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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to sellotape the mouths of these people?!

19 replies

Sarahhharries009 · 23/10/2014 14:40

To cut a long story short, I am being retreated for breast cancer after recurring for the 2nd time. Mercifully I haven't lost my hair. I am in my late twenties and due to be getting married in late Dec.

I don't go around publicising my illness but people are aware of it. I am getting sick to the back teeth of people pretending like it isn't happening (I am not referring to close friends and family, they are amazing, so this shouldn't bother me). I am sick of people going on and on and on about their weekends/lives/shopping/dinner whenever I ask them how they are, especially when I respond with "fine" when they ask me first. I am not fine. AIBU to be dwelling on what to say to ppl when they have been talking at me for about 10 minutes without asking how things are with my life threatening disease? And when they ask what I did at the weekend!!! Driving me insane.

OP posts:

MrsDermotOLeary · 23/10/2014 14:43

Sorry you are having to deal with breast cancer, it must be awful.

But why do you say 'fine' when they ask how you are, instead of telling them the truth?

Troublesometrucker · 23/10/2014 14:46

Trouble is, it's just not something anyone knows how to handle. Serious illness, grief, tragedy etc

They're probably walking away thinking "oh god, I just don't know what to say to her, I didn't want to upset her" thinking you have enough problems already without them bringing them up iyswim

wooooosualsuspect · 23/10/2014 14:47

Maybe they think that talking about every day things is helpful. They probably don't think you want to talk about your illness all the time.

weebarra · 23/10/2014 14:48

It is hard, I've been there. My problem was that I appeared to be coping so well, that people assumed I was. I think I preferred just getting on with it as it was easier on my DCs too.
However, I'm post treatment now (chemo, bmx, rads) apart from an oophrectomy next month, and people assume I'm back to normal again, which of course I'm not!
Hope your treatment is going well.

Original poster

Sarahhharries009 · 23/10/2014 14:48

I don't know, usually just slips out but usually before i can draw breath these people just launch into their long speeches. I seem to find it is quite a common personality trait of people. I don't know if i just didn't notice it before my diagnosis but i certainly do now. At the very least, telling the truth (that i have been throwing up all day and night) is not usually what people want to hear.

OP posts:

Booboostoo · 23/10/2014 14:49

I am very sorry you have to go through all this.

It's understandable that you feel sensitive but YABa littleU. People are probably taking their cues from you so if you don't mention the cancer treatment they think they should avoid it too. Maybe they are trying to show that they don't think that all there is to the discussion is talking about the cancer.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 23/10/2014 14:53

Agree, some people really don't know how to respond to someone with a really horrible illness. If you answer with "I'm fine" when asked, the person speaking to you probably thinks "Oh, thank goodness. Let's get the conversation onto a neutral track".

If you were to say to a close friend that you are actually not fine, they would more than likely scoop you up in their arms and listen to what you want to say and hear how you really feel.

It is sometimes difficult for other people to know how to cope too. They often don't know what to say or how to react. Some people just feel awkward, they don't mean to.

m0therofdragons · 23/10/2014 14:54

Tell them the truth. They may think you'd rather not talk about it. Everyone deals with things differently. My feelings are clear for all as I just don't have a poker face. It's hard to know whether to say anything. If you've answered fine, they probably guess you're not fine but that you don't want to go there. If you're not a close friend it is hard to know the etiquette. Please don't take it to heart. They still want to talk to you and are trying to be there for you just maybe not in the way you need. If I was one of these friends I would feel really touched if you could open up and tell me what you need from me.
I'm not saying you're wrong to feel how you do, more that we are rubbish at dealing with cancer. How are you op? Xx

missorinoco · 23/10/2014 15:03

I can see how it would be irritating. I would second that they may not want to pry, and if you say fine, even if they think you aren't they may presume you don't want to talk about it with them.

Some people dp just monologue though, and it sounds like your tolerance for this has, not unreasonably, dropped.

