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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aargh! Another inlaw one....

25 replies

cookiemonster100 · 27/10/2014 11:01

FGS my inlaws are driving me insane! MIL FIL BIL & wife are so disorganised. It's chaos sometimes.

It's a family wedding this weekend & they are all staying with us plus one other family. It will be a full house, some folk kipping on the floor etc but for one night it will be ok & was quite happy to lump it. I was quite clear with everyone that they can arrive sat morn (wedding on Sunday) & what the sleeping arrangements are ie some in beds, some on the floor in airbeds.
Nope they have changed their minds and have decided the following. Mil and FIL have decided they are coming Thur night arriving late (ie post bed time). SIL & hubby arriving fri night at a similar time. Hubby on nights so I will be up late 2 nights in a row then up early with my kids. Plus my niece is a crap sleeper & will likely keep is all awake for the 2 nights.
I have gone from really looking forward to having a house full of people to now dreading it. Plus my BIL who is such a plonker is moaning about sleeping on a air bed for 2 nights (well you were only meant to be here for 1 night you knob.)
I have only found this out by a chance conversation. When I questioned MIL she said she told me (she didn't but that's another thread about the early onset of dementia & a compete denial in the family it's happening).
It's so frustrating. You can't make plans with them as they change it & do what they like anyway.
I was tempted to tell them to book a B&B & naff off but the whole family politics situation currently is if I do that it will cause a massive argument.
Plus I have a stonking cold & a poorly bubba. Grrr!!

OP posts:

WeirdCatLady · 27/10/2014 11:03

Why don't you just say No?

It is inconvenient, they can't just arrive early.

YouTheCat · 27/10/2014 11:05

Cause an argument.

You didn't agree to more than one night. Tell them to sort a hotel for the other nights and they are welcome to come for the original time or not at all.

You are doing them all a huge favour.

Littledidsheknow · 27/10/2014 11:06

Send short message via phone/email/text, whatever... saying simply that you and your child are ill, you have plans this week, so we'll just stick to the original arrangement of Saturday.
Tell them, dont ask.
Do not enter into any correspondance.
Tell plonker BIL to book into B and B

emotionsecho · 27/10/2014 11:09

Just put your foot down, say no they have to stick to the arrangements you agreed to, if they don't like it suggest they book alternative accommodation. It is your house. People generally have more respect for and treat better people who stand firm.

petalsandstars · 27/10/2014 11:09

Tell them no. move into a hotel yourself

Inertia · 27/10/2014 11:10

Oh for heaven's sake, just tell them no!

It's not possible to accommodate anybody any earlier than Saturday. If they don't like it they can find a B&B. Anyone who moans about airbeds can find a B&B.

AMumInScotland · 27/10/2014 11:11

Simply tell them that they are welcome to come on Saturday morning and stay til Sunday, but that a longer stay is not convenient.

I would email the whole lot of them with one single email, so there aren't any variations in 'who thinks you said what'.

You could start it with "There seems to be some misunderstanding. I'm expecting you all on Saturday morning (any time from around 10 will be fine). The place is way too cramped and child is too sick to extend the plan to any longer. Not sure where the idea to come on Thursday could have come from - nobody has suggested it to me, as I'd have said why that's just not going to work. Looking forward to seeing you all for the wedding"

If they start an argument, that's their problem, not yours.

skylark2 · 27/10/2014 11:14

I agree. Reiterate - "I'm sorry, there has been a misunderstanding. You can't come on Thursday or Friday as it is not possible. The arrangement is that you come on Saturday morning."

EndoplasmicReticulum · 27/10/2014 11:16

You have two choices here.

Put up with them arriving when they like, keeping you awake, moaning about airbeds and generally being massive PITAs.
Tell them no, stick to your original plan, potentially cause an argument.

I know which one I'd rather do.

DadDadDad · 27/10/2014 11:19

Your DH also needs to back you up: "Sorry, everyone, I know you want to spend more time with us, but I am working nights on Thurs and Fri, and there is no way it's going to work for cookie to have you here before Sat. We'll see you then".

Original poster

cookiemonster100 · 27/10/2014 11:30

Hey! I actually very good at saying no. I tell it to them often.

The reason I feel I can't this time is a) BIL and hubby have just made up after 2 year argument & BIL is such a knob that he will make a issue of it (if he wasn't DH bro I would have lost contact with him by now) 2) if we made them stay anywhere else they wouldn't come to the wedding & DH cousin would be really upset not to have them there, let alone the expense of paying for guests that don't show.
I am tempted to book us lot into a B&B & leave then to it.
They are just all a bunch of knobs & unfort they are his family, so stuck! Grr!

OP posts:

WeirdCatLady · 27/10/2014 11:35

You are only stuck if you allow yourself to be.

