hate my job but can't leave, aibu to feel stuck and utterly fed up?

[greygeese]

I'm lucky in some respects to have a job which is moderately well paid. But its shit. I have to go in early and work late (til 7pm tonight). There is no possibility of working from home, and flexible working is only permitted in exceptional circs, and on condition you reduce your hours to 80% or less. I'd like to compress my hours but apparently that won't be agreed as hr policy is only to pay a max of 32 hours over 4 days. I can't survive financially on 80%. So that's out.

I have tried to find another job. I'm a v senior lawyer in a very narrow (but in legal terms incredibly poorly paid) field. There are no jobs out there at my level or anywhere near. My current role is more training and development (in a legal setting) but there's nothing in that area either.

I am so sick of my job. I haven't always liked my work, but the good has outweighed the bad. At present I go in every day at 8 praying for it to be 5, 6 or whatever time I manage to escape. At weekends I feel crap, i can't enjoy myself because on Mon it's back to work.

I'd leave tomorrow but i have a huge mortgage to pay (and cant move because of schools and other reasons). I probably just have to suck it up don't i? :(

Op, you need to start thinking more positively- it doesn't take a year to sort out a spare room....

I earn 51k. I appreciate it's way above the norm. In law it's very much at the lower end for someone who's been working for nearly 20 years. And living near London, as a lone parent, with a big mortgage, it really doesn't go very far.

Hmmm could you rent out your room and you put up with the rubbish one?

I just think doing something proactive about it now will help you tolerate the work situation better.

The room isn't habitable, it needs plastering, joinery and plumbing works, hence the timescale.

I would feel a little uncomfortable having a lodger tbh even if I had a room to put them in as I am out from 6.30am til 7pm most days and my DC (when not at school) are here on their own.

greygeese - you say there is little option in moving jobs (not much out there), you can't really downsize etc. The only real choice is your attitude really (I mean this in the nicest way possible). If there is nothing you can do about it you now just need to readjust and think positively about your job. People come and go, who knows in 6months to 1yr it could be different again. You say you enjoy your field so you just need to reinvigorate your passion in it again.

I was in a job I hated, luckily I managed to move job but my motivation to work and do anything was just as bad. Its taken a while to get excited about the opportunities my new role provides me and it I had to basically force myself to be more positive about work no matter what and now I feel much better about going to work.

Your work is just a way to earn money that's all you need to remember so ignore the way other people may talk down to you because at the end of the day you are going home to your lovely house and kids.

I don't have any practical advice, but wanted to say that I have lots of compassion for you. I am an attorney and recently made the decision to stop practicing because I was so unhappy (although for different reasons than you.) I know what it's like to feel trapped. Best of luck making a decision about your future.

jobs.lawgazette.co.uk/

I used to work with ex lawyers who moved into teaching law at degree level.
It is tough to get a lectureship but very rewarding. You could contact look your local umiversity and ask them to inform when they have a vacancy for a tutor. A tutor takes the tutorial group rather than the lecture so is a good way to find out if thats for you. You need to commit atleast two hours weekly, mark essays and pay is crap but may open doors.

Alternatively, check university and council websites for in house lawyers.

Ex does work. His earnings are cleverly hidden from the taxman (another long story). I've never wanted any of his money, or to depend on him in any way financially. Hence why I've always worked ft since my DC were babies to support us.

I try to enjoy my job. But that's difficult - the office environment is toxic, and getting worse (there are at least 5 people I know of signed off with stress). It's not a happy place to work. The tasks I'm doing are often things like minuting meetings, which I hate. My skills are in reviewing work, identifying problem areas, and training out fixes, but none of that is a priority right now so it could be 6-12 months before I get back to it, if at all. The person I ultimately work for is on a fixed contract which has 18 months-2 years to run. When that expires it is quite possible my role may cease to exist anyway, and I'll be made redundant.

I'm not sure my field transfers well to academia. I know people who have done it, but they were criminal lawyers, which is more directly relevant. I don't think as things stand I could commit any time to an additional role, because of my current working hours. I'm barely managing as it is, and spend half the weekend asleep.

If you are going to be made redundant anyway and there are no jobs near you maybe it's worth looking at moving out of London to somewhere cheaper? If your children are going to lose their schools anyway in the near future why not do it now and look at Hampshire or anywhere out of London. There are other good schools in all parts of the country.

Look around and have a plan as in, do up the spare room so the house is saleable, look at the job market further afield, look into schools in a chosen area. If you have a timescale to work to its something positive to focus on and will take away the misery of your working environment, or at least divert your attention from it.

Basically you have to be proactive and make difficult choices. The misery you are experiencing is not good for you or the DC.

Find a rich man! (Joke) I feel for you its horrible when you hate your job, but it won't be forever & things change. It sounds like your stuck at the min, few more years paying your mortgage off you will have more options as you could extend it to bring payments down (or like others say kids will be older & you could get a lodger then or move to a flat or maybe even meet someone new)

I think there are a few things going on here, greygeese.

