to want a 4th DC?

[QueenofKelsingra]

DH and I are toying with the idea of DC4. DH is happy to stick at the 3 we have but is equally happy to have another if I want one.

The thing is, I hate being pregnant (suffered from SPD/PGP and HG in both pregnancies, also gained A LOT of weight both times). Also DC2 and DC3 are fraternal twins so there is the chance of having another set. I love love love my twins but I really don't want to do twins again to be honest. Also aside from the 'look how cute' and the new baby smell I actually don't want to do the newborn thing again (sleepless nights, faffing with feeding, the stupid amount of gear required to lug around)

BUT

I don't feel my family is complete. I want another child, another sibling for the DC as they grow up. I'm one of 2 and wish there was more of us. DH is an only and the stress of dealing with his ill parents with no-one else to help is crushing him. I want them to be a 'gang' as they grow up and to support each other through adulthood (my mum is one of 6 and I love their dynamic). I know its not a given that siblings will get on but the more there are the better chance of at least having one they get on with each!

DC1 is nearly 5, DTs are 2.5, the plan is to start trying in January so new baby will arrive once DTs start pre-school in Sept. wouldn't want to leave it any longer as I don't want a massive age gap. In the last few months I have got to the point where it is so much easier going out and about with them all and fitting it all in, so I would be rocking the boat massively.

so would I be mad to put myself (and my family) through another pregnancy when it would be hell for about 3 years??? (until DC4 reaches the nice age the DTs are now!!)

I don't think your post is particularly negative, rather you are quite honestly stating facts.

I think if you and your DP are in agreement and can afford another child then why not.

I'm pregnant with my first, much wanted. Am I enjoying pregnancy? No, no I am not. It might get better as the sickness eases off but I've only ever seen pregnancy as a means to an end, because that is what it is.

I have four and three are at uni at the moment. Next year we will have 4 at uni at the same time. (DS1 is doing a five and possibly 6 year course ).

It's expensive . (I know you can let them pay for everything themselves but we want to help our kids).

I also found the exam years stressful. Teenagers are brilliant fun but they still need lots of parenting and some of the issues that come up can. Be more tricky than when they are young.

If you like travelling then four is very expensive. Family tickets do cover families of six( in fact they are not great for families of 5). Flights are really pricy.

You say that your car would take four kids. I've a seven seater and it's one thing getting four 'little kids in but quite another getting four teens in it. My boys are over 6' and it's no fun for them being squished into the back of our car.

What happens if a fourth is not enough?

Given your parents involvement last time, it's highly unfair to do it again and expect them to pick up the responsibility for three children for months.

Larger families mean less time for every child, be it one to one or assistance with home work etc. Finances play an important part as children get more expensive as they grow older and life has a habit of changing and redundancy, separation etc need to be taken into account.

We grew up in a large family and none of us have had more than two children having witnessed the lack of time, money, privacy and generally being allowed to be a child rather than spending x hours doing chores or looking after siblings.

The thing is, everyone has their own opinion but only you can decide.

FWIW we had 4, within 5.5 years, then a massive gap and DC5 who is effectively an only child. It's only been since having her that we realise how much we expected from DD1 at a young age, because there were always 3 smaller.

Silly example, DD2 (now 7) whined to be carried and DH gave her the usual "I didn't carry your sister when she was 7". No because when she was 7 there was a 6 yo, a 4 yo and a 2 yo, so we expected her to be a big girl.

Exam time was hell, but then we had 2 school years between each, so multiple years of simultaneous Y9 SATS/GCSE/A levels.

My big ones are 23 - 28 now. 3 of them share a house. They support each-other emotionally, physically, financially. They are great friends. Like you I was one of 2 and felt I'd have liked another sibling, especially as an adult.

You need to think really about the practical side of getting through the pregnancy, because it wouldn't be fair to expect your parents to step in, or to feel they had no choice. With that sorted then there is no real reason not to have another. I always felt there was someone missing until DD2 was 3, but now I feel complete, so it isn't necessarily the case you'd want another one.

daisy I don't expect my parents to take responsibility for my children at all. and the 'what if you get made redundant/separate etc' is a pointless argument - you'd never have any kids, or spend money on any treats if you constantly thought like that.

to put in context, they live 2 miles from me, they take DC1 out at least one afternoon a week, sometimes more. I spend 2-3 days with them anyway. we are very close. they have also had all 3 for DH and I to go away. through choice not because I've forced the issue.

pax I have my 2 GMs still alive but both have one of their own children (my aunt and uncle) living with them so the care required from my parents is minimal. I realise this may change in the future.

Tallulah thank you for sharing your experience, that gives me more to think about.

interesting how it seems those of us who were onlies or 1 of 2 want large families and those that came froma large family only want 1 or 2. grass is always greener in some ways I guess.