I am so torn and feeling a bit pathetic atm I just need to get this all out! Sorry might be long
DH and I have 5 children (the oldest is 10) for the first 7 years I was a sahm and DH worked. I loved having the children and we were generally happy but I suffered terribly with anxiety attacks and bouts of mild depression, I also gained weight and became really inward looking. I though it was just the person I was I just accepted it and got on.
just as my older dd was 7 DH had an operation which went a little wrong, he got a bad infection and the short story is that he was off work a lot and the found any old excuse to get rid of him. We started our own company from home doing what he had been doing freelance - I needed to help him a lot at first while he recovered but over the next year the business grew an we moved out of our dining room into an office taking on some staff etc. The first few months of having to leave the house etc i found VERY hard, having major panic attacks (although no bouts of being depressed at all) and I just felt out of place.
Six months in however, and I was a different person I was only having a very very small number of panic attacks and they were much easier to deal with. I was feeling like a new person - I even bought nice clothes for myself and wore makeup which is pretty much unheard of I normally looked neat and tidy but never gone out of my way to look good before.
We went along like that until May last year when we lost a major client and out income plummeted. It became impossible to pay ourselves enough to cover the childcare for 5 children and I had to leave - we tried part time first but the nature of the job meant it just didnt work. DH cant cut his hours because he is the "technical" one so without him there the business would have suffered even more.
Since I left I have been having to do some of the work I was doing from home but most of it has just had to be covered by DH who now works amazingly long hours (6am-10pm) just to cover what needs doing and even with that projects now have mistakes cropping up and the rate of work has slowed.
The business has now largely recovered financially and we have new clients.
But I am a mess - I am having panic attacks again, I feel depressed and I have gained 25 pounds in weight since May (I know its disgusting) .
I already have high blood pressure and have done since I was 18 (I think it is a family thing!) and so being seriously overweight is not great for me.
If I went back to work the children would have to go back to full time childcare (we have found a nanny that would come to the house - since my dd was struggling with nursery in the months before she left) but it would mean again taking a financial risk - I THINK I can earn the company enough money to make it work, I did before but again its a risk.
I have also had the last few months being told by my family that the best thing is me being at home for the children. The worst part is I think they are right - the children seems more relaxed BUT I am still thinking of going back because I just dont like the person I am at the moment.
AIBU to go back even if its a risk and may not be for the best for anyone but me?