AIBU or are neighbours?

[Hamiltoes]

I'm sooo sorry if this is a long one!

So dh, dd(4) and I moved into our new house this week. Its a 2 bed top floor flat (bought, not rented if that makes a difference?)

Obviously the first couple of days were a bit chaotic, putting beds together, assembling furniture, frequent trips up and down the loft on ladders, unpacking. I'm 39 weeks preg so dh took this week and next week off work and we kept dd off nursery too as it worked out better for us (she only attends 9-12 so more hassle than worth to get ready/ pick up/ drop off).

On Saturday we had a couple of visitors over to see the new place, friend brought her ds (2) to play with dd in the morning while we had catch up and they were really good, mostly played in her room. Dd has lived in flat before so is aware that people are below and always takes shoes off at bottom of stairs, but friends ds still had his on and they did come running to the living room a couple of times which is laminate flooring before i clicked and took his shoes off.

Then dd went off to her dads for weekend and dh parents came over for dinner. The doorbell went so i went to answer while dh entertained, 3 people were at the door, a woman, man, and possibly one of their mothers as they looked a bit older.. this is pretty much the conversation that followed:

-Hi we live downstairs
-Oh hi, i'm hamiltoes its nice to meet you. (Shakes womans hand)
-Yes we just wanted to ask if you were aware of how much noise you're making?
-Oh right... I'm sorry about that we just moved in, its been a bit hectic! (I was trying to be very friendly and smiley at this point iykwim?)
-Well he works nightshift and keeps getting woken up by someone stomping around. They are newbuild houses so don't have any sound proofing.

• Yeah I know what you mean (did I? Newbuilds dont have soundproofing?) we have laminate in the living room so put a big rug down.

I then explained we have a 4yo and i'd make sure she took her shoes off, remind her there are people downstairs etc. She then reminded me that he needs to sleep during the day, and added that she gets up for work at 5am in the morning so is in bed early and needs her sleep too. I apologised again and said we would be more mindful before closing the door and heading back upstairs.

While all this was going on another young man got out of a car and just kind of stood at the door staring at me beside the mother. I started to feel a bit awkward at this point, did it really take 4 of them to confront me?

Dh was at the top of the stairs and asked what all that was about. I explained and retold convo to dh and in laws. FIL works nightshift and immediately said the guy is being unreasonable and should get earplugs like he does (MIL has various GC in the house during the day while he sleeps). Dh then started saying I was being too nice, they were out of order, we can't put our life on hold during the day because he works at night when most people are sleeping. I think he got a bit pissed off that 4 of them were at the door and the lady had quite a hostile attitude. MIL agreed I was too nice, if they come back send dh down to tell them where to go, dd can run around if she wants to its her house, clearly they dont have children, why live in a ground floor flat if you want silence 24hrs a day... And so on!

So it got me thinking, aibu or are the neighbours? How much noise its too much? We don't tiptoe around (although do at night time due to habit as does everyone i imagine?) but nor would I say we bang around or blare music. I haven't even hoovered the floors or done a washing yet? Was it too soon for them to come round complaining, or do you think they were just getting it over with as soon as possible as they thought we might not realise?

I text my friend who was over with ds for her opinion and she text back "well dog was barking when i came in the gate maybe if she shut that up he would sleep better!!"

Was i being too understanding and soft to say that i would try to get dd to be a bit quieter? We lived with neighbours from hell and I really wanted this place to be different but we will have a newborn screaming at all hours any day now, and theres very little i can do about that so i fear this wont be the last time and dh will be a lot less reasonable if they come back :-S

I've nit read the whole post as the site is playing for me & very jumpy

But as far as I've got, no, YADNBU, they sound very confrontational & DH used to work nights & never expected the rest if the world to revolve around him, like your DF, he used ear plugs

Did you get any info on neighbours from the last owners ?? I hope I'm wrong, but this same sort of thing happened to friends of ours when they first moved into a new flat - neighbours turned out to be nuts & kept reporting them to environmental health for no reason at all - also worked nights & expected silence during the day

If he works night shifts, then he does need to Wear ear plugs or accept that he will be disturbed!
I would consider changing the laminate to carpet though.
I do think having 4 of them was a little OTT.
They also need to accept that living in flats will mean they will hear other people, especially in new builds!!