I would imagine you are now more sensitive to w

BarbarianMum · 23/10/2014 15:04

It can really be hard to tell if someone is telling you that they are 'fine' because they don't want to talk about it, or 'fine' because at that time they are fine, or if they are saying 'fine' because well, that's what you do, but actually they'd really like to be pressed a bit more. Especially because a person might use all three on different times and days and places. This is doubly true if you are not a close friend. And yes people can be embarrassed and not know what to say, or say to much.

But you don't have to say you are fine if you are not. And the feeling that everybody else's life is going on as normal whilst yours in torn apart is hugely difficult to deal with in any case.

TiggerLillies · 23/10/2014 15:06

Maybe you could visualise the conversation before hand, and how you would like it to proceed? People will definitely be taking their cue from you as a poster above said and if you replied 'fine' they will be assuming that you want to stick with the small talk.

Pootles2010 · 23/10/2014 15:07

People take their cues from you - to me, if you said 'fine' I'd take that to mean 'don't want to talk about it'. Please don't feel you have to put a stiff upper lip on - if you want to talk, then talk.

I'm sorry to hear you're having to go through this.

CrohnicallyAnxious · 23/10/2014 15:08

I'm probably not the best judge of social situations (suspected AS). But if I were to ask you how you were and you said 'fine' I'd assume that meant you didn't want to talk about it, and then I'd try and distract you/make you feel 'normal' by talking about normal every day things. In fact, I'm sure I read an AIBU that said 'AIBU to not want to talk about my illness all the time?' and went on to say they hated it when people insisted on asking about their illness even when they insisted they were 'fine'.

Try saying 'actually, I'm not doing too well' and see what happens.

CMOTDibbler · 23/10/2014 15:24

Thing is, people desperately want things to be fine. They will look for the tiniest hint that they don't have to talk about this big, scary, awful thing.

If you want to talk about it, say 'The vomiting is doing my head in, but hey' or 'not so good atm I'm afraid' - that opens the conversation and stops them madly talking about positive stuff.

MehsMum · 23/10/2014 15:31

Sometimes people ask someone they know to be ill how they are in a vague sort of way, in case the person they asking just doesn't want to talk about it. Then when they're told 'fine', they don't want to press it, lest they seem ghoulish or unfeeling. I'd have to know someone pretty well before I said, 'Really fine, or just fine considering everything?'

Unfortunately, this does rather lay the burden back on you.

ADishBestEatenCold · 23/10/2014 15:37

"I don't know, usually just slips out but usually before i can draw breath these people just launch into their long speeches"

That just it though, Sarah. When they ask how you are, and you quickly say 'fine', a lot of people will think

'Oh god, I've put my foot in it. Dear Sarah has probably had her fill of people talking about her illness. That'll be why she said "Fine" like that. Everybody probably asks and now I've asked too. Ohh, what'll I say to take her mind off that'

and so they start to babble about all the things they've been doing. In an ideal world, people would be able to read between the lines and reach the right conclusions, not the wrong ones, but it's not always that easy.

Maybe if you tried to give a more honest reply (and I think that's something we should all try to do) then you would get a more useful reaction. It won't be easy to do, but it doesn't have to be huge changes. When people ask how you are, start by trying to answer with a short phrase. 'Not so great today', or whatever.

I think there will be many more people than you think, who would want to give you a caring response, if you can allow them to see that it's okay to do that.

I'm so sorry your cancer has recurred, Sarah, and I'm sorry for all the things you have got to face in order to deal with that. (I'm not sorry about your wonderful forthcoming December wedding, though!!! )

MissBlennerhasset · 23/10/2014 16:18

If we were friends and you said 'fine', I'd take you at your word.

Mind you, a lot of people don't really know what to say when faced with an illness like cancer, so they might be glad you don't want to talk about it.

PiperIsOrange · 23/10/2014 17:05

I really wouldn't know what to say.

I don't want to say something that would upset you, if you said fine to me I would take it as a cue that you didn't want to share your feelings at that specific time.

Hope you get well soon

MexicanSpringtime · 23/10/2014 17:11

I would say that is what is happening with most people. I've been fortunate enough not to know what it feels like, but, like most people, imagine that some sick people just wouldn't want that to be the only topic of conversation.

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