Get your dh to put on his big boy pants and say no, actually, the original plan is the only one on offer.

pluCaChange · 27/10/2014 11:35

Maybe BIL is pissed off with whatever concessions he had to make to "make up with" his brother (DH), so is redressing the balance to make himself feel better after "losing face"? If that's the case, he needs to be fallen out with again (and then he can stay somewhere else with his non-sleeping DD).

WeirdCatLady · 27/10/2014 11:36

That sounded harsher than I meant it. I just mean that if they are such knobs they'll find something else to argue about at some point, you can't walk on eggshells for the rest of your lives trying to keep them happy.

AMumInScotland · 27/10/2014 11:45

Has your husband actually agreed to this change of plan? If so, I can see that it is awkward.

But if they have just unilaterally decided to turn up early, it's easy to label it as a 'misunderstanding' and 'clarify' the plans in an email. Nobody has any God-given right to change the plans on coming to stay at someone else's house, no matter what bridges have recently been patched up.

TipseyTorvey · 27/10/2014 11:50

Totally agree with other posters on this. Having visitors is a lot of work, especially with an unwell child. Simply tell them they can arrive on Saturday am, or find alternative accomodation. My FIL used to try this trick - either arriving early or leaving days later but I've put a stop to it now by sending him a clearly worded email saying 'so we'll see you at 2pm on Sat 23rd and you'll be leaving at 4pm on on Sun 24th agreed? See you soon' - and be very breezy about it.

Mammanat222 · 27/10/2014 11:55

Why are the arriving earlier than planned and why so late at night?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 27/10/2014 13:22

You could say, "that's brilliant PIL. The kids are on half term and are a bit miserable with a cold at the moment and driving me mad. Hopefully, they'll be better by Friday but if you could take them out for the day on Friday that would be great. It will give me a chance to get all the airbeds blown up and get a big pot of chilli going for dinner on Friday night. I'm planning lentil casserole so people can help themselves whenever they turn up.

Dear BIL. The living room floor can be a bit chilly this time of year so I recommend some nice fleecy pj's. You and niece don't want to pick up the DC's streaming headcolds.

Love CookieMonster.

Original poster

cookiemonster100 · 27/10/2014 14:07

Ha! Great advice tread def palming the kids of on the PILS on fri.
mamma they are turning up early coz mother of the bride is terminally ill so I think they want to spend some time with her too (even though I am sure she will just want to be with her daughter). This is the other reason I just don't want a fall out coz it's not about me but about DH lovely cousin and her mum.
They are arriving late coz they are about 5 hours away and leaving after work.
I am just exhausted thinking of them being here. My DH is not too impressed but thinks we should grin & bear it for the sake of the wedding & this sensitive time. I do agree with him tbh I just think my inlaws are complete knob heads & I feel like shite

OP posts:

Original poster

cookiemonster100 · 27/10/2014 14:12

Oh yeah BIL is on the air bed. tread didn't even think of the living room, ha! They can go in there with My niece. The fact that the curtains are shite at keeping the sun out is not my issue lol

OP posts:

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 27/10/2014 15:08

Ah - That's slightly different then. They'll arrive properly late so you can take yourself off to bed at 8pm on grounds of illness and leave DH to welcome them put the key under the mat when they arrive at midnight. To be fair, so long as they've eaten en route and don't expect a full English on Friday morning it wouldn't personally bother me too much. It might be quite handy depending on how old your kids are if you can go off to have your hair or nails done or just have a quiet coffee to yourself on Friday. PITA though if they are the sort of visitors who invite themselves early and then expect a fully catered white gloves experience.

Ditto for BIL. I'd point out to him that he was going to be sleeping in the living room and it's simply not practical for him to turn up the night before unless it is late unless he wants to tell the PIL that they need to go to bed early.

I wouldn't feel remotely guilty about booking a pub lunch for Sunday though on a shared bill basis.

loopylou9 · 27/10/2014 15:23

When I questioned MIL she said she told me
regardless of whether somebody is terminally ill, you don't tell somebody that you're staying at their house, you ask them if it's OK. That's just basic manners!

I agree with your DH that considering the circumstances maybe you should just grin and bear it but I'd be seriously annoyed about it too, especially if they have the cheek to complain about the sleeping arrangements!

Aeroflotgirl · 27/10/2014 15:26

Yes out your foot down with all this nonsense. It's Saturday or nothing. Send them a list of local hotels, the ungrateful sods.

BaffledSomeMore · 27/10/2014 15:37

Tread has it but go a bit further.
Thursday night you go to bed as normal leaving DH to wait up.
Friday morning you get up as normal and rope pil into childcare while you relax or do stuff as you need.
Friday night you can either stay up because you've had childcare and a rest or pils stay up if they haven't made your life easier.
Saturday morning you accidentally let dd into the living room to rouse bil.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 27/10/2014 16:12

What time does cbeebies start at anyway?

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