Thanks for replies I just realised the time (pregnancy insomnia!)

RockinHippy we did ask about the neighbours when we viewed and were given the impression all families in the street, which was exactly what we wanted and didn't have at the last place.

British- agree about the laminate. Was here when we moved in but We had planned to change to carpet within the first year, was hoping to get past newborn spewy milky stage before letting go of the easy wipe clean practicality of the wood tho!

I work nights and accept being disturbed. Things I do get cross at - constant door slamming, children screaming outside (not playing, actual non stop screeching)
That's about it and mainly because ear plugs don't block that out!
I live in an apartment block but it must be really sound proofed because I've never heard my upstairs neighbours

I also work shifts, so can go to bed in the day ready for a shift or sleep all day because I have just finished nights. I wear ear plugs and sleep fine. I agree with Goodasitgets, door slamming is a pain and people who beep their cars horns, but once im off I think I could sleep through WW3.

I live in a ground floor flat and at a certain time of the day hear walking (assume that's when they're home and are wearing boots/heels or something) I also hear a small dog running around and occasionally other noises but usually TV/talking stops me hearing it. I can hear it if my flat is silent though so during the day while he's sleeping he can probably hear everything. That's why ear plugs were invented! My ex used to work nights and would put tv on on his phone and wear ear phones or wear ear plugs because the daytime is when the majority of other people are awake knocking on your door to deliver your parcels, calling you to see if you've had an accident in the last 5 years, texting you about stuff, walking/playing outside etc! The neighbours (all FOUR ) of them are BU you're DNBU!

You are not unreasonable, they are. Start right away to log every conversation or incident, ready for when you have to go to the police because they harass you.

Your child/ren must be allowed to live a normal child-life, without having to shush constantly because of your neighbours' working arrangements.

YANBU!

You've just moved in so I imagine noise levels are going to be much higher right now than once you've settled. Once you have settled it would be completely unfair to you all to tip toe about during the day just because one person is sleeping!

Oh dear, I wonder what your neighbours will say when your baby comes along? :/

My first thought was the previous owners were either very quiet or very noisy.

If they were very quiet I could see how a normal amount of family noise would seem unreasonable to them, but they live in a flat, it's something they need to get used to.

If they were noisy, the neighbours probably think laying out their stand point now is a way they can try and deal with your noise before it becomes an issue to them.

Either way they are being utterly unreasonable.
They choose to live in a flat, that comes with a lot of neighbour noise generally.
Working nights or going to bed early is also their choice, if they really expect the world to be silent just because they want to sleep they need to live rurally.
They world does not revolve around them, despite what they may think.

If I were you I would be going around there with DH tomorrow to 'introduce ourselves properly' I would appologise again about the moving noise but say that now we are all moved in the noise will be back to a normal day to day family level.
If they say anything about needing quiet I would say that of course we wouldn't be making anything more than standard day to day family noise.

Good luck Hamiltoes.

I don't think you did anything wrong because with moving in you probably have been quite a bit noisier than you would normally be - so apologising and smiling were all good.

They were being unreasonable coming around mob handed but probably the couple both wanted to be there, the the mother didn't want to be left out and the other person was just bad timing! They were also being unreasonable not to think 'oh they're just moving in, it'll settle down'.

Yes if you know your neighbours are on set shifts you can try to be considerate but if he's sleeping in the day and she's off to be early it doesn't leave you much time to actually be free to live in your flat without tip toeing around - so, their bad luck really.

