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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Probably dealt with this wrong huh

31 replies

Celestria · 23/10/2014 20:22

My younger two, both boys, were watching a dvd in their sisters bedroom. Not a regular occurrence but as it's the holidays I don't mind. However within twenty minutes they were both yelling and shrieking and running about the floor. So I went up and warned them to settle down or the dvd would be off and straight to bed.

For about ten minutes they did then it started up again. So I went in and turned off the dvd. Told them to go through to their beds. My six year old boy got upset but I followed it through. I told him to take his bed time teddy with him.

He shouted no at me, so I said fine, I will throw him away then. He said fine throw him away then and slammed his door. So I threw it out the window (just into the back garden) all very calm, no shouting. Tucked them both into bed and said good night.

My six year old then pulled an almighty tantrum. Screaming and banging and yelling that he hated me. I let him scream himself out. Then went in and calmly spoke to him about it all. He apologised and I retrieved his teddy, gave him a cuddle and kiss good night.

I'm now downstairs feeling like a monster. Hearing him so upset was really horrible and also to hear him shouting he hates me. I know he doesn't mean it, but I felt like I needed to show I meant business as my two boys really don't listen, though the younger tends to follow his lead.

It's hard this parenting lark. Especially as a lone parent. What would you have done? Wibu?

OP posts:

CatKisser · 23/10/2014 20:25

I get the following through on your threat, fair enough, but why did throwing teddy out have to enter the equation? If he didn't want to take it why couldn't it just have been left where it was lying? Throwing it out the window was an odd decision!

PHANTOMnamechanger · 23/10/2014 20:28

I think you did just fine. They have to learn about warnings & consequences. They also need to learn about apologising and making up/being forgiven. Don't dwell on it, because IF your child remembers yelling "I hate you" and the teddy being thrown away, don't forget he will also remember that he was forgiven when he calmed down and apologised, kissed and cuddled and is still loved.

LadyLuck10 · 23/10/2014 20:29

At 6 years old slammed his door. I would have given him a proper scolding for that brattiness.
You are not a monster, he needs to learn that you are the parent and he has to listen to you. I wouldn't have thrown the teddy though.

NormHonal · 23/10/2014 20:30

OP, don't be too hard on yourself. When they are pressing all your buttons like that it's hard to lose your rag and then you find yourself saying this stupid stuff because their toys are what they seem to care about most. And then yes, the rules of parenting dictate that you follow through.

It happened. Put it behind you. We all have moments like these. I'm sure I've threatened similar but haven't been called on it. Yet.

Original poster

Celestria · 23/10/2014 20:30

Because I had said I would throw it away. And he said to throw it away. So I did. There was no bin in the room.

I sound about five don't i. I was just determined to follow it all through instead of giving in like I end up doing. He is by no means a bad boy, but as I was tucking him into bed some money slid out from his pillow. Money he had taken out of my purse. He's done it before and I've told him not to take money etc. it's just another example of him not listening to me. I love him to bits, he was my first boy after two girls and I adored him from the moment I held him. I was also a hell of a lot softer with him than I was with the girls and now he is older, the old rod for own back springs to mind.

OP posts:

Original poster

Celestria · 23/10/2014 20:35

I did explain that it didn't mean I didn't love him but that he does need to do what I ask, especially after he had already been warned. I also explained that he wouldn't behave like that in school and it's not acceptable at home either.

I do know my parenting isn't up to scratch just now. I've just moved home to a place that needs a lot of work, have the 4dc, two kittens and a puppy because I'm a head case. I do just want to do my best by the kids and hate falling out with any of them.

OP posts:

NormHonal · 23/10/2014 20:38

You didn't "fall out", you are their parent, not their friend. Tough sometimes. My DS pushes and pushes and pushes boundaries so much more than my CD ever did/does.

Chalk it up to experience, have a if you can, and tomorrow is another day.

CeliaFate · 23/10/2014 20:42

When he said "no" to taking his teddy, you should have just ignored him and left the teddy where it was, but you were frazzled by then so just made a wrong call. We've all done it and hindsight is a wonderful thing.
Don't beat yourself up over it and I don't think there's anything wrong with saying sorry you threw his teddy out, but you were cross that he ignored you and was rude so you lost your temper.

Being a parent is hard enough with two parents, don't give yourself a hard time. He'll have forgotten it by morning.

arethereanyleftatall · 23/10/2014 20:45

I think you did pretty good!! Following through on threats is number one rule of parenting in my book. Follow through once, and you shouldn't have to do it again. Hopefully!

AskYourselfWhy · 23/10/2014 20:46

Can you work out a more standard punishment. My DCs all loved the computer so I would punish them by removing their computer time. They would loose a days quota if they were naughty and up to a week if they continued to play up. I was always consistent. I almost never had to esculate the punishment for more than a day.

Occasionally, I would allow them to earn back their computer privileges with chores

You need to work out what motivates your child.

ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties · 23/10/2014 20:52

Yeah...best not to go there in terms of throwing shit out the window!

LynetteScavo · 23/10/2014 20:52

Yes, this parenting lark it tough.

I love it when I come across a parent who messes it up more than me; I would never throw a teddy out of a window!!! How cruel are you????

I would have just shouted. But I wouldn't have thrown the teddy out of the window, because I know my DC would have gone out of the window after it.

He won't have forgotten it by the morning, this will be thrown back at you for years to come, even when you are the best granny ever-

RabbitSaysWoof · 23/10/2014 20:52

I was just determined to follow it all through instead of giving in like I end up doing
I think that's your real problem if he doesn't take you seriously because of this.
I think you need to think before you make a threat whether you would be willing to carry it out, the threat of a smaller consequence that a child believes because you back up what you say is more effective than saying you will do something that you obviously wont.

