Your kids/My kids, double standard much? AIBU?

[shey03]

So my dp has kids that don't like me. There's no reason for it, other than the stereotypical hostile, bitter ex who doesn't want to share her kids or for her ex to be happy. So some days are good with dp's dc, some not so good. Spent a year trying to bond, started detaching a few months ago. Dp is permissive, his dc are reluctant, dismissive, rude and in one case, hostile. Even after this time, they have to be reminded to say hello, say goodbye, they don't make eye contact..... Step parents will identify here, what I am saying. It's not easy, it's not what I want, but I accept it and no longer make any negative comments about it as WW3 will ensue.

Funny thing is, my youngest is starting to switch off too and totally unlike him, he ignored dp's dc when they came in the other day and he was rushing out to footie. I did make a mental note of it, to chat to him later on, just to say, even though some people do that to us, we don't do it to them... Not one hour passed before I got an a text about this 'incident'. My dp even made mention that it had never happened before but that he was worried because it would make his children upset and make them not want to come to our house if it continued. What!!! Tried to say, you're being a bit harsh here, I'll talk to him, but he's switching off because of xyz... So you're saying 'my children have affected sheyson, don't be ridiculous....' and there it went again WW3.

AIBU to think my dp has a complete double standard here. 2 1/2 years of his kids being negative and dare I say, upsetting me and my kids is fine and I need to chill and grow up. But one time my ds (as an after affect of this) ignores his dc for a brief second, ie. not saying hello, is unacceptable? Feel totally walked all over.

Love - what are you doing staying with him? He sounds like he really doesn't care about you and your DC, only him and his? It's a horrible environment for your kids to be growing up in.

How old are his children and your children?

What does he say when you ask him how he thinks it has made you and your kids feel, for the last few years?

Tbh I would dump this man and his awful kids. Life's too short to put up with this nonsense, especially shitty attitude from children who are not even yours!! He seems not to care much for your dc, don't accept being treated this way.

Afraid I agree with the above. He makes no effort to get his children to even show basic courtesy but expects your son to be welcoming and polite to children who are rude and indifferent? I can't see any way forward for this when he has such appalling double standards.

YANBU but it sounds horrible for everyone: your DP's DC are allowed to be rude; you've detached from them; your DS has to treat your DP's DCs like favoured guests.

The irony is that if all the DCs acted like siblings then of course there would be instances when they might ignore each other- that wouldn't be a crisis; it would be normal.

But you're both thinking in terms of sides and really it's not going to work. Also you might have resigned yourself to the bad behaviour of your DP's DCs but you can't allow your DS to be treated like a second-class citizen in his own home and family.

I don't really see how things will change with his kids if he's not prepared to step up and actually be a parent here.

Mine are 16-11 and his are 10-13. Tbh in the past whenever I have questioned his children's behaviour (because it really is soul destroying to feel hated) it is really just because I want support from him and to know that he's got my back and will guide them. And being ignored and disrespected in your own home in front of your own kids is not very comfortable at all and it is upsetting for my dc even when it's a 10 year old doing it.

Well... it's unbelievable what happens next. It will be 'HOW have MY dc affected YOU and YOUR kids, they are just little! 'They are under such pressure, you make them sound like monsters!' He'll accuse me of not caring, it's a complete overreaction when all I wanted was a 'sorry chicken, I know you try and it's not easy, I do appreciate it...' I'm not even asking him to make the behaviour go away, I know they're under pressure from their mum to not accept me and to appear to not enjoy their time with their dad. All I need is for him to see and appreciate the effort we make.

Bookaboo, you've hit the nail on the head, this new development, the double standard is feeling like a step too far. I've put up with too much and only now, I feel quite upset because I realise that this situation has affected my dc more than I had realised. I spoke to my son about it gently, he is an absolute star anyway, so thoughtful and loves my dp dearly. I felt terrible when he said 'does sheydp understand that we always make an effort, even though they are not that nice to us?' I had to lie and say 'yes and we must always make the effort because we love sheydp and we do it for him.' If he knew the truth, that my dp clearly does not appreciate or even see our efforts, he would be heartbroken. And bless him, he apologised for not saying hello the other day when he was rushing. Could absolutely cry right now.

Why do you think all you are worth is a man who doesn't appreciate what you do, where you have to put up and shut up in your own home or cause WW3 and where this is now affecting your DC?

This mans kids are a part of him forever. How are you going to feel when you and your DC are excluded from graduations, engagement parties, weddings, future family events?

But...

He expects his DC to have every right to come to any of your family equivilants and you and yours are the nasty shitty ones if it doesn't happen.

