to not like her texting another woman

[Sillyjelly]

I have been in a relationship for roughly 4 months with someone from an online dating site, at the beginning we were each messaging other people as well as each other. She met and slept with one other person (and initially denied it), I never met up IRL with anyone and since we made it official neither of us has been in contact with a view to meeting.

However she is in fairly regular text contact with one other person from the site, they have never met up but I know she fancies her, and suspect they would meet if the other woman was less shy. When they first met she did not mention me to her, and only mentioned me after we became official and went on holiday together

Am I being unreasonable in not liking her texting this woman? I feel as they are not real life friends it should be easy. She knows it makes me a little uncomfortable but I'm loathe to ask her to stop as I believe I may be paranoid due to infidelity in past relationships, and I really don't want to bring that baggage into a new (and I think promising) relationship.

To clarify the woman she is texting is not the woman she slept with.

I would feel uncomfortable too. What sort of things are they texting?

What about telling her that it makes you feel uncomfortable because it leaves you feeling like you don't know where you stand and ask her her feelings about this woman. If she prefers her but is with you, that's unfair to you, you shouldn't be anyone's second choice.

Or, it may be that it is a friendship and nothing more and if you talk it through, you may feel reassured.

But whatever it is, if you don't discuss it, you'll just feel bad.

You need to discuss it with her OP. Texting someone she fancies and met on a dating site, looks to me to be keeping her options open.

They just text silly photos, talk about their day etc. the same sort of messages we send each other.

It's irrational but it makes me feel I'm being compared with this woman, she's funny and I worry my own texts can't take the competition! Absurd I know, particularly as we're together so often, bloody texting shouldn't bother me!

I might bring it up, but can't imagine someone admitting to preferring someone else? Surely she'd just say it's friendship and I'm being silly. I don't want to tell her to stop, I want her to just not want to do it!

Are you two together IRL? If so YANBU. If not YABU.

I would cut my losses here.

All this aggro in only 4 months?

We are together IRL, we just arranged our first date online back in April (didn't make it exclusive for a few months). Since then we probably stay with each other 3/4 times a week. It was never a "virtual" relationship or anything like that.

It's not huge aggro is it? Just some texting that I don't like

I can understand how you feel. 4 months in you should be all loved up. Not one of you flirting with another whilst the other feels insecure.

If they had met up she may be in a relationship with her not you.

She may be keeping her on a back burner. It has only been 4 months if you don't work out her next person is lined up.

She also conveniently didn't mention you when she started chatting to this other woman.

You are going to become the normal couple and this other woman is going to retain fantasy excitement level.

Bottom line is she knows how you feel. She does it anyway because her wanting this is greater than her caring about your feelings. Not so good.

Perhaps you need to find someone who you are special enough for?

I have zero tolerance for this kind of thing, op. I might be alone in that though.

She's just not that into you. Sorry, OP. I've done the whole Gaydar thing (or whatever the site is) and although IME there are lots of ambiguous gay friendships with a bit of sexual tension but that are still basically just friends, I think you should trust your gut instinct here. I met some really good friends via online dating but texting each other every day, about little everyday things? That's not just friends.

Hmm

Thank you everyone for your perspectives. I had started this thread to help decide whether to ask her to stop it, rather than to decide whether to end it with her.

I don't want to end it but I will talk to her with the above points in mind, particularly those about her perhaps keeping options open or not being that into me. Hard to hear but appreciated.

Yeah she's keeping her options open.

She may be keeping her on a back burner. It has only been 4 months if you don't work out her next person is lined up.

It sounds like this to me as well, but that she's waiting to see if the person she's texting will agree to meet her and take things further before she makes any decisions.