First the job you "hate". I sympathise: continuing in a job you hate is corrosive to the soul, similar to living somewhere you find awful. I remember going to work some mornings and looking at the street cleaners with envy, I disliked working in an office that much.

So, what to do?

You could walk out but you probably need to make a plan about it, because of your responsibilities to your children.

But try not to forget that children have to go with the flow and can be pretty resilient and I don't think you can put a complete break on your own happiness. Who wants a miserable mum who sleeps half the weekend anyway?

I cannot believe you have a spare room that you have not basically sorted out! It must show how worn-down you are. That could be a simple, positive project?

I agree with those who have said why not look at living elsewhere?

You can continue to apply for jobs that are only partially related to your field, or even completely different.

In the meantime, you could practice patience whilst you sort your plan; its true that nothing lasts for ever, but sometimes we have to give a push. Maybe give yourself a year, or two years, as you mention the end of your bosse's contract. Or less, if you really can't bear it.

Why don't you have a week off work sick (flu or something) and relax, you sound like you have had a lot of responsibility and truly deserve it. Potter around the house. Treat yourself out to lunch somewhere or a spa day, or do something else you find enjoyable. Make some simple plans for building works. Have a look at some jobs around. Get some careers advice from friends, or even a professional.

Good luck.

I do have a long term plan to move, in 5 years or so once the DCs education is complete and they are working/at uni. I really cant move in the meantime. Even if I was made redundant, I would have to try and find locum work (badly paid) and just get into debt until something else came along. Moving within the next 5 years is off the table.

As for the spare room, everything takes time, and working the hours I do it's impossible. I'm never at home to get quotes from builders, or even contact them to come round. And I can't afford the work right now without getting into debt anyway. There's just not enough hours in the day.

I'd love to take time off. Unfortunately I have no holiday left this year, and I can't go sick because I have already had 2 periods of illness in the last 12 months (one day with d&v, another with migraine/stress headache) a third triggers disciplinary procedures :( .

I do actually have a bf who is fairly well off. But that's his money not mine. We do plan to live together but not for 5-10 years, and would probably still keep our own houses (and rent them out). Retaining my own financial independence is really important to us both.

why would you allow your ex to get away with not paying for the kids, you are struggling through life.
I took mine to court years ago for the paltry sum of £16 per week, he did every trick under the sun to get out of it.
Surely with a legal background you can stop being a marytr and persue it.

I dont mean to sound harsh but why should you live like this?

Does your boyfriend realise how important this is to you & how it's affecting you? I appreciate you want to stay financially independant but I could never see someone I love in your situation if it were possible for me help them out in any way I would. Even a loan to help you retrain which you could pay back or something.

I'm very much afraid that yes, what it boils down to is that you do have to suck it up. The only comfort is that many many thousands of us are in the same boat - but on a lot less money. Try to find pleasure and solace in small everyday things.

I'd set up my own firm if I was in your shoes. It's the only way that you can pick your own hours. Looks like you have the knowledge and can train staff. May be worth looking into.

I'm in a similar boat OP. I work long hours in a job that pays well. I spend my working day being horrifically bullied by by a senior lawyer. HR know and would support me through a grievance. However, they'll never sack him and I can't move out with his sphere of influence. So even if I was successful with a grievance the resolution would be to pay me off. Trouble is I wouldn't get another role in my specialism that paid as well, and like you I have financial constraints. So.... Sucking it up and trying to not bring it home with me, is about it. You're not alone and I do understand.

TWo thoughts:

One, your DC are only in school for a few more years, and it will fly by, so sucking it up, giving it as little of your headspace as you can on your evenings and weekends, and focussing instead on enjoying life OUTSIDE of work is one approach which might get you through.

On the otehr hand, boxing yourself into a corner career-wise where you are very specialised and depend on a certain pay grade is a mistake I've made, and that job went away. I am currently trying to work out how to adapt/retrain/whatever I need to to find myself work that I a) enjoy and b) can live off. If you think your job might end in two years time anyway I think you really need to be looking at an exit plan regardless - and you might find it easier to tweak your skills and the main thrust of your work while you're in work rather than out of work.

Good luck. I empathise.

From your posts I do note a sense of 'no, that won't work' on each option people proffer or that you've considered.

I can relate that sometimes we find ourselves in situations where we feel hemmed, almost chained in - but that's not the case.

Whether it be dealing with ex & mortgage, spare room or job the changes don't have to be big, just focus on one small thing & work at that. You'll get a sense of achievement & maybe it'll help you tackle the next small thing. And so on till one day you think, right - I'm going to bite the bullet and deal with this.

The results of change for me have in short term been really hard, but long term so so worth it.

£51k for solicitor with 20 years experience seems very low tbh, if I were you - start with work. Go home at 6pm three nights a week. No excuses, no worrying just walk. Do it for a week and see how you feel. Yep, yep... I know. The comments, the calls, the workload, the missed deadlines - but try it. A boss may ask what's up & there's a chance to talk practically.

Good luck xxxx