To feel it's outdated thinking that as the wife I must remember birthdays

[Darkandstormynight]

Backstory as to not dripfeed. Dh and I have been married 14 years. Have a tolerable relationship with my inlaws. I have for the sake of dh's feelings put up with a lot from them over the years. My MIL is an alcoholic and family either walk on eggshells around her or bend over backwards to try to make her happy. My parents have been deceased for years.

Most years they will not call dc on their birthday, but when we see them once a year, will give gifts months in advance so dc has a gift on their birthday, which is nice. They do the same thing for dh and I. Rarely will they remember to call dh on his birthday and they Never call me on mine, nor send a card (no card for dh or ds either).

Dh is bad at remembering birthdays. I think my MIL holds it against him that before me met me, they never got a call, gift or card from him either. Over the years he's gotten better with me and doesn't need to be reminded. I don't want much, only to be remembered. I think my MIL deliberately doesn't call, or send a card as a way to 'get back' at my dh for all the years he didn't remember. Even now, when I send something, they know I sent it and I know my MIL wants DH to do it.

Every year on all holidays I send something, have dh sign it, send a card, and remind dh to call them. I shouldn't have to...but I try to be a good DIL and at least make the effort. This year I'm tired of making the effort. Another birthday has gone by (mine) and no call or card from them. After 14 years I'm sick of making the effort with them. I'd continue to send something and a card, but AIBU to stop reminding dh to call (we all talk on these calls). It is especially hurtful when they don't call or send dc a card. Can I just not remind dh anymore? I've done it to keep the peace, but I'm sick of them especially not reciprocating with dc and I'd like permission to just stop reminding dh. He has issues with them stemming from childhood (he was neglected time wise) and I think this is why he never remembers them. Sorry so long.

There is a book about this, think it is called wife work. Have a read/ google, is interesting!

There was a definite expectation from MIL and DH (though he was less open about it, due to fear!) that when I came on the scene I would suddenly take on the role of DH's social secretary. Along with my own mother expecting I'd do his laundry, being with me seemed like a sweet deal for him and an introduction to slavery for me. Anyhow, I made it very clear I would remember the birthdays of people related directly to me (by blood) only and I would never ever wash DH's clothes. And thus my reputation of being "very hard on DH" was born.

You are not his servant.

My Dh was 35 when I met him. I did not take on his family birthdays and he didn't take on mine. I add his name to cards and presents I buy for my family and he dies the same for his.
His are ALWAYS late. His family know that. It's not my fault or responsibility.

All significant dates (birthdays/anniversaries etc), are on the calendar in the kitchen.

The kids tend to remind us when someone's b'day is coming up nowadays tbh.

This will be the first year I won't be doing Christmas presents for my in-laws.

They're hard to buy for, give a list of expensive stuff (SiL wanted a diamond one year) and I find it, buy it and wrap it.

Having a year off this year. I want him to see just once how awkward it is

My brother thinks he sends me Christmas cards that his wife/SIL has written, we have not received them for 3 years, it hurts, but I keep sending them one because I refuse to be as petty as her. If it makes you feel better sending yours then do, but you stopping sending ours prob won't make them think to send you one

Curtains - why are you saying your SIL is petty? Surely it's up to your brother to send you cards, not your SIL? Why aren't you annoyed at him?

YANBU.

My husband is useless with birthdays and if I didn't do it, none of his family would get a card or present. He just doesn't care about his own birthday and can't understand that other people might - I have to tell him what I want for my own present and I've never had a card that I can remember (he's lovely in almost every other way though). He also doesn't believe in cards and thinks they're a waste of time and money. However his parents are lovely and always, always phone on my birthday and send a card with money/present, and would be very hurt if theirs weren't remembered, so I do it because I don't want them to feel bad. If they weren't so lovely I wouldn't bother.

I text his brother and sister on their birthdays and my SIL but don't do cards or presents for anyone other than my PIL. I send his family Christmas cards because again he wouldn't bother, and I like his family and they send us cards too. I certainly don't do anniversaries or anything like that. But it drives me batty, I'd love to stop the Christmas cards as I've also got a huge family of my own to send cards to, but I've been doing it for ten years and don't really think I can now.

This remind me of when DH aunt's daughter didn't get her a card or present. Apparently it was the son in laws fault rather than her daughters! Ridiculous - and I told MIL so. No doubt if DH ever forgets hers I'm to blame but I don't give a shit, she should have raised him to remember if it's that important to her.

