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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

So angry with dh right now aibu??

16 replies

Whateverittakes3 · 27/10/2014 23:10

I'm lying in bed fuming. Ds 19 months old has been waking pretty much every night for the past few months. I think it's mainly teeth, couple of colds. Right now I think he has both. I go in every night, give water, meds, cuddle and this normally sorts him out. Occasionally it takes a couple of goes, but sleep deprivation is taking its toll. Dh offered to 'deal with it' tonight, however his dealing with it is switching off the monitor and telling me to put ear plugs in. This does not help me! I worry that he won't hear him (he's crying now and dh is snoring away!) I grabbed the monitor when he switched it off and said I'll deal with it if he's not prepared to. He then grabbed it back saying this is his way of dealing with it, ds has had meds so there's nothing more we can do etc. I think he's being lazy and uncaring but aibu? Is he doing the right thing? Should I just let him get on with it? I'd be interested to hear others thoughts!

OP posts:

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye · 27/10/2014 23:13

I think he's being mean.

If your son is used to you going in and suddenly you stop I think he'll be frightened.

Nanny0gg · 27/10/2014 23:15

I wouldn't leave him.

You have to agree a strategy and you both have to follow it.

Casmama · 27/10/2014 23:20

Your dh is a selfish git who wants to take credit for taking over but actually does fuck all. You know that you can't let him get on with it because it is totally unfair on your little boy.

Fairylea · 27/10/2014 23:22

Of course he's being an arse! A cruel, mean arse.

Just because you can't solve a child's problems doesn't mean you shouldn't try and comfort them. It's what being a parent is about.

Grrr. I feel angry on your behalf.

Lovelydiscusfish · 27/10/2014 23:27

It's such a stressful time, isn't it? I imagine you're both feeling pretty strung out with the disrupted sleep. What you need to do, I guess, is sit down tomorrow in the cold light of day, and calmly agree parameters you are both comfortable with, re how long (if at all) ds can be left to cry, can he be left if making noise but not crying, at what stage if at all would you bring him in to your bed, etc etc.
Mind you, dh and I have all this agreed in principle, but still have had our bitterest disagreements ever over dd waking in the night. Which must be why I have so often found myself squished into the bed in the spare room with dd writhing around next to me and whispering "toast and marmite!" really loud in my ear at 4am, while he snores peacefully on in our big bed.
Really, good luck OP. And hope ds feels better soon.

slightlyworriednc · 27/10/2014 23:29

Jesus, what a bastard. I can see that controlled crying has its place but not when your child is ill ffs.

pigsDOfly · 27/10/2014 23:34

Leaving a child to cry suddenly for a long period of time is pretty awful parenting in my opinion at the best of times. Choosing to start doing it when he's unwell is downright cruel. He'll feel alone and scared. And if he is unwell he needs to be monitored. Medication is not a magic fix. Anything could happen.

Sorry but being sleep deprived is not a reason for leaving a sick child alone to cry. When one of mine was a similar age I had a horrible case of food poisoning, like thousands of other mothers would, I still managed to get up to her in the night as my exh never did.

Your DH is not dealing with your DS. He is, as you say, being being lazy and uncaring. And no, in your position I wouldn't let him just get on with it.

Unfortunately, no matter how exhausted you are, it sounds like you're going to have to be the bigger person here and look after your DS yourself.

ZenNudist · 27/10/2014 23:35

He's being an arse. Is he usually so unsupportive?

Finola1step · 27/10/2014 23:38

Go and see to your ds.

Then deal with your husband tomorrow. A strategy needs to be agreed before bedtime.

ColdTeaAgain · 27/10/2014 23:44

I bring DD in with us when she's being like that. Fuck the rules, they just want to be comforted and close to you and it's better than getting in and out of bed like a yoyo all night.

Your DH is being a dick.

lottiegarbanzo · 27/10/2014 23:48

Agree he's being unkind and unhelpful.

Can he cover the first part of the night, or the last, by staying up later or getting up earlier than you? Stagger your sleep, So you get a period of uninterrupted sleep, say from 9-11.30 pm or 5-7.30am that you can always rely on, whatever else happens?

I used to find this very helpful. He still gets a full, unbroken night's sleep too.

You do need to discuss your joint approach in the daytime.it sounds as though he feels helpless, as he cannot 'fix' your son easily, so he's giving up in frustration. It does show a lack of kindness, patience and understanding of what makes a difference.

Original poster

Whateverittakes3 · 27/10/2014 23:49

Thanks ladies. That's confirmed my feelings on the matter. He's not an arse all the time, just when it comes to his sleep. He thinks he needs it more than me grrrr! Ds has stopped crying now but I'm going to take back control of the monitor and switch it on, otherwise I won't get any sleep worrying about ds. Lovelydiscusfish you're probably right once the anger has passed we should probably sit down and agree parameters, what's acceptable length of time crying etc. Dh can get so defensive if he thinks I'm criticising though so need to think about how to start that conversation!

OP posts:

Littlef00t · 28/10/2014 09:35

I would couch the conversation in terms of your tolerance for crying and baby's distress.

I appreciate some parents are happy to let baby cry and that is a valid parenting choice, but I can't tolerate hearing or knowing that this is happening with our son.

I would be much happier if we did x. I appreciate you feel differently, but I can't do it all on my own, the sleep deprivation is too much, so I need your help at night, and can't cope with you ignoring our son so unfortunately I don't think we can choose that option as it upsets me.

I feel etc

I don't have a problem with leaving him to cry for x mins, when his cries are type y to see if he can resettle, or x mins when he sounds more distressed etc.

WyrdByrd · 28/10/2014 10:50

Bring your DS into bed with you so it's less disruptive for you if he wakes in the night, and let your DH have the spare room/sofa!

BauerTime · 28/10/2014 11:14

We do leave DS to cry if he wakes in the night and he can settle himself back to sleep in no more than 10mins. If he goes on longer than that, or its not just a normal whinge cry, or he is ill, then we always go in to him.

I never would have thought id go down the controlled crying route but we did in the end and in the long term im 100% sure it was the right choice. Maybe its something you and DH need to discuss if you are suffering from prolonged disrupted sleep and see where you both stand on it.

Original poster

Whateverittakes3 · 28/10/2014 16:31

Bauer I think those are good limits. 10 mins max, definitely no more if he's ill. Wyrd as much as I'd love to chuck dh out of his bed for bad behaviour(!) I'm not keen on starting bed sharing with ds now, I'd rather settle him in his own room even if it does take a couple of goes. Littlef00t thanks for the how to broach the conversation advice. The passive aggressive chimp in me came out this morning and I gave him the silent treatment, which I guess is better than another argument but I know we need to have a proper conversation about it and I need to focus on my tolerance for crying and what's best for ds (rather than him being a lazy, selfish arse!) Thanks ladies, appreciate your responses.

OP posts:

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