overweight partner

[senna123]

I have been with my boyfriend over 7 years. When I met him he was over weight. This didn't both me as he is incredible and it didn't appear to bother him. The longer I knew him the more I saw that infact it bothers him a great deal and makes him utterly miserable. He is the life and soul of every party and everyone thinks he is incredibly funny and the happiest person around.

His misery starts every time we go out and he has no clothes to wear as they are all too small (even though XXL).

I have been fully supportive every time he wants to lose weight. I have made food sacrifices and join him on his work out sessions.. in the years have created my own food issues where I have been seriously underweight as having to focus so much on what I eat and exercise clearly brings out big issues for me.

We don't have much money but have paid thousands for personal trainer sessions. The workouts are no issues.. it is the eating. Before I met my partner I was not the best eater. I am 8 stone however sometimes love nothing more than to eat unhealthily. I am no saint when it comes to eating (which he frequently tells me and i fully acknowledge as i am fully aware of my own eating issues ) however he is the one enormously over weight not me. The problem with the trainers(we have tried many) is even though when we find them they claim to also support with eating plans.. they all become my partners buddy and end up not following through asking what he eats and only focus on the workout

This issue has once led us to have a break as I couldn't stand how miserable he gets when dieting. Many times I have said to him that if he is happy being the size he is then I am happy with it as well. His size doesn't bother me.. it is the fact that his size makes him so miserable.

We are getting married next Summer and will at some point be having children. I have said that if he can't do it for a wedding and for children then it will probably never happen.

He has been accepted on this fairly hardcore workout/eating regime who have great results (I know because people I went to school with who were his size have transformed). He won't try it because he wants to stay with the guy who he is with now.. i think it is because he doesn't want to offend this guy. I have pointed out he has put on 2 stone since starting with this guy 2 months ago.

Am I being unreasonable to say try this new regime or just stop wasting money paying hundreds each week (which we don't have ) to gradually put on more weight..

A stone a month isn't "gradually", it is massively fast weight gain.

Has he spoken to his GP to check there isn't an underlying issue?

And hundreds a week for something which is not only not working but is a disaster in the opposite direction? Are you kidding?

As someone who was once 7 stone overweight, you have to want to change. It's much like being a drug addict or alcoholic. I'll be battling my weight until the day I die, I know I will.

Has he considered therapy to talk about why he has access to all of this help yet isn't allowing it to work? Why he is self sabotaging?

2 stone in 2 months takes some serious doing. At this rate, there won't be a wedding or children in your future, because he will probably have a heart attack before the chance comes.

Sorry, but paying hundreds of pounds each week for personal trainers and putting on two stone in two months! Neither is sustainable! Its all a carry on isn't it - the personal trainers, the putting on weight. Anyone else would be questioning why they were involved in this kind of drama ... where do your own personal limits lie?

I'm not saying people have to be high achievers, but there comes a time when you have to distinguish between people that actually achieve normal goals in life, such as holding down a job and staying healthy and not making a fuss about doing it, so you can enjoy your time together, and not achieving anything but making a big drama about not doing so.

Why marry into that, no matter how well you get on?

that is very fast weight gain, could you get him to see his gp to see if everything is ok?

Hypnosis might help him calm down and comfort eat a bit less.

thank you for your replies

he does take medication for something unrelated to weight. He came off these tablets and did lose his weight (but insists this is a coincidence as was dieting at the same time) however doctor said he needed to go back on tablets. Medication may make it easier for him to put on weight.. but many people on same medication aren't over weight.

I really feel for him. I used to be 7 stone overweight, it's such a vicious circle.

But I suspect he needs counselling and support from his doctor and a dietician, there is clearly more to this than meets the eye.

I also suspect he might be trying diets that are very strict, these are much harder to stick to. He'd probably be better off following something less strict.

Get him to look into Overeaters Anonymous, online or via groups. Amazing stuff and don't worry about the god angle. I am an atheist and have been welcomed and found a great deal of helpful support.

google 'dnafit'. they check your dna and set up a diet to suit.

I have said that if he can't do it for a wedding and for children then it will probably never happen

What happened, specifically, that made you say that? It's a very negative & pressuring thing to say to someone like your DH. It's not something you can do for x or y. It's no different than saying it to an alcoholic :( All it does is make the person feel worse.

He has been accepted on this fairly hardcore workout/eating regime who have great results

What is it?

He won't try it because he wants to stay with the guy who he is with now.. i think it is because he doesn't want to offend this guy

It's more likely that he's scared he can't do it and will fail and is 'hiding behind' not wanting to leave the guy he is with now :(

I have pointed out he has put on 2 stone since starting with this guy 2 months ago

That is shocking, but has he toned up any? Gained muscle and lost 'flab'?

Am I being unreasonable to say try this new regime or just stop wasting money paying hundreds each week (which we don't have ) to gradually put on more weight

I can see what you are saying, but I wouldn't put it quite like that. I'd separate out the issues. I would say to him 'This isn't working, you are gaining weight, you need to stop seeing x'. Separately I would say 'Please try this 'regime' it has helped many people I know and I want you to be happy. I love you how you are, but you don't. Please try it.'

Why does he have to lose weight for the wedding? Not losing weight for that doesn't mean he doesn't care about the wedding. Losing weight is incredibly hard and it doesn't matter what weight you are when you marry anyway!
If he doesn't have clothes that fit then he needs to get some that do. Feeling horrible in ill fitting will make him feel shit. Loadsa websites do nice bigger size mens clothes. Look online! Don't squeeze into too tight ones.
Doing a hardcore fitness and incredibly restrictive diet is going to fail, Every time! If he himself wants to lose weight he needs to follow a healthy, simple plan, maybe slimming world? Start eating more fruit and veg, drinking more water and cutting portion size. A sustainable, real diet not a fad! Doing moderate exercise a few times a week, walking, cycling or swimming will be much more sustainable and a great starting point. Don't push him he should only do this if he wants to.

How does he feel about having gained 2 stone in 2 months while using his chosen personal trainer? I'd definitely recommend a full GP work up and a visit to the dietician. Putting on weight that quickly while you're actively trying to lose it is not an easy thing to do. (no judgement here btw...I'm several stone overweight myself and trying to lose it, but even I'd be worried if I gained that much that quickly).

Clearly exercise only is NOT working for your partner - I know plenty of overweight but very aerobically fit people.

He'll hate it, but he probably needs to separate out his exercise and dieting regimes - he should do a diet that's really rule based such as weight watchers or slimming world. If he's not happy to go to meetings he could do one of the online programmes maybe? But it's obvious his problems are with his eating, not his exercising.

A lot of people use exercise as an excuse to overeat, as in "I've just been to the gym so I've 'earned' that pizza", conveniently forgetting that an hour in the gym will burn a maximum of 600 calories and a pizza has significantly more.

I wish you both the best of luck, it sounds really hard, but he needs to sort himself out or he'll never be happy (or healthy).

Hi I'd back up what has been said above he needs (we all need!) to find a way to be happy and healthy, and probably this means losing weight, but this has to be by finding a way to live that he can stick to permanently. FWIW I have read quite a bit about low carb eating. I have to say it did make a lot of sense, and seems to work very well for some people. Dr John Briffa has written a couple of books, pretty readable and enough science to make it seem plausible and worth a try. He also warns against rapid weight loss as so likely to end up going back on with interest. So important to make a permanent change - so it has to be bearable!

Is it Lighter Life? Just a warning, I know people who've had great results but who put it all back on (and more) the following year.