You and your DC are not second class. Don't let your DP continue to treat you as such. And it is him allowing their behaviour or else you wouldn't be in a position where you feel you would be causing WW3 if you broached it.

Stop compromising your beautiful sensitive children for this unappreciative man!!!

What are you teaching your beautiful son?

Leave until your "dp" has some respect for you and your children for goodness sake.

this new development, the double standard is feeling like a step too far.I've put up with too much and only now, I feel quite upset because I realise that this situation has affected my dc

Have a cry if it will make you feel better but don't forget that this feels like a step too far. I understand that you're trying to teach your DCs to always do the right thing but actually there's a line where that tips over into teaching your DCs to have poor boundaries.

It's ok to have a point where you decide you won't be treated a certain way, when you decide you're not going to be the recipient of someone else's bad behaviour and bad moods. It's actually healthy to be able to say 'I won't be treated this way'. It doesn't have to be confrontational but it does have to be a line.

I haven't read your previous threads but it sounds as though you've never had a firm boundary with either your DP or your DP's DCs which will make it even harder to try to establish one now. Only you can judge if you think it will be possible to establish those new boundaries or if the only solution is to start to separate your families.

You can lie for your DP now, but his feelings will come out in front of your DS soon, and you will be the one to piece him back together.

It doesn't sound like it's working- must be so hard to not feel appreciated by the one who is meant to understand you the best.

Your DS sounds too lovely to be treated this way! He doesn't deserve this at all op. At least see this through your kids eyes. Why should they 'have' to accept being treated badly in THEIR home.
Why should you be treated this way by a little 10yo nipper in your home. It doesn't matter that he's influenced to behave this way, it doesn't change the fact that it's still happening.

You dp making this into a your/ my kids issue just proves that he hasn't accepted your kids really.

Why would you live with someone, even agree to it when this relationship is so fractured? Surely as you were dating before you lived together you must have picked up on their hostility. Problem is it effects your children too and they don't deserve that.

Assuming that your relationship is worth saving, i.e. that your DP is a nice, reasonable man who cares about you then what I would try is something along the lines of

"We need to have one set of rules for everyone. If (my child's name) is going to be pulled up for rudeness to (your kids names) then (your ten year old's name) has to be pulled up for rudeness to me. It doesn't work that x is allowed to be rude to family members and y isn't.

How do you suggest we go about this?"

(The awkward phrasing is because I think it's important that you don't phrase it as "my kids" and "your kids". There shouldn't be different expectations based on whose kids they are.)

As to "how have my kids affected you and yours" - well, that's clear, they've got your kid coming in and not saying hello to them. He doesn't get to say that his kids are just little and their behaviour has to be excused but yours have to be perfect.

I agree with LadyLuck10. It sounds soul destroying for everyone tbh.

He's treating your kids as second class, dont join him! You do right to challenge him on it. To fail to do so would send a terrible message to your kids about how much they matter. It's good that you are angry. You should be. This should be your line. Your children should not have to put up with this and neither should you. Its not fair and it's not right.

Give the steps a break! Most normal teenagers don't make eye contact. Your son is simply getting older and becoming like a normal teenager. They all go through a no eye contact grunting phase. However I certainly agree on no double standards.

Perhaps when his children come you and your children could be out. That would probably help a lot.

Oh yes, go out every other weekend, that will make your kids feel better

No YANBU OP. It sounds like such a difficult, stressful situation. It definitely needs addressing with your DP. Good luck

Or never get involved with a partner who has children. 60% of those relationships break down. It's hard enough with a husband and wife and their own children where one is stricter/nastier than the other but if it's someone else's children it's almost impossible.

Thank you. The situation feels so toxic sometimes I wonder if it's me. All I have ever wanted is to create a friendly bond with the kids and support his relationship with them. Just to say, I had a really good, positive relationship with my ex partner's son, loving and affectionate. I feel like these kids should be no different as they don't have a reason to hate me or treat me like this. And my dc have also been through a divorce, which my dp conveniently forgets. Mine was actually a very traumatic one, where's dp's was by mutual amicable convenience, which soon turned toxic, greed, etc. However my kids are full of love and accepted/loved my dp from the beginning bless them. Lucky dp, doesn't realised just how lucky he is.

Part of the reason your DCs are full of love is because of how you treat them and have taught them. Your DP's DCs are mirroring back what they've been taught and in a way that should act as a warning because living with someone who encourages and supports such attitudes will have a knock-on effect on your own DCs' attitudes to other people.
You can't make your DP realise how lucky he is. He seems to think he's entitled to be treated that way. It also means that at some level he thinks you (and your DCs) don't deserve the same love and respect that he does. It is a toxic situation. The question is do you feel you have the strength to do something about it?