Scared to be happy

[Iwasnevermaryalwaysashepherd]

I have name changed.a few years ago I was content and happy and then I was diagnosed with cancer - devastated but was getting through it started to feel my old self - halfway through chemo-looking forward to Christmas with my mum and dad- mum died on the journey down to stay with us- thought I would never get over it but eventually you do. Then I finished treatment- went away with husband for anniversary thinking this the good times now - arrived back for my dad to say he had cancer- horrendous time- he died - took time but got back on track and sat with my husband saying we have been through a lot but we are happy now and have three wonderful children and we have so much to look forward to......he died unexpectedly the week after. It has been a year now and I will never ever forget him , I am going to be a grandma in a few months...I should be so happy but I am always on edge waiting for something to happen.....it's like I am scared to be happy as I can't go through the pain again. I just feel really uneasy- I know people go throgh horrendous things but I am just not strong.

I'm not surprised you're scared to be happy. You've had so many awful, terrible things happen to you within such a short space of time that you must be reeling.

Huge hugs to you. Would counselling help, do you think?

. So sorry to hear you have been through so much. Have you spoken to anyone in RL about it all?

You're not strong? Really? Because to be holding up after all you have been through strikes me as remarkable, admirable and incredibly resilient. It's only natural that you feel some reservations about absorbing good news, and I think pregnancy is one of those mixed blessings which is an incredible joy but a source of never ending concern as well. It is understandable that you are afraid, but clearly you are going to be an awesome grandma and I'm sure you won't let fear stand in the way of that.

Poor you Mary, you've had an awful lot of tragedy in your life, and I'm so sorry. It's natural that you're dreading the 'next thing' to occur. I can only offer you a hug and to say that I hope the arrival of your grandchild will lighten your spirits.
Of course you won't ever forget your lovely husband. Or your dear parents.
Memories are precious and can be a great source of solace.
Have you a faith of any sort? My sister has like you endured a lot of sadness and tragedy in her life. She finds strength in her faith. But of course not everyone has a religion to turn to.
Wishing you peace and future happiness x

Thank you xx

I agree with DoJo that pregnancies have a lot of worry attached to them, but I hope that your grandchild will arrive safely and I'm sure he or she will bring you a great deal of joy.

It's only a year since your most recent bereavement. In the grand scheme of things, that's not a very long time, so please don't feel like you're failing in some way.

My heart goes out to you so much just reading that. You are enduring so much more than your share.

I'm in week five of still living after my DH died unexpectedly, but I'm not doing this on top of everything you've coped with so far. Your pain must have been, and must still be huge, and I'm so sorry for that. X

I'm very sorry for your loss.

What an awful time you have had.

Perhaps you need to look at things differently? All those deaths are telling me that life can be cut brutally short and you have to make the most of life and be happy.

Have you been recieving any support for the horrid time you have had such as councelling?

Oh my heart goes out to you; I understand that feeling that you dare not allow yourself to be happy as something bad will come along to prove that you are not allowed happiness. Then I look back and see all the time I wasted supressing happy feelings, lest things go wrong again, and I feel I have cheated myself out of those happy days.
I hope the pregnancy goes well (I don't think I enjoyed a single day of being pregnant as I was always worrying about the 'what if..'), and you can enjoy helping your DD/DIL and their family.
One day, and one happy thought, at a time.
Thinking of you.