DiaDuit · 23/10/2014 20:53

Oh OP! Dont beat yorself up. My eldest became a nightmare around 6 and i made some ridiculous threats that i had to follow through with. It got quite horrible in the house for a while as we were all so stressed. What worked for me was deep breaths before approaching the child/situation, talking down at his level in a low calm tone, trying to point out the positive consequences of good behaviour rather than negative consequences for bad behaviour and also do a mental checklist over whether he could tired, hungry (was a big trigger for us) sick or emotional about anything.

blanketyblank100 · 23/10/2014 20:54

I think you probably could have dealt with it differently. The 'fine I'll throw your teddy away' didn't come across to me as calm, in-control parental authority. I'm sure you didn't mean it as aggressive or argumentative but I could understand your son receiving it that way. At the end of the day, he should know what the sanctions are going to be beforehand - thinking up a punishment off the top of your head (especially throwing away something that means a lot to him) is only going to cause resentment. His response - 'fine...' was predictable. All due respect but yes, you walked into that one! When he slammed the door, that was the moment for a warning that you would follow through on a sanction that he already knows about and - in some corner of his mind - has accepted as legitimate. He probably knew that throwing the teddy away was an empty threat. You backed yourself into a corner and ended up sort-of following it through, but he probably knew it was always going to come back again. As parents, I think we have to use our authority in ways that don't come across as capricious. It's cool that you were calm, though.

blanketyblank100 · 23/10/2014 20:55

Oh...and actually throwing away the teddy would have been really mean!

HighwayDragon · 23/10/2014 21:01

oh my god, you monster! Have you not seen toy story?!

OldLadyKnowsSomething · 23/10/2014 21:02

ClapHands, was that you with the XBox a while ago?

OP, you're human. So's your ds. Shit happens, don't beat yourself up about it.

Sunbury1986 · 23/10/2014 21:12

Seriously, my now older teenage DS was absolutey the cutest charmingest kid ever.......but a total utter nightmare at home. All I'll say is he did the naughty step, the "bad boy is in the box mummy and the good boy loves you" he wouldn't eat , he wouldn't learn. I despaired. I cried. Hes now a fab teenager who is so remorseful an genuinely says what was I doing? What he tells me is he liked routine....so school hols mucked that right up. He also liked being busy...as in routine. So I learned that having a holiday timetable really helped. Also planning what they eat, based on a budget and practicality helps. Perhaps he can learn to boil an egg? Under supervision, make toast etc. I genuinely think you sound fab xx

ithoughtofitfirst · 23/10/2014 21:40

I have moments i'm not proud of.

I had one today actually. Ds was bored and tired while i was trying to sort the dishes from last night that my stupid husband didn't do out and make lunch for 3 and he ds kept putting his trike right behind where i was standing so that when i turned around i would nearly trip on it. I'm also 40 + 5 weeks pregnant and tired and hormonal. The 3rd time it happened i actually shouted out FOR FUCK SAKE and then the 4th time i picked it up and threw it out the front door in the rain. The look on his face. I felt like monster. He then let me look for his comfort pillow for an hour before nap time until i gave up and said you'll have to go to bed without it and then he announced 'hid it in da draaaaawer', retrieved it from one of the drawers in our bedrooom then toddled off to his bed. I just closed his bedroom door behind him, sat on the sofa... aaaaand burst into tears.

CocktailQueen · 23/10/2014 21:45

Your six-year-old stole money from your purse? And has done so before? That's really bad! That's just not listening. By that age, they should know right from wrong.

Hmm, might be time to be firmer with him!

Velvetbee · 23/10/2014 21:47

My mum once put my favourite toys in the bin for not tidying my room. I will never forget and it didn't make me any tidier.
You threatened that the DVD would go off if they misbehaved and you followed through, I'd have ignored the fuss afterwards and said something like 'I know, you hate me, I'm the wickedest mum in the world, now BED!'

thursday · 23/10/2014 21:55

I wouldn't dwell on it. No, it wasn't great but you're not the only one who's talked themself into a corner when angry and then had to carry it out (albeit temporarily). he'll not hold a grudge. you want to find something that gets through to them, they pretend they don't care about anything (because they know you wouldn't really take away their prized possession) and in the bin (or out the window ;) ) it goes. then out again. which doesn't help them take us seriously next time.

ChillingGrinBloodLover · 23/10/2014 22:14

I don't understand why you threatened to throw his teddy away because he didn't take it with him? Why did it matter if he just left if there or if you picked it up and took it with you? He's small, he was upset & angry because you (rightly) turned off the DVD, you are the adult, it's your responsibility not to wind the situation up further by saying things like that, that help no-one.

Yes, following through is important, but it's also important to think about what you threaten and when/why. Threatening to turn the DVD off if they didn't settle down - and following through with it - All good :) Threatening to throw toys out of the window... not so much.

Have a , it's a whole new day tomorrow :)

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 23/10/2014 22:20

Ywbu

I have done worse though- threw a barbie out of moving car window. Never to be seen again even though I went back and looked for it.

You need to forgive yourself, then PLAN future sanctions, as suggested above. Communicate sanctions to DC and do not deviate or escalate by adding in extras through frustration. Consistency is key.

After tonight, at least you know you CAN do the following through thing, you just need to harness that and direct it properly, and ultimately more effectively. Consistent age appropriate sanctions. And keep with it.

As it sounds like it'll be a change from your usual approach there will likely be a settling in phase. Once the DC are confident in your consistency, the sanctions will be more effective and help keep the household calm and everyone feeling secure.

Good luck and be thankful teddy was retrievable, car window scenario of mine ended more disastrously so, you're not the worst toy throwing parent in the world.

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