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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be irritated with dh

13 replies

amazingweathertoday · 29/10/2014 12:20

because he works full time and i am dutifully expected to do EVERYTHING not work related because I work 3 days a week (very long 11 hour knackering days). He is having a stressful patch at work and i have been very supportive, listened to him moan a lot, made him tea when he gets home etc, etc. But i am starting to feel unappreciated now. He literally goes to work at 7 (before dc get up) and gets home at 7 when he sits and does things on the computer and moans about work, eats the meal i have prepared, watches telly then falls asleep early (9.30ish). Meanwhile i do everything that needs doing house stuff, kids stuff, cooking as well as my job. Or is it ok because i do only
work 3 days a week?

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 29/10/2014 12:22

What happens at the weekends (assuming he only works Mon-Fri?)

WorraLiberty · 29/10/2014 12:24

Yes, what about the weekends?

WooWooOwl · 29/10/2014 12:25

Things should be equally split at the weekends, but if you have two days at home more than him, then surely you do have more time than him to do the shopping/cooking/cleaning/laundry etc.

hippo123 · 29/10/2014 12:26

What happens when you work 11 hour shifts? Who deals with the dc, makes tea etc then?

EmberElftree · 29/10/2014 12:27

It's not ok, you both live in the house so chores should be shared.

I work less hours now than my DH - before, he would get home around 6.30pm (starts at 8am) and I would get home around 9.30pm (started at 9/10).

DH would have the dinner ready for me coming in. We would take it in turns to clean up after.

Now I work much less hours (and earn less) and I do all the cooking in the week and he cooks (and cleans up) at the weekend.

I do the shopping, laundry, and most of the cleaning of our flat. He does the hoovering as I have a bad back! We both take care of our cats equally, clean their bowls/litter/feeding etc.

He irons his own shirts. I don't iron as I no longer work in an office

Original poster

amazingweathertoday · 29/10/2014 12:30

Weekends I still do stuff in house - dh basically does no house stuff at all except mowing grass. I work in my home so look after my dc whilst working.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 29/10/2014 12:40

It sounds as though he sees you as a SAHM, just because you work from home.

Rather than get irritated, you need to sit down together and work out a fairer way of splitting the housework and childcare, during the free time you both have.

dreamerdoer · 29/10/2014 12:52

If he works 5 8-hour days and you work 3 11-hour days then that's only one day (7 hours) less that you work, not two.

And while it may be reasonable for him to expect you to put in 7 more hours (or however many hours the difference is) towards children/housework than he does, anything after that should be 50/50 between you.

Basically, sounds like he's taking the piss.

skylark2 · 29/10/2014 13:07

If he gets home at 7 and is asleep by 9.30 it sounds to me as if he's struggling. Maybe he should see the doctor about needing so much sleep?

I've been so exhausted that I couldn't face doing anything except staring at the telly, even when I knew I should get up and help. It's not fun.

So, yeah. I think you need to determine whether he has a genuine problem or whether he's taking the piss.

attheendoftheday · 29/10/2014 13:31

YANBU. Totally unfair, I would have killed him by now!

You should do more if you work less, but it doesn't sound like a fair allocation at all.

Original poster

amazingweathertoday · 29/10/2014 13:40

Thanks for the great replies. I do think he is working extra hard at work at the moment - hence the falling asleep, but that means moaning about it is his main topic of conversation. This is hard to put up with when I am feeling so pissed off with him already. The falling asleep pisses me off too as it is like being with an old fart. Obviously it effects our ex life too and to be honest his lack of interest in that recently makes me feel crap. I really don't want an argument, but how can I improve things? Just a cup of tea would be nice.

OP posts:

joanofarchitrave · 29/10/2014 13:43

The fact that your sex life has nosedived also rings alarm bells for suggesting he is struggling. What's happening at his work? Or his health?

The first thing I would do is find a sitter so that you can go out for an evening walk together, even for half an hour - could a teenager sit with the kids for that time? That would improve his health and his mood straight away and would allow you to talk away from screens.

googoodolly · 29/10/2014 13:50

It sounds like you're both tired and resentful of each other for different reasons.

He obviously feels resentful that you have two days "off" during the week and I would agree that you should be doing any housework that crops up while you're not working and he is - dishes, laundry, etc. BUT he gets home, he needs to chip in and help - do bed/bath, dinner, clean the kitchen, whatever needs doing. He doesn't get to opt out because he works five days and you don't.

But, he does long days too. Twelve hours out of the house is not easy and it is tiring - does he have a long commute which adds to his exhaustion? I don't think half nine is particularly early when he's up and out by seven and not home for another twelve hours.

Is there a way he can cut his working week? Maybe get an extra day home while you work so he can take the kids and do some of the housework, or can he shorten his commute/work from home occasionally?

It sounds like the root of this is he's shattered from long hours which don't really sound sustainable in the long term.

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