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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stay in a crap relationship because I'm scared of being a single mum?

17 replies

wantsaneasylife · 29/10/2014 17:21

Brief backstory: DP is useless and is what is mostly known in MN speak as a cocklodger. (I've had threads on the topic but am namechanging because I'm worried about being outed). I don't respect him and the love has most definitely gone from my side after years of paying for everything and being responsible for everything while he just passively sits by.

We have a toddler. I am the main breadwinner, he is out of work at the moment but I still pay childcare and a cleaner so it's not as if he's a SAHD. I don't want to be with him any more, but I'm so scared of being a single mum and not having anyone, however crap they may be, to share the burden, and I'm also concerned about the effect shuttling from one home to another will have on my DS (2.5 years old) so I'm staying put although it's eating away at me. Is it really so unreasonable to do this to myself to avoid DS growing up in "a broken home"?

OP posts:
gentlehoney · 29/10/2014 17:26

It is very reasonable to do whatever you think is best for your child, but I think you need to decide which is the primary motive.
Is it that you are afraid? Or is it because it is best for the child?

Levismum · 29/10/2014 17:35

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your dc. Do you want your child to grow up thinking your shit relationship is normal?

I've literally just split up with dp. 4 dc so I know what I'm talking about.

Your dc won't thankyou for staying & letting her child hood be a misery with a martyr for a mum, when she grows up.

Think long & hard...

pinkdelight · 29/10/2014 17:39

It sounds pretty unequivocal that you should separate tbh, and better to do it now so that you can start building a new life and your toddler will take the change in her stride and not even remember it being any different. There many kinds of homes/families now and no real stigma to 'broken homes'. To be honest your home sounds broken now and it's not going to get fixed unless you do something decisive. It must be scary but you sound more than capable, having carried a cocklodger so long. And you also sound like a catch for another better partner when you've moved on and feel ready for one. Good luck.

whattodoforthebest2 · 29/10/2014 17:40

If your son comes to you in 20 years' time and describes the same sort of relationship to you, would you advise him to stay put?

LadyLuck10 · 29/10/2014 17:40

Op do you realize that you are functioning as a single parent already?
Do you not realize that your DS is already picking up on everything and beginning to form an idea of this is what normal relationships are like?
Give yourself and your dc the chance to be a happy family and a single parent and child is just as much as a family.

gentlehoney · 29/10/2014 17:44

I think staying "together" for the children can work very well if there is mutual understanding and respect, But if I am remembering the previous posts correctly this is not the case?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 29/10/2014 18:03

Your child will be absolutely fine. Better in fact, if you do it when he's young.
You will also be fine. Living alone is sad and hard at times but much easier than poking up with a pain in the arse cocklodger who doesn't pull his weight. Trust me!

Charitybelle · 29/10/2014 18:08

You are already doing everything yourself, so I wouldn't worry about having nobody to 'share' the burdern with, you'll prob find it easier.
However I can understand your reluctance to have your child going back and forth between two homes. Would your DP step up and want 50/50 custody do you think? I have a good marriage, but have considered in the past how awful it would be to split up and have to forgo some of my DCs childhood to their other parent? But....only you can decide if this is a good enough reason to stay with someone you neither love or respect?

flanjabelle · 29/10/2014 18:09

I have recently become a single mum after ending an awful relationship. I was scared too, but it's a lot easier than I thought. It's tiring and hard work, but I'm happier and that makes it easier. My dd is happier too because I am. We have more fun, the relationship isn't dragging me down anymore.

There was a study recently about children's happiness. It was found that children are no less happy in single parent families. They are significantly less happy in families where the parents have an unhappy relationship.

BeCool · 29/10/2014 18:27

YABU.
One of the most important things you will teach your child is about relationships. What is staying with this cocklodger teaching them?

Break free. Being a sp is a lot better than being in a bad relationship

26Point2Miles · 29/10/2014 18:35

Your ds is already living in a 'broken home'

maddening · 29/10/2014 19:21

It'll be so much easier to be a single mum to 1 child than currently being single mum to 2 - seriously your life will be 100% better.

Dfiance does 50% of everything as do I - it would make a massive difference to me but this man is a dead weight - cut him loose and don't look back!

browneyedgirl86 · 29/10/2014 19:57

I grew up with parents who stayed together for my sake. I hated it. I remember the feeling of dread every time my parents were together as the arguing and violence was not far off. I was happy when my mum finally took the plunge and left my dad. I remember feeling strange that I was the only kid I had ever known who was not upset at their parents splitting up.

It affected how I let men treat me as part of me thought the mental abuse my ex gave me was normal. Luckily there were no DCs to be affected.

Long term your DCs won't thank you for it. It's easier to make the transition while they are very young then putting them through years of pain.

It's not easy but your can do it. It's got to be better than a lifetime with someone you don't want to be with?

MillionToOneChances · 29/10/2014 19:59

A dear friend's parents' decision to stay together 'for the sake of the children' made him miserable as a teenager and still affects his ability to find a happy relationship now he's in his 40s. Do what makes you happy, your son's happiness will follow.

greatscott81 · 29/10/2014 20:49

Thank you so much for all your support (I apologise for neglecting to name you all individually). i think I have known this for some time but you have all really made it obvious what I should do. For the record, I don't believe in the concept of a 'broken' home. The home I grew up in wasn't 'broken' and neither will my daughter's be. We will be happy and I hope to God that she never resents me for this.

greatscott81 · 29/10/2014 20:50

I'm sorry - i just realised I posted in the wrong place . . .

Original poster
wantsaneasylife · 29/10/2014 20:59

No need to apologise, greatscott! You sound like you're in a similar situation to me!

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