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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be cross with DH for taking to the spare room?

19 replies

blushingmare · 28/10/2014 22:48

DS (6mo) is having a nightmare sleep stage - waking every hour all night long, really crying, non-stop feeding etc. Tonight DH has decided to sleep in the spare room. I know actually I am being unreasonable, but I feel really pissed off with him!

I sound ridiculous, but why should I be the only one to suffer?! I'm breastfeeding, so I know there's nothing he can do really, so why shouldn't he sleep well, especially as he works long hours. But I can't help feeling that we should be "in it together" and he's abandoning me, even though he just lies there faking sleep when DS us kicking off anyway.

I'm sure I sound totally unreasonable and will probably get slated, but I don't care - just needed to get it off my chest!!

OP posts:

saintsandpoets · 28/10/2014 22:50

Vent all you want, it will make you feel better

But think about how useful a well rested DH will be if you want a nap/foot rub/dinner cooked tomorrow!

mommy2ash · 28/10/2014 22:51

if he has to get up for work and you are breastfeeding I can't blame him. i don't see the point in two people being awake

snipsnipsnippysnip · 28/10/2014 22:55

Well I think lack of sleep has left you BU... sorry but he needs to function. Is this your first DS? If so sleep when the baby sleeps and don't bust a gut doing much else and do the 24/7 shifts. If you have other DC, good luck, it gets easier (which you know deep down!)

Smartiepants79 · 28/10/2014 22:55

Well it's normal to be resentful.
But it's a bit pointless both of you being wiped out.
He can pick up the slack by doing jobs maybe?

Original poster

blushingmare · 28/10/2014 22:56

saints - if that were true, I truly wouldn't mind! Actually I think I'd be less pissed off about it if it weren't for the fact that he's off on a work trip tomorrow and will get 3 nights "off" in a nice comfy hotel bed anyway!

OP posts:

iPaddy · 28/10/2014 22:56

YABU but it's understandable.

Tag teaming is the way to go when you are at the sleeplessness stage.

Will your baby take expressed milk from a bottle?

goatparty · 28/10/2014 23:01

My DH sleeps in another room quite frequently either because DS (8 months) isn't sleeping or because I ask him to leave because I'm too hot/he is snoring/there's no room if DS takes half the bed etc etc etc. We are co-sleeping and I'm still breastfeeding quite a few times during the night.
This way DH can go to work not tired, once he gets home he makes dinner, plays with DS etc.
Not sure if this is helpful, but maybe you can see if your DH can look after the baby during the day to give you a break?

Cooki3Monst3r · 28/10/2014 23:01

Of course he's not BU to take the spare room. But you're entitled to have a moan, under the circumstances!!

Take it this is your first?

However... weekend nights are another matter entirely!! If I were you, I would be taking to my bed at 9pm sharp on Friday and Saturday and leaving DC with DH with strict instructions for DH to either bottle feed DC, or bring him to you for bf and for DH to then take back for all the other stuff (nappy changing, rocking, singing, stroking etc etc). Oh, and DH wouldn't definitely we on breakfast duty at least one morning over the weekend!

Original poster

blushingmare · 28/10/2014 23:02

snip - no I have a 2yo too (and she was a terrible sleeper and yes I know it'll pass!) The thing is, he doesn't really make any allowances to me for bring sleep deprived. So there's a limit to what he can do during the week as is at work, but at the weekends I'm still racing doing everything while he spends "quality time" with the kids and then reads the paper.

Oh AND I cleaned the whole house from top to bottom today and he didn't even notice!! Resentful, moi!

Thanks for letting me rant.

OP posts:

meerschweinchen · 28/10/2014 23:03

Mine moved into the spare room when nonsleeper ds preferred to feed all night rather that sleep...and he's still there a year later! Mind you, ds is still waking at night. I actually quite like having the bed to myself, and much as I resent the fact dh gets a full night's sleep, in return he gets up at 6am with both dc every morning, and I get a lie-in.

Can you get him to do something similar tomorrow morning? and then bring you tea and toast in bed?

I don't blame you for feeling irritated though, particularly with the prospect of him having 3 nights away in a hotel! I dream of that!

Tomkat79 · 28/10/2014 23:09

I feel your pain OP.
I just got DD back to sleep alongside me this morning after feeding for hours and then DH alarm goes off. He doesn't hear it but DD does and round we go again!
Try and enjoy the positives...I'd love not to be balancing on the edge of the mattress freezing cold all night...spread out and make the most of it!

snipsnipsnippysnip · 28/10/2014 23:22

Ah well, fuck the quality time, he can have that at 2 in the morning if he's so keen.

If you're doing the double I.e day and night, you don't have a 24/7 job, you have a 5 day slog with a 50/50 at the weekends and a lie in due to sleep deprivation, which you accept, but can't sustain for the entire time. Your rested husband needs to adjust. The working week is one thing but when you've got two it's different. Phew. He needs to have the change of game explained (as did my DH after our DD2). ... can you tell I've been in your shoes

AmateurSeamstress · 28/10/2014 23:29

You just sound sleep deprived.

No point you both being knackered, but he could do a lot more to take the load off you, even though he is working and has no boobs. Tag team. Even a working, non-lactating parent can jiggle a baby for an hour or so while their partner gets some desperately needed rest.

merrymouse · 28/10/2014 23:30

YANBU to expect him to pick up the slack at the weekends.

Sleeping in the Spare room should leave him full of energy and with no excuse not to let you veg. out from Friday evening.

EverythingsRunningAway · 28/10/2014 23:34

I don't think you are unreasonable.

I think one of the reasons DH and I got through the baby years with no resentment was that we were always "in it together".

You are already doing all the heavy lifting at night. To take himself off elsewhere so that you deal with it completely alone because his far more restful nights are just too much for him to bear... I don't know... sometimes being part of a team is just offering moral support.

He's just pretty much told you that there is no team, it's just you and your baby. He's separate, and your lack of sleep is your problem.

I still did most of the night wakings myself. But I never felt alone.

And that mattered to me. Because feeling all alone in the small hours of the night is pretty shit.

SolidGoldBrass · 28/10/2014 23:34

You need to kick him into touch. YANBU at all. Yes, OK, fine, in the working week he needs sleep but at the weekend he should be making sure that you get plenty of rest. THe baby belongs to both of you: he needs to be pulling his weight.

scallopsrgreat · 28/10/2014 23:40

The OP needs her sleep too. She's got 2 children to look after. It didn't surprise me that he's selfish at times when he could pick up the slack. It is cruel and disrespectful to you. No wonder you are resentful.

Presumably you've talked to him about the unfair division of labour here? What was his response?

bopoityboo3 · 28/10/2014 23:47

If you have a 2yo as well you have a working week to deal with too just because it's in the house doesn't mean it's not work. Even if he can't physically do the feeding at night he an do some of the rocking back to sleep etc. I feel your pain op my 6 month old is also still feeding loads through the night but my dh gives me support. Talk to him about it when he gets back from his trip and if he doesn't start supporting you more make sure he realizes that if mum isnt happy no one is. Oh and please don't worry about the house work focus on your two little ones and pray they nap sometimes at the same time so you can also catch a few.

Original poster

blushingmare · 29/10/2014 08:06

Thanks all and sorry for the irrational whinging! Just let the sleep deprivation get the better if me for a moment. Of course it was much better with the bed to myself and had the space to have DS in bed with me and actually got a 3 hour stretch! DH does need to man up a bit at the weekends, but there's only so much a person can change isn't there. It doesn't last forever (she says, having actually got some sleep last night )

OP posts:

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