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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not take ds to the party?

14 replies

extremepie · 26/10/2014 19:22

Ds2 has been invited to a classmate's birthday party next week which is quite an event since he has ASD and doesn't get invited to that many parties.

Trouble is it just happens to be the daughter of someone I used to be friends with. I say used to because after me & exH she and another friend inexplicably stopped talking to me. Said other friend will also be at the party.

Now I realise this could be an attempt to bury the hatchet but, as mean as it sounds I'm just not interested in making up with them. Particularly the 'other friend' who phoned my ex behind my back to tell him to call SS because I was leaving the kids alone (which I wasn't) and reported me to the police for the same reason. She also spread some untrue rumours about me which caused other friends to stop speaking to me too. None of them bothered to check if the rumours were true or talk to me they all just ignored me when I tried to talk to them & started avoiding me :( In short, they abandoned me when I needed friends most and I don't really want them back in my life.

Ds was due to go to respite that day anyway and won't miss it at all if he doesn't go whereas if he does go I then have to stand and make awkward small talk with people I don't like :/

Aibu? I know it all sounds very childish and it is really. I feel quite selfish for considering it but I'm just uncomfortable trying to be pally with people who really really hurt me for no good reason :(

OP posts:

iwantavuvezela · 26/10/2014 19:48

I think in this case you would be justified in not going. No party is worth it if you are made to feel hurt or awkward in life. If your DS won't miss it, then no problem. Hope it works out for you.

Cantbelievethisishappening · 26/10/2014 19:49

You are totally justified in not going.

Original poster

extremepie · 26/10/2014 20:47

Thank you :) Relieved I don't seem to bu I just feel bad that he will miss it because of me but he won't care at all!

I'm not sure why she invited him tbh, I mean it's a nice gesture to him but she would have known that I would have to stand there with her & 'other friend', knowing what had gone on. It also seems that 'other friend' has no interest at all in making up and has been openly hostile towards me since so I'm not sure what her thinking was there :/

Also ds1 has not been invited so did she expect me to leave him at home, knowing that I have no childcare?

OP posts:

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 26/10/2014 21:01

Any chance your ex would take him?

Dayshiftdoris · 26/10/2014 21:06

As a mum of a child with ASD now aged 10 I only take him to those sorts of things when I can be fairly sure that if he was
Nt coping then I could be sure that he and I would not be judged...

I don't think this is one of those situations.

Original poster

extremepie · 26/10/2014 21:34

Mom, exH lives about 300 miles away and has seen dc's twice since last year so unfortunately he can't take him :(

Good point, Dayshift, 'other friend' has admonished me about my parenting at the school gates before so I can't imagine she'd be forgiving if ds has a meltdown because he wasn't allowed to eat all the other kids crisps :/ Despite the fact that they all know he has asd I can imagine I will be running around after him and apologising a lot if he did go!

OP posts:

saoirse31 · 26/10/2014 21:36

depends on d's wishes I'd have thought. also if he doesn't get invited much would you not be quite keen for him to go?

Original poster

extremepie · 26/10/2014 21:43

I am keen for him to go as I want him to start building relationships with his peers (this is something they are working on in school too) and I would have been jumping at the chance if it wasn't this particular person and the other people who will be there!

OP posts:

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 27/10/2014 21:54

Sounds like you should follow your instincts so.

But maybe have a prior engagement so regretfully can't go, rather than straight refusal. Then it can't be said that your DS was invited but refused to go...

Littlef00t · 28/10/2014 10:23

Is this decision best for your son or because you don't want to feel awkward? Are you sure other parents are staying?
Are you sure you'll end up having to talk to these women rather than a polite nod and just avoid?

I'm surprised so many think it's ok when you're the one who feels awkward but I don't know much about asd so I suspect I don't understand. It just seems such a missed opportunity.

Original poster

extremepie · 28/10/2014 11:11

Yes mom, I do plan to RSVP and say thanks very much but ds has respite on that day so can't attend :)

I'm fairly sure everyone will be staying littlef00t, tha party is for a 5/6 yr old so still quite little & even if no one else stayed I would have to because ds needs close supervision.

I wouldn't necessarily be expected to talk to them but I don't really want to stand on my own in silence while everyone chats & mingles & ignores me either :(

OP posts:

AugustaGloop · 28/10/2014 11:17

Are they in the same class? I.e. are you going to have the same issue that they will be at other parties he is invited to?

Original poster

extremepie · 28/10/2014 11:37

Yes they are in the same class but no one else's parents talk to me so probably won't get any other party invites!

OP posts:

AugustaGloop · 28/10/2014 20:06

So essentially the effect of turning down this invitation is that he will not be invited to any parties? On that basis I think you should think a bit harder about going unless you think she is trying to set you up in some way.

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