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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Supporting a close friend during a difficult time ( cancer)

19 replies

PiperIsOrangePumpkins · 28/10/2014 22:02

her mother has cancer which is terminal, I'm in bits myself she is a lovely women. However this isn't about me.

So far I have said I am here if you need me and I will support you.

Knowing about home care at end of life and Macmillan ect I have told her abouth these.

What else can I do. I am at a loss.

OP posts:

Original poster

PiperIsOrangePumpkins · 28/10/2014 23:18

PLEASE, somebody could answer.

OP posts:

yellowdinosauragain · 28/10/2014 23:23

Why not repost in bereavement? You'll get advice from people who have been there.

One thing I'd say is to offer help with specifics, such as offering to have her kids for tea /sleepover (if she has them), or taking over some food. Rather than the 'give me a shout if there's anything you need' thing which means she's got to actually think what she needs.

Also don't be afraid to ask her about her mum and be prepared for her to be upset.

The fact you're asking means you're a lovely friend who obviously cares and I'm sure you'll be a fab support.

Original poster

PiperIsOrangePumpkins · 28/10/2014 23:25

I know it sounds mad, but I want bluntness I want for IABU to tell me what to do.

OP posts:

Hairtodaygonetomorrow · 28/10/2014 23:29

Piper firstly I think you need to just take a deep breath, there's nothing that needs doing immediately. These illnesses require the long-haul, not just the promises of doing anything, being there and so on. It's about being there in a very consistent, quiet way, not being demanding yourself and being prepared to step back as well as step forward- some of my friends who have had cancer have been overwhelmed with visitors/offers of help to the point it was actually a problem. Listen to what your friend really needs and offer that- don't impose your help on her.

Mediumred · 28/10/2014 23:31

Hi, sounds like you're being a great friend but you can't solve this terrible thing for her, not by finding out info or having answers. It can't be 'fixed', just endured.

I lost my mum last year and the friends who helped the most were the ones who asked how she was, how I was and simply listened, and continued to do so after she died, not just for the first few weeks but understood this is such a long journey. It sounds simple but very few people manage it. We are scared of talking about death, stirring up emotions, seeing people showing raw emotion when we are used to jokes, niceties etc with friends.

Just the fact you are posting here and asking so desperately about your poor friend and her mum shows that you will be there for her. Sending you and your friend strength at this dark time.

Original poster

PiperIsOrangePumpkins · 28/10/2014 23:32

I don't know how to handle it.

OP posts:

Original poster

PiperIsOrangePumpkins · 28/10/2014 23:37

Don't worry just been told her mother has passed away.

Devastated

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Mediumred · 28/10/2014 23:39

You can't make her mum better and you can't take her pain away, but you can listen, can't you? ( otherwise, I will tell you that YABU! :)

WooWooOwl · 28/10/2014 23:41

From my recently bereaved perspective, but without the experience of the illness stages, I'd say just make yourself available. Make suggestions of what you could do that your friend will probably find useful, and if there's any enthusiasm from her at all then do them.

I completely agree with Hairtoday, but personally I've found the overwhelming visitors/offers of help a really good and supportive thing, so long as no one gets offended if I can't take them up on what they're offering.

If it's a close friend, you will know the routine normal daily things she might have to do that will suddenly become a pain in the arse while she's dealing with more pressing stuff, and things like dropping round a lasagne or announcing that you're taking the dc out can be really helpful.

Mediumred · 28/10/2014 23:43

Oh no, I am so so sorry. I posted that before I saw about her poor mum. She will need you now more than ever, to talk and listen.

I am so sorry. Please keep asking her how she is, let her talk if she wants to. I'm afraid she will feel very sad for a long time, if you can give her any comfort you will be a great friend. I'm so grateful to those who helped me through.

I am so so sorry again.

WooWooOwl · 28/10/2014 23:43

X posted.

So sorry you and your friend are going through this, it's horrible.

Just stay in touch with your friend.

Original poster

PiperIsOrangePumpkins · 28/10/2014 23:43

NO MORE ANSWERS.

I have asked mn to delete the thread, fucking cancer acts so fast. Friends mother has passed away.

OP posts:

Hairtodaygonetomorrow · 28/10/2014 23:45

I'm sorry to hear that Piper, she sounds like a special person and you don't need to sit on your own feelings (or at least, have a good cry perhaps with another friend, partner if you don't want to blub at your friend).

The rest I think still stands- there is often a flurry of offers/activity around the funeral (although not for everyone) but your friend will appreciate your support over the coming months and years. See what she wants and be responsive to that.

Sorry, this all sounds like a shock to you as well. Look after yourself too.

Lonecatwithkitten · 29/10/2014 07:59

Piperals the advice will be even more relevant now, still be there listening and holding her hand in 6 months time. So many people forget that the bereaved still need support long after the funeral is over.
I know it is as the evilness it steals people from us.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/10/2014 08:27

I agree hairtoday. My dear friend has just been diagnosed with breast cancer and I do feel helpless. I have told her that I am always here for her and will not harass her every day. Just be quietly around iswim. I can't drive and have 2 young children so fetching shopping will be a problem but I know she has family and drving friends that would help in that respect.

Hatespiders · 29/10/2014 08:50

One of my dearest friends passed away last year, it was cancer. While she was so ill but able to go out, I took her for little drives into the countryside and to the coast, and we didn't mention her illness or her fears or the problems with her devastated husband. I tried to give her a whole day where the cancer was firmly put to one side. I think your bereaved friend might value a similar 'day out together' just to 'be'. One needs a short rest from grief or the sadness becomes overwhelming. Could you gently suggest a day (or afternoon) together just to have a quiet, pleasant outing. The autumn countryside for example is very soothing and uplifting.
Your friend is lucky to have such a concerned and caring friend to be at her side. I'm so sorry for your and her loss.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/10/2014 09:18

My friend has a meeting with her specialist to discuss her mastectomy surgery, I don't want to keep calling as I know she was inundated with calls over the weekend and finds it tiring so I have sent a text wishing her well today and letting her know I'm thinking of her. With a text she can open it when she wants and is less intrusive I think.

angstridden2 · 29/10/2014 12:20

Agree about texting; when a close friend had cancer I used to text along the lines of 'thinking of you, ring me if you want to...'. That way if she wanted a chat she knew I was there, if not, could safely ignore!

Aeroflotgirl · 29/10/2014 13:46

Exactly angstritten, I think it's less intrusive and they can read your text at their leisure. Sometimes it's a lot of energy to talk on the phone, my friend said since diagnosis on Friday she has been inundated with phone calls and that she is finding it really hard to repeat to people and to sit down abpnswers take it all in.

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