Just make the normal, reasonable, adaptions that you make when you are in an upstairs flat (& not everyone is so considerate!) - shoes off, no ride on toys with chunky wheels (smooth wheels are OK), no bouncing balls & try not to 'scrape' furniture across the floor - but you have every right to live in your flat without worrying about every jump off the sofa & toy being dropped etc

Don't give it another though.

It sounds like they were wanting to introduce themselves and mention he is a night worker so you knew and could be considerate, but it ended up coming across a bit stronger than intended?

It is better than silently seething every time he heard something in the day, when you didn't know he was trying to sleep and then coming over all guns blazing a few weeks of broken sleep later.

If he comes back, I'd say to get ear plugs but that you will be considerate, but you won't tiptoe around and if he can't cope he should move!

Keep the laminate! Weaning is messy!

What a way to introduce yourself to new neighbours! Some neighbours would, I don't know, take an apple pie round or drop a card through the door... These neighbours pop round to essentially tell you off for making noise during the day.

Do not ever put your life on hold for neighbours, don't let it make you self conscious. You are not bu, they are. If you work nights you get ear plugs. People make noise during the day because people have lives. Believe it or not the world doesn't stop to accommodate a persons shift patterns.

A night worker should accept that there is going to be general household noise during the day. I work nights and I'm not a very good sleeper. If you add in my neighbours children running up and down the stairs, and thier dog barking, then I can get very grumpy but I wouldn't dream of telling them to be quiet.

Yanbu. I hope that this doesn't turn out to be a long running neighbour dispute for you.

Its just the early stages and too soon to tell. You've been much noisier than your normal routine would be as you've been selling in to your new home (congrats btw). As the weeks go on you'll get to see what the neighbours think of how much day to day noise you usually make and deal with it from there.

I wouldn't worry about it at all right now. Just log it and move on. Hopefully you won't hear any more complaints.

YANBU but don't send DH in all guns blazing, if they mention it again.

Be polite at all times, but be assertive and calm whilst maintaining that it is you right to a reasonable level of family noise.

Your neighbours were being unreasonable. Kill them with kindness, but be firm that you will only implement reasonable solutions, insist on no shoes for example.

If it is a new build, can you get confirmation that the soundproofing between the flats is to latest standards. (I know of one case where a sale was threatened with reversal due to inadequate sound proofing, in the end the builder agreed to rectify.) If it is not, they may have an obligation to rectify it, depending on the age of the property. If it is, they you have some defense that noise levels are not unacceptable.

This link might be worth a read.
www.problemneighbours.co.uk/noisy-flat-above-there-anything-we-can-do.html
You will see that you have to be pretty noisy for it to be unreasonable, you can use these facts in your conversations with your neighbours. We promise not to play the radio / TV above x decibels before / after these times, etc...

And it might be worth talking to your neighbour about coming up with a mutually agreable solution, contacting the local Environment Health Officer who can measure the noise levels and determine if action is required. It is highly unlikely that the noise levels will be a problem but it you approach it calmly and rationally, they will be shown to be the unreasonable ones.

And ultimately, you could perhaps investigating the cost of floor or ceiling soundproofing and sharing it.

This is all much more action than you need to take but it could help.

When I was little, aeons ago naturally, I used to play with the wee girl who lived next door. Her dad worked night shifts sometimes, and day shifts others. One particular time when he was on nights, she told me we weren't allowed to play in my front garden because her dad was asleep at the front of the house (next door obviously!)

My mum told her that he couldn't actually make rules for our house. Next thing was her mother telling my mother that we weren't allowed to play in the front garden as her husband needed his sleep! My mum (who is one of the quietest, mildest people on the planet usually!) said if she wanted to stick her radio on the front lawn at full blast during the day and host a party, there was nothing the neighbours could do about it, and equally if us children wanted to play on the front lawn, she was not going to stop us during the daytime hours.

They are U - love on a flat you hear noise. However, if you have a child running around (yes, even in socks) it's probably really fucking annoying hearing thud thud thud on the laminate. It would be nice if you to get a big thick rug down and try and limit any rubbing in the house.