So annoyed! (And upset)

[Bricklestick]

I have an unusual disability and this morning my husband made a really poor-taste comment about it, and I'm furious. It actually drove me to tears this morning, which shocked me.

He's not normally like this, but the comment was on a par with saying cheerily (to a blind person) "You still blind then? Good job, because you look like shit today!" and he said it literally as he was walking out the door to head to the office. WIBU to, I don't know, break his thumb or something and then mock his efforts at feeding/dressing himself for a couple of weeks in retaliation?

In his defence, he did realise he'd been a dick (albeit six hours later), and apologised for it, but by then the damage was done, I'd had the entire morning to brood and be upset. Or, should I just get over myself and accept the apology now it's been offered?

It's a new disability (I'm not blind, btw, but I don't want to go into details, so please don't ask) and I'm still adjusting to it, and feeling paranoid/self-conscious about it all the time, and it's still very stressful even admitting that I'm "disabled" so I'm aware I might be over-reacting.

It sounds like you have every right to be upset. I think you need to explain clearly to your DH how upset you were.

BUT perhaps he just doesn't know how to deal with it, as it is a new issue. And men quite often use banter/humour to try to cope with things. Doesn't excuse it, but perhaps explains where it came from?

I'd be upset too.
Amazing how the people we are closest to can be such arseholes when we are feeling vulnerable. Are sure he wasn't trying to be funny and it backfired?
Make sure you tell him very explicitly how you are feeling. You need support. Best of luck.

Playing devils advocate for a sec, he could be struggling to come to terms with the change too, and decided that a (shitty!) attempt at humour might help. He might not have been trying to be a dick.

He was a dick though, and you have every right to be upset. Can you have a calm chat with him later and explain that it's all still so raw, and why what he said hurt?

I get that, Maddhatter - he's not normally so insensitive though, not laddish at all. BUT, I also often use humour to deal with it, as my coping mechanism so I'm a bit stunned myself that I reacted so badly to his comment. It was just that little bit too far over the line, I think.

Is he usually a dick?

If not, I think I'd say that he's struggling to adjust to your disability too - obviously that's not the same as the adjusting you are having to do, but it is a big change in his life in a different collection of ways, and I think men are often far worse than women realise for finding ways to process their emotions and deal with them. So, inseneisitve and/or 'jokey' comments can come out of their mouths when that's not how they really feel but they're finding it hard to express.

I don't know that you should 'get over' it, but if he's generally a decent chap, then I think you need to find a way of getting 'past' it so that you can both get on with dealing with this change in your lives.

I think it can be hard to draw up new lines for these things. And all too easy to misjudge someone's mood.

My DH (who has a disability) often joked with a mum we know with a (different) disability. Usually they both got on well. One occasion, I don't know if she'd had a particularly bad day or what, she flipped out at him for something he said as a joke, which any other day she'd have joined in with.

They both struggled after that to find acceptable 'friendly' ways of dealing with each other, because they both felt a wariness about talking about the issue.

Sit him down and talk. You'll both have bad days, but you have to renegotiate how you both deal with things when something big comes up to kick you in the nuts.

Thanks, AMumInScotland, that's good advice.

Basically, though, I just want to kick him in the bollocks till he cries, but I'm aware that won't actually solve anything!

It's been six months, so it's new, but it's not new, new. There have been comments like this from other people (previously thought to be intelligent) that we've both boggled at, so it was a shock that he could be such a dick about it.

Well, if you think of something like a bereavement, 6 months is actually quite a bad time, because you're past the initial shock and settling into the 'Oh shit this is actually forever' phase, where you have to work out how to deal with ordinary life in the light of something fundamental being different.

I've v debilitating arthritis and I've had it since a young child so am well used to comments. When I first moved in with Dp, he was great bit he had never seen me on steroids before. I remember sitting there hoovering food, my whole body bloated and he said "oink oink piggy"

to this day I still think about it, 11 years later! It was a dickish thing to say and I'm sure it was his way of dealing but it didn't hurt any less.

I wept for days over that. It can still upset me.

He is a great guy, you need to figure out if yours is too otherwise you will kick him in the balls (no one would judge you!)

People can be such unthing arseholes at times, can't they, TakeMeUp? I'm sorry you had to deal with that one.

I've decided a tiny kick in the bollocks and a little chat will be the answer in this case, he's not texted me since he apologised, so he's embarrassed, I think.