to hope arsehole exh gets struck down with a plague of boils?

[HedgehogsDontBite]

Divorced 20 years ago. During the divorce when it became obvious he wasn't going to get the contact with 1 year old DD which he wanted he said 'if I can't see her on my own terms then I won't see her at all'. And that was that, he never contacted her again or paid a penny to support her.

Earlier this year DD was devastated when my dad died. He'd always stepped up and filled in the dad sized hole in her life. DD decided at this point that she wanted to contact her 'dad'. ExMIL gave her contact details and they've since been emailing each other.

They then made arrangements to meet up at a neutral venue in our old home town. We no longer live in the UK so I made arrangements for DD to go back so she could meet him. The morning of the meet up she got an email from him to say he wouldn't be able to come as his young son was ill and had to go to hospital. DD knows this is rubbish as exMIL told her the truth, that he rang her wanting her to pick him up so he didn't have to get the train but she said no.

DD is hurt all over again. I've never wished bad things on anyone before, but I do on him. AIBU?

YANBU but at least she found out now what he is like & not after she'd over invested lots of time & mental energy on the git.

Leopards & spots etc etc

for your DD & so sorry for the loss of your Dad.

It,s really sick that he used that excuse. I hope your dd is going to let him know that she knows he was lying?

He's such a fuckwit that I bet it doesn't even occur to him that he's blown it. I know DD, she's stronger than I was at that age. She opened the door to him, he let her down, she won't open it again. I feel very proud of how she's handled it. She's walked away with her head held high. I just feel very sad for her.

He sounds like a massive cunt, but as Floundering has said, at least he's shown her who he is before she's really invested. Clearly, you've done a brilliant job of raising her.

No she didn't let him know she knew he was lying. She didn't acknowledge his email at all. She wrote a really angry reply, telling him exactly what she thought of him and then deleted it. She'd set up a separate email account for contact which she's now deleted.

I think that's why exMIL told her the truth. She knew he would let her down and wanted it to be sooner rather than later, so DD could walk away before getting too involved.

Nothing really to add but that your DD made all the effort to travel to another country and your ExH couldn't even be arsed to get on a train.

So the 'dad' who showed his white underbelly when he didn't get the contact he wanted when she was a baby has now shown his true colours.

Will she send him an email or is she going to sever all ties?
to your DD

So sorry for your daughter! Sadly some parents are not able to understand the hurt they cause.
My mum was one, parents divorced when I was seven and my dad got custody of me and my sister, this was back in the 70s so you can guess she wasn't a good mother. Saw her for a few years on a Saturdays then when when I was 13 she moved.
For four years we didn't hear a thing, not a phone call a Christmas card, nothing
One day she. called she was Ill and wanted to see us. We didn't go, I spoke to her on the phone half a dozen times over the next year. She never apologised or explained why she didn't keep In touch over those years. She died that year and we didn't go to her funereal . It might sound harsh but I'd grieved her loss when she left us without trace.

Sorry hit send too soon! Though your daughter will be upset she will, given time, see him for the coward he is.

I'm so sorry OP, at least though your daughter knows the truth early on.