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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hard hearted sometimes about dh

14 replies

Darkandstormynight · 29/10/2014 22:19

Long story short, year and a half ago dh had an indiscretion (not physical affair) with someone he met online. Nothing physical happened, but texts (and yes, sexts) were sent, and they met once. Dh got to the meeting place, said to her, "I don't want to do this", left, and confessed to me.

Went through hell for months, counseling, dc was super stressed knowing something was wrong, etc. Dh did and has done everything and anything possible to try to change his ways (and has).

Yet, here were were watching a show yesterday, about how much families mean to us, how we should be there for family and how one family beat the odds, and dh was in tears. Really crying. NOW he knows everything he could have lost by his actions. He came very very close to losing all "he was crying about last night" and knows it. But while I was tearing up about the family too, inwardly I was rolling my eyes at dh. This is what I mean about being hard hearted. I just have such a hard time seeing him so upset about this family when he was happily tearing ours apart and not even thinking about it. AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 29/10/2014 22:22

YANBU

of course your heart is hardened towards him, he shit on you fro a great height

he is lucky you gave him another chance...and both of you have to realise that it can never be the innocent, unsullied relationship it was before

thursday · 29/10/2014 22:22

Of course not, and I'm sure you know that. He betrayed you and you're angry about it. Sounds like you're both keen to work things out but you can't wish those feelings away. It might take a long time, or you might never fully forgive. Neither would be U for you.

Eminado · 29/10/2014 22:25

Yanbu!

AcrossthePond55 · 29/10/2014 22:26

Not necessarily. Could it be because you are protecting yourself and secretly fear it might happen again? Even though he 'didn't go through with it', he still betrayed you and your marriage. I think I'd probably have been thinking 'too bad you didn't think of that before you fucked up!'.

But, if you've decided to give your marriage another go, it's really not fair to him to hold things inside. Maybe you should talk to him about how you're feeling. It may be that there's more he should be doing to regain your full trust and to help you to truly bury the past.

WorraLiberty · 29/10/2014 22:26

I just have such a hard time seeing him so upset about this family when he was happily tearing ours apart and not even thinking about it.

Do you think all his tears were for the family on TV, or do you think he was crying because it brought it home to him again, how much he risked losing you all?

LadyLuck10 · 29/10/2014 22:26

Tbh he proved to you that he has the potential to cheat on you. You took him back knowing this. It's trust that has been broken and things won't be the same again. You probably realize all this anyway.

Original poster
Darkandstormynight · 29/10/2014 22:30

But I liken it to someone who has done jail time. In reality, they paid their dues, and shouldn't they be taken at their word that they promise to not to do that thing again? Isn't that what forgiveness means? I thought I forgave him, I told him I forgave him, but here I am a year and a half later thinking these not too complimentary thoughts.

I thought this was the "worse" in better or worse.

OP posts:
HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 29/10/2014 22:33

Forgiving and forgetting are two very different things, IMO

I would feel particularly murderous at the snivelling, tbh. I don't expect he gave too much thought to how much he might make you cry when he was pissing about having a sexual relationship outside your marriage

You don't owe him anything really, certainly not having to question or suppress your perfectly natural feelings

Original poster
Darkandstormynight · 29/10/2014 22:35

Yes, Accrossthepond55 I think this is what I'm afraid of. Deep deep down in my mind I really don't think dh Will do this again, but the thought he Could terrifies me. I really don't know what else he could do to reassure me.

The therapist I went to myself (after joint counseling) made it a point for me not to constantly bring it up (I don't!) She implied that, that in itself is how many marriages break apart even if the other does remain faithful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Darkandstormynight · 29/10/2014 22:38

Yes, HappyHalloweenMotherFucker :) I was was miffed by the sniveling. That is exactly it.

OP posts:
thursday · 29/10/2014 22:42

I don't like the idea that the blame for any eventual break up gets shunted on to the cheatee for not just jolly well letting it drop. You aren't obliged to be ok about it on any time frame. It probably doesn't help to talk about it endlessly but if you feel you need to mention it, then that's because you're still upset about it.

This is the problem with betraying trust. You can tell your brain it won't happen and he's served his time (???) and you've moved past it. But the reality is it relies heavily on you just pretending it's ok. Or you becoming indifferent is the outcome of moving on. I'm sure 50 people will say their marriages are stronger and happier than ever post infidelity, but if think really that's very rare.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 29/10/2014 22:47

For me, it wouldn't even be wholly about the worry he might do it again playing on my mind

It would take me an awfully long time (if ever) to get over the fact he made a fool out of me. Nobody, but nobody gets to make a fool out of me and stays in my life (these days). That he thought I was stupid enough, and not important enough, to feel entitled to seek a sexual relationship outside of our marriage

I would be crap at this "giving them another chance" thing

I am also a little Hmm at the counsellor effectively victim blaming if the marriage did break down. There would always be only one person blame for that (and it wouldn't be you, OP)

Iggi999 · 29/10/2014 22:55

Sounds like he's doing everything he can. In the end, that may not be enough for you (and it's absolutely your right to feel that way) but at some point it has to be his behaviour now that matters - or you need to end it.

DoJo · 30/10/2014 00:13

I'm not sure about the whole 'don't keep bringing it up' aspect of what your counsellor said. Obviously, you can't win every argument for the rest of your marriage by using the 'well, you did me wrong' line, but realistically, it's not like either of you are going to just forget it, so perhaps there should be some way of talking about it that doesn't involve re-hashing events or staying stuck in one mindset. There is no other life event that rocks you to the core that you aren't supposed to ever mention again - it is a bereavement of sorts, and you have to be able to let your feelings out to process them and be able to move on.

Trying not to sound too wanky and 'armchair' psychologist' about the whole thing, is there any way you could create a sort of 'safe space' with your husband to bring up the fact that you find it hard to deal with his response in light of his actions? Where it's not about him apologising or you having a go at him or re-evaluating your entire relationship, but just letting him know that this is what you find hard to deal with about the whole situation.

Do you have anyone else you can talk to about it (apart from the mighty MN of course!)? Do you think having someone else to talk to might help?

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