in my humble opinion, only for the time it takes you to walk in and pick them up when they are tiny. When they are 2-3yrs it is a little different. My DS2 is 3.9 and is really good at what we call statement crying ie, he wants sympathy, even when we know he started the quarrel or was naughty. I don't think you caused your baby any harm, but you are perfectly reasonable to let the garden slide if you want. I think your SIL has forgotten what having a tiny is like. I am due with DC 3, and my hormones are everywhere I know how you feel.

Just take no notice, what on earth does it matter what she says? Either say that's not how you do things or nod and agree and do your own thing.

Glad someone said that Massa, doesn't sound like SIL was being aggressive but just making a throw away comment to try and put a bit of context to it. I don't think she said 'just ignore baby' (unless I have missed it) she just basically said, they do that sometimes.

One of the biggest lessons you learn when you become a parent is to have faith in your own instincts. It's a hard lesson because human nature is to doubt ourselves continually and to take far too much notice of outsiders. My fil for instance has never potty trained a child in his life but turned into the Buddha of the bottom when I was training dd. As always I tortured myself and then ended up doing my own thing anyway! Now I've learnt to miss out the torturing part and just get on with it!

Truely it sounds like you're doing a wonderful job and ds is a very lucky little boy to have you. Sil should have taken the hint and offered to help but you will get this time and again, you just have to learn to ignore it and believe in your own ability. The person best qualified to know what your baby needs is you.

For the record I was always behind with things in the first couple of years of being a new mum but who cares? DD was a happy secure child with a nice wee jungle to play in!!

Honestly sod and sod the lawn - I promise you that you won't look back on your baby's early years and think "I wish I had spent more time with the Flymo!"

I'd take the baby out with me in pushchair rather than leave it sleeping alone in the house at under six months (as per SIDS guidelines). I must be PFB and PSB as I have two dc. I don't worry about them crying for short periods if it's unavoidable but I do try to avoid it.