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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a bloody cheek?

30 replies

Nomoretogive · 26/10/2014 20:23

I will start by being honest and saying I do not have a great relationship with my inlaws. They love my dd and ds but are not at all fond of me! Fair enough and I have, I hope, always tried to keep the doors open for them to visit etc.
However, and here's the difficulty; they only visit when they are up in the area for appointments etc and then only for an hour or two between other engagements.
They haven't seen the children for over a year and last time was for 2hours when they were here to go to the dentist. They are coming up to visit the accountant this week and have said they have an hour in which they would like to see the children.
I am actually livid at the moment and don't feel I can give them an answer right now........
How would you feel about this and am I being a selfish moo if I say no.?

OP posts:
calzone · 26/10/2014 20:24

Be unavailable.

Book something so you are busy. Grin

FunkyBoldRibena · 26/10/2014 20:26

'Oh what a coincidence. So are we'.

Gileswithachainsaw · 26/10/2014 20:27

You are all.looking a bit green. Are you sure your feeling ok?

LaurieFairyCake · 26/10/2014 20:28

They don't love them if they haven't been fucked to see them for over a year!

They're shit and you should not arrange your life round them.

If your DH wanted to facilitate it, he could - or they could visit for the whole day.

But they really don't care, people who care don't wait a year to visit for an hour.

Original poster
Nomoretogive · 26/10/2014 20:33

Thanks for replies so far. Bit confused by Funky and even more by Giles! Did I miss something?!
Laurier, unfortunately DH is no longer able to help us, he passed away some time ago!
Makes me so sad that his parents have so little to do with our children, but they were always a bit like it even when he was alive. I guess I was just wondering if I was being unreasonable to think "stuff it".?

OP posts:
pippistrelle · 26/10/2014 20:34

I can see that this would be irritating, but I don't think I'd let it irritate me so much that the children didn't see them. After all, OP, you concede that they love your children and you say you've always kept the door open. So, would you really close it now?

MmeMorrible · 26/10/2014 20:34

They sound better than mine. At least they don't descend and stay for days on end, wanting to be waited on hand and foot, ignoring the DC they have come to see whilst pointing out all your shortcomings to your DH.

An hour of being pleasant I could manage. A week is beyond me.

LaurieFairyCake · 26/10/2014 20:36

Ah, that probably puts a different slant on it for you then.

I'm very sorry that they're so useless Sad

I think it's really crappy that they don't visit properly

I still don't think you need to organise round them - but I totally appreciate why you might

skylark2 · 26/10/2014 20:37

Is it possible they find it awkward (because they've never got on that well with you) and upsetting (because your DH passed away)?

I would accommodate it unless it was really inconvenient not to. Shame for your kids not to see their GPs for the short time on offer.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/10/2014 20:44

I would be conveniently unavailable, they should make more of an effort. I hour is shit, they havent seen them in a year.

diddl · 26/10/2014 20:50

they are not putting much effort in, are they?

but then if it's no trouble to you or the kids I'd put up with an hr I think.

Bigoleheffer · 26/10/2014 20:53

I would be enraged but then my DS grand parents couldn't give a shit about him and I know I'm projecting my own stuff. Would the kids want to see them? If the answer is yes I would probably just suck it up for the time they spend with you. How would you feel about confronting them about how you feel?

Original poster
Nomoretogive · 26/10/2014 20:59

I suppose the reason I am dithering is that it has a negative effect on the children and it makes me so very sad ( and quite angry) to have to be so bloody positive about GPs "wasnt it lovely to see them and how exciting to spend some time chatting" etc when what I really want to do is shout " your gps are arseholes who have all but abandoned you at a time when you needed them most". Never mind that they have been close by (as i later found out) on numerous occasions but not even put their head in the door . As they live a long way away I am at a loss why they have never asked or suggested having the children for a day out etc. Sorry if I seem a bit ranty but I am so cross that I want to tell them to piss off for good, but know I will probably end up doing the duty for the kids sake.....

OP posts:
TSSpectreDNCOntheParanormal · 26/10/2014 21:01

Giles has it. You're all coming down with something nasty and contagious. Imminently.

SpawnOfFrustration · 26/10/2014 21:02

My in-laws do exactly the same thing, exactly - even down to the dental appointment thing. If I can fit them in, and I can be bothered, I do. It's very frustrating though.

diddl · 26/10/2014 21:02

if it affects the kids in a negative way then say no.

Floralnomad · 26/10/2014 21:07

The way to look at it is what do these people bring to your children's lives , if the answer to that is very little or nothing then the answer is to not accommodate the visit .

Original poster
Nomoretogive · 26/10/2014 21:08

Ooh now I get what Giles meant....... Sorry I can be so dim!!!

OP posts:
Bigoleheffer · 26/10/2014 21:09

I'm with Floral.

SaucyJack · 26/10/2014 21:33

TBH it sounds like they only want to visit because they have an hour to kill, and they don't want to have to pay for a cup of coffee at Starbucks.

YANBU.

Original poster
Nomoretogive · 26/10/2014 22:01

Re the Starbucks, that's about right for them actually!

I'm trying to pluck up the courage to say no but also explain how I feel it hurts the children. I really dislike them right now and need to sleep on it or I might speak my mind too openly then it might be beyond repair.... Too many things have been bubbling for too long!

Goodnight all and thanks for listening. X

OP posts:
Greenkit · 27/10/2014 03:42

I would speak to them, if you have lost your husband they have lost their son, perhaps it hurts to see his children as they remind them of him, perhaps they feel like they would be intruding if they had the children over night or perhaps they are just crap.

Just speak to them, tell them how you would love them to be more involved in your childrens lives, how the children love seeing nanny and grandad...

Whats the worse that can happen?

FunkyBoldRibena · 27/10/2014 07:04

They say 'we are at the accountants, can we drop in'
You say 'oh, what a coincidence, so are we', ie you will also be out at the same time.

To be perfectly honest, can you send the kids out (to friends, with friends, aunties etc) and let them come round. And ask them why they dont bother with their grandkids and why thus matters to you and them. And if they want a relationship what they need to do in order to sustain one.

differentnameforthis · 27/10/2014 07:04

I would speak to them, if you have lost your husband they have lost their son, perhaps it hurts to see his children as they remind them of him

Sorry, but this doesn't wash with me. Yes, I guess it would be hard, but

1] Do they not remind their mother (the op) of their father? - Cop out!
2] The children are all they have left of their son, you'd think they would want to see them
3] The grandparents are all they have left of their father & the grandparents should be trying harder to keep a relationship going with them

Chocovore · 27/10/2014 07:09

How much effort do you make to go and visit them? A relationship is a 2 way thing.

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