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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want anymore children?

39 replies

Hurr1cane · 30/10/2014 07:25

I don't think I am, but my family seem to take a very different view of it and I don't understand why.

Basically I had my gorgeous DS when I was 18, he was a surprise, me and his dad didn't last which wasn't surprising, but we co parent and remain pretty friendly, he has DS one day a week and his parents have DS for tea once a week and we share all decisions on DSs care etc.

When DS was 3.5-4 years old he had a horrible brain regression which left him with severe learning disabilities and autism. Doctors have been trying to figure out what happened for years and they finally have decided it must be some form of very rare genetic disorder and all of our DNA is going off to a research study to hopefully find out more.

To care for DS I had to leave work, I never sleep, I spend all of my time on his therapies and care and basically dedicate my life to him.

I have a DP, we have been together years and he shares some of DSs care but we can't live together, because of his work hours and how much care DS needs, it just wouldn't be healthy.

DP is a lot older than me and has two grown up children of his own.

I don't want more kids, I feel that firstly it wouldn't be fair as all my time goes on DSs care, I don't have the energy for another child, I'm worried the same would happen to a second child, and there is enough humans in the world anyway, I would have preferred a small age gap and DS is 8 now so that's out of the window, and DS hates loud noises (so a baby crying wouldn't be brilliant) and I hardly get any sleep as it is, I don't want to sacrifice the little amount I get just to have a baby.

DP doesn't want more kids.

I understand that some people in my situation do go on to have more children, and I'm not saying that's wrong, but it's not something that I want to choose.

My family, however, seem to feel passionately about the fact that I need more kids, they argue that I love children and am just cutting my nose off to spite my face, this ends up in massive family arguments.

My sister, however, doesn't want children because she wants to concentrate on her career, and apparently this is fine, but my reasons aren't.

Every time my family come to visit (live very far away) they always bring up the subject of me having more children, and it always ends up in a massive fight Sad I don't see them often at all and don't want to fight with them, it's starting to get to the point where I don't want them to visit because I'm sick of justifying myself to everyone.

Are my reasons really that unreasonable? I do love children, I have qualifications coming out of my ears in working with children, but I just don't want any more.

OP posts:
Hurr1cane · 30/10/2014 10:40

Thanks. A one time chat (when I haven't had a wine) is probably a good idea Smile it'll be a good 6 months till I see them again so I've got time to prepare my reasons for then.

OP posts:
whatsbehindthegreendoor · 30/10/2014 10:59

You are absolutely not being unreasonable about this. I had my son when I was 20. I knew straight away that I didn't want any more children. We had to endure 10 years of other people thinking they know better than we do. He's 20 now, and even now we still get people saying that as I'm only 40, we could start again. He's moved out of the home recently, I thought I'd dread it, but although I miss him, it's lovely with it just being the 2 of us.

People always think that they know best - they don't. You know what is best for you and your family. You've got enough to cope with. Tell them to bugger off.

Nanny0gg · 30/10/2014 17:21

The trouble with giving 'reasons' is that they will then look for countering arguments to persuade you otherwise.

You just need to leave it at the fact that as far as you are both concerned it is never going to happen and change the subject.
If they persist, then either you leave or you ask them to.
And maybe your DP should be there to back you up with whichever way it goes.

MintyCoolMojito · 30/10/2014 18:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SaucyJackOLantern · 30/10/2014 18:46

I hate to be the one to say it OP..... but have you considered that they're pressuring you because they want you to have a "normal" one as well?

EvenBetter · 30/10/2014 18:47

There shouldn't be the opportunity for a fight to arise, it's not like there's any subject to fight about, so don't let them try. Firstly it's incredibly rude to ask after people's reproduction status, and to ask why on the subject is shockingly rude and inappropriate, so if you're dealing with that kind of person there's no need to justify yourself.
I'm childfree by choice and often get invasive, rude questions, it pisses me off but they're never going to get their heads around the fact that I love my life, so I just laugh and give a dismissive answer like 'absolutely not.' In a tone that implies end of fucking discussion
If someone could give me suggestions for further abrubt answers that'd be great!

MintyCoolMojito · 31/10/2014 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WyrdByrd · 31/10/2014 14:07

You sound amazing, devoted to your DS and imho very sensible.

I hope your family get the message and back off as it must be really stressful to have that hanging over you.

FWIW I decided to stick at one child for much 'lesser' reasons, but they are my reason & it was my decision, I wouldn't thank anyone who questioned them repeatedly.

Viviennemary · 31/10/2014 16:54

It is massively wrong and totally insensitive of your family to say you should have more kids when you obviously have decided your family is complete. Don't know how I'd deal with this except saying can we please not talk about this subject any more thank you. If your family upset you to this extent consider not seeing them. Why should you be left upset and in floods of tears because of their total thoughtlessness

Hurr1cane · 31/10/2014 16:58

To be really honest, with the amount of times they gave me examples of families they knew with one disabled child and one with no disabilities at all... I think that might be the case Sad

But I don't want another 'normal' one. I'm quite happy with my little ball of drama keeping me on my toes Smile

OP posts:
Darkandstormynight · 31/10/2014 17:07

Of course you are not BU! I would immediately stop all conversation about you having more children. If anyone brings it up, just change and keep on changing the subject. How any of it is their beeswax about you or your sister is a mystery to me!

Darkandstormynight · 31/10/2014 17:08

Or can you say, "I've gone through menopause"? That might quiet them (I'm being kind using the word quiet!)

Hurr1cane · 31/10/2014 17:25

Haha I'm in my 20s! Is that even believable?

I've tried the 'I might not even be able to have anymore anyway because of how badly my c section went wrong' which is also the truth, but they started giving me examples of people who had gone on to have children regardless. Urgh.

OP posts:
Ericaequites · 31/10/2014 19:54

It's no one's business but you and your spouse on how many children you have.

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