I wouldn't be doing it on behalf of your DH bit I'm quite firmly a 'your family your sort it' kind of person (they have been very nasty to me over the years in my defence).

DH forgot his mum's birthday. It also happened to be her 50th. I was going through chemotherapy at the time, so I obviously had other things on my mind, but my mum blamed ME for forgetting. MIL, whose birthday it actually was, was incredibly understanding.

We remember the birthdays for our side of the family, and the other one signs the card. If that makes any sense.
But then, I married an adult. I'm also not very good at kowtowing to family pressure about what I ought to be like.

I'm sorry I'm not sure what poster said it, but his parents DO care about Their birthdays, anniversary, mothers & Father's Day!

In fact, when we were engaged the church we married in secretly had friends and family write supportive letters to the couple to be and then presented them to the couple a few days before the wedding. The one from MIL to dh was a scathing "you've turned out OK but you are a disappointment because you never remember us on our birthday or important days"!

Every year I hear about how many years they are together, what number anniversary it is, yet we've never received an anniversary card for Our anniversary. However, every conversation revolves around their lives, they really never ask about us or dc either. On the occasions dh does call, most times they will tell what a They are up to, and two minutes later cut dh off and get off the phone. They want to be called but don't want to talk!

I've told dh today we're doing the calendar thing and he'll get emails and he totally agrees! I'm so glad to wash my hands of this, it's absolutely liberating.

I used to try to be a good DiL. For years I was the one who remembered birthdays, anniversaries, bought presents, often spending far more than we did on each other or on our kids in a futile attempt to meet MiL's expectations. On Mother's Day, I was the one who remembered which was the Only Florist On The Planet from which MiL liked flowers and arranged a timely delivery of a expensive suitable bouquet.

Since ExH and I separated four years ago, I have continued to remember MiL's birthday and other special days. The Christmas after we separated, ExH and his OW gave MiL a wee brush for dusting ornaments. That didn't go down terribly well: (1) because it was in her eyes a cheap gift (2) because she took it to mean they thought she didn't dust properly (3) they didn't get round to sending it until well into the new year. Nowadays, ExH mostly forgets his mother's special occasions unless one of the kids reminds him; a day or two before, I might get a panicky e-mail from him saying, "Help! I don't know what to get my Mum for her birthday/Christmas/whatever." I react by saying, "Oh dear."

Earlier this year, one of my kids was going to visit Grandma, just before her birthday. I gave DC a parcel and card to pass on. ExH was there when I handed them over to DC. "Oh, can I just add my name to yours? I haven't arranged anything for my mum." He was quite put out when I said no.

Compromise in the Andrew household. DW remembers the birthdays, or rather she remembers late in every month to check the spreadsheet where she keeps them for the following month.

But I remember which year the rellies' numerous children were born so what sort of age we should be buying for!

YABU

I haven't had a card from FIL and step MIl for 3 years.
This year on my birthday I wrote a generic "thanks everyone for the birthdays wishes (on facebook) and cards etc"

I then got a PM from step MIl saying "we know that message is aimed at us but we don't get you a card because you don't send us one"

However, DH and the DSes get birthday cards (and presents).
It has obv never crossed their mind that DH might not have bothered to get them a card, they automatically assume it is my responsibility. I have massive meory problems and it takes me all my time to remember my own mums birthday, never mind anyone else

YANBU, just stop.

DH sorts his family (or not, sometimes!), and I sort mine.

Household admin is my role, but that doesn't extend to sending cards / presents to his family.

I do sometimes ask if he's remembered, but if he hasn't, then I won't step in.

DP and I got together nearly 28 years ago. From day 1, my position has always been that I'll remember to sort out my large family and he sorted out his own much smaller family.

I'm fairly sure that the lack of cards, etc, is thought to be my fault, but that's not my problem. The only exception was MIL, until she passed away, but then, she was the only one who actually bothered with us.

YANBU, I hate the fact that the women in a relationship is expected to be a walking calendar. In this house DH is responsible for his side and I am for mine when it comes to cards etc.

Men are perfectly capable of organising themselves to do cards, presents, etc. After all, they can organise themselves at work, sorting their work out, arranging trips away and so on.

It's simply that they can't be bothered with the cards, etc. And with today's technology there's no excuse for not getting it right.

I refuse to do wifework, and if anything happened to DP and I met someone new, I'd still refuse to do it.