To torture these cold callers with Britney Spears tunes?

[kirsten123]

We keep getting these annoying calls where someone tells us there's a virus on our computer and to type certain things into it and then tell them what it says on the screen. So far I've played along then "placed them on hold" and played them Britney Spears songs from youtube (they hang up!). What else can I do to annoy them? Blow a whistle down the phone really loudly? Tell them the screen says "fuck off to the far side of fuck and then fuck off some more".

Suggestions welcome!

Aww man, I don't want to be a killjoy here, but when I was made redundant from a previous job I had no choice but to work in a call centre for a while. I was pregnant and I had people blowing whistles down the phone (which is SO painful), telling me they wished I'd get raped and murdered, swore at, shouted at, threatened, you name it. I was just trying to support my family. Don't get me wrong, some callers are total dicks, but that could be said for any job. Just remember there's a human being on the end of the phone!
On a more practical note, most calls are done on an automated dialler system where they choose from a list of outcomes which will dictate what happens in future. For instance, if someone put their child on the phone or told the caller to fuck off it'd just go down as 'Right party hung up' and go back into the dialler system to be called again. Generally you have to specifically ask them not to call again, or just say it's the wrong number.

Hey, I'm never rude to call centre people. Only fraudsters who are trying to take control of my computer/give it a virus/steal my bank details!

Oh if they're trying to steal from you whistle away!

I hate it when I get a sales call and the sales person asks "how are you today" not because they care about me, but because someone has written it into some script they are reading from. I used to reply "I am suicidal, is this the Samaritans calling back", but then I decided that was a bit immature, so now I just cut the call.

Thanks Bean!

I usually say (1) I don't have a computer or (2) DS builds computers so my computer is absolutely fine. One of these days I'm going to ask should I open windows, ask them to hold on, then talk to them for a bit and ask can I close the windows now because it's getting cold in here. Apparently they hang up quickly if you say ask them to hold for a minute and then quietly say, as if to someone beside you, trace this call please.

Woof in reply to their questions.

Yep, I wouldn't give call centre people any hassle.

It's the fucking fraudsters who I would actually blow a whistle down the phone to. Perforate their motherfucking eardrums.

(I don't have a landline, lucky for them)

I like the woofing idea! I tried practising my miaowing there and gave the cat a fright!

How about the "eh eh eh eeeeh" like in Little Britain?

LionsTeeth Go straight to number 2, if you like...

This thread is giving me great ideas
I decided once that I was only going to answer cold caller's questions with some quotes/expressions from 24. But I only got to say "scramble the chopper" & then burst into hysterics & had to hang up like a juvenile 10 year old
I must try that again.

Up

Is anyone else really looking forward to their next cold call...?

Sadly the "we are calling you from Microsoft about your computer"calls always arrive when I'm already running late for work so I've never had the chance to be talked through what is wrong with it.

I did say once , you are not from Microsoft, you are a fraudster and hung up and he called me back saying how dare I hang up!

Reading these to dh, we are in tears of laughter....

With the Microsoft scammers, talk extremely quietly so that they have to turn the volume up to hear you before you blow the whistle down the phone.

I tended to string the Microsoft scammers along for as long as possible. They stop phoning after a while because they get pissed off with you doing it.

Brilliant one, Norma, thanks!!

:-D at butterflies!

I jabber away in my best African French. If my husband gets the call he does the same in Malinke. They soon buzz off.

Love the idea of barking down the phone! Or you could alternate various farmyard noises (moo, oink etc)
Do these scammers ever score a hit? You'd think that nowadays everyone knows about them.

We get calls

'I look after all the computers'
Me... ! All of them??

You could always ask them why they have called your hotline at work - and that you are too busy on a murder case at the moment to answer any of their questions...

I've never had one of these calls.

I love the suggestion f being quiet so they put the volume up then getting out the whistle!

My all time favourite for any type of cold calling is to whisper "Ssh! I'm just a burglar, but don't tell anyone!" Works a treat!