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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grown up triplets

25 replies

tadpole123 · 22/10/2014 21:55

My Adult children still live at home. 2 are working nd earning decent money. 1 is unemployed and struggling with an addiction to cannabis. He is causing a lot of problems withhin the family. One of them is refusing to pay board money because the other one is not paying anything and has stolen some money off him to buy cannabis with. Is it unreasonable to insist that the 2 who can pay board do pay. We do tell the other 2 that we are doing what we can to get the other one to kick the habit and if they needed help we would be there for them. We do not have much money in the house and this is causing a real problem

OP posts:

kinkyfuckery · 22/10/2014 22:00

Those who can pay, should.

If one of them thinks they have had something stolen from them, they should contact the police.

If they are unhappy paying board and living by your rules, they should find somewhere else to stay.

Leeds2 · 22/10/2014 22:05

I think I would be suggesting that they all found their own home. Especially those that were refusing to pay, or not paying, rent.

lornemalvo · 22/10/2014 22:08

They should call the police? What?

The two with jobs should pay and have some sympathy for their brother.

Fairenuff · 22/10/2014 22:10

They should all be paying rent. How old are they?

Purplepoodle · 22/10/2014 22:16

If they work they pay board but perhaps allow a lock on the working brothers bedroom to stop their ill brother being tempted. You need to set out a time frame for your addicted son and set clear boundaries, it's sad but you need to be fair to all your children.

Purplepoodle · 22/10/2014 22:17

If he isn't working he needs to be earning his keep around the house

Waltermittythesequel · 22/10/2014 22:31

Does he get benefits at all?

If he can afford drugs he can afford a contribution.. However, it's not for the others to decide that!

Across the board: if you want to live here, you contribute. End of.

Rollontomine · 22/10/2014 22:48

I'd kick them all out, they're adults, they need to be taking care of themselves. Especially the unemployed stoner. Cannibas is addictive in the way chocolate is, hard to resist if that's your thing and sitting on your arse doing nothing all day. It's not heroin, all the stoner needs is a kick up the backside and a job. That's not going to happen while you're facilitating the laze lifestyle which fuels their habit.

My ex was a stoner, many of my old friends were/still are stoners. It's a lifestyle choice, they can give up when they need to; for drug testing, jobs, change of mind. No rehab has ever been required. Just a good reason to give up.

Send all these adults into the world and let them grow up while they're still capable of adapting, they need to do that before their brains fully form and they stay forever in the child zone.

greenfolder · 22/10/2014 22:56

How is board calculated? I was unemployed in my youth and paid a third of my benefits whilst my brother paid third of his pay

ElephantsNeverForgive · 22/10/2014 22:58

Some very stupid responses here.

I'm assuming the two DCs who have jobs and pay/payed rent, couldn't afford to move out. (It's not as easy as the posters above think. Not everyone lives in a city with cheap house shares in every newsagents window).

Therefore your home is there home and it's the waste of space druggy who gets thrown out.

No reason at all why siblings should support him. If you choose to let him stay you make sure not one 1/2 penny of his siblings money goes on his bills.

He's not ill, no one needs to say yes to drugs ever!

helenenemo · 22/10/2014 23:03

Ignore the poster above saying "It's not heroin". Clueless.

I can see the point of the rest of the triplets. Maybe they all contribute the same percentage?
Say JCP is £200 month, he contributes £40 (20%)
1 earns £1000 a month, £200
1 earns £2000, £400

RudePepper · 22/10/2014 23:07

I think you should be asking for views from people who know about cannabis addiction, rather than a bunch of mumsnetters.

greenfolder · 22/10/2014 23:09

Or calculate exactly what the running costs are incl food and ask for a fifth

BasketzatDawn · 22/10/2014 23:09

Is it really fair to charge on a proportional basis? That's not how it would work outside the a parental home either. Though I agree they should pay esp the ones with jobs. 'Good' jobs at that. It must be frustrating - and worrying - for you, OP.

missymayhemsmum · 22/10/2014 23:11

What do they suggest? Presumably they understand that all three living at home fully supported by you is not an option?

BasketzatDawn · 22/10/2014 23:20

Perhaps you could go on strike - i.e. no laundry service, no meals. Assuming you do this for them. Treat the non-payers like toddlers - if anyone leaves their stuff lying around, stick it in a toy box with their name on.

WooWooOwl · 22/10/2014 23:43

I agree with Purplepoodle that if he isn't paying, he needs to be earning his keep around the house.

Plenty of young men that smoke too much cannabis are perfectly capable of obtaining and holding down a job. Don't make excuses for the one that's unemployed, and encourage the other two to be a bit more considerate of the position you are in.

PeachyParisian · 23/10/2014 00:46

You need to have one rule for all. I would be very unwilling to contribute more than a sibling. Especially if I felt one was getting special treatment/allowances were made for them.

paxtecum · 23/10/2014 05:47

OP: It must be very difficult watching your two workings DCs have a high disposable income, whilst you are struggling to pay the bills.

Everytime they have a shower, flush the toilet, turn a light on they are being parasites. Sorry, that is harsh, but they obviously don't understand that. They are too busy berating the dope smoker as being a loser.

Work out the total costs of running the house, including insurances and divide it between the number of wage earners. Though that doesn't allow for replacing broken appliances. The dope smoker needs to get himself out of bed and work round the house, look for a job and cook meals for you all.

You need BIG changes in your household, though implementing them will no doubt cause great resentment by all three DCs.
But you are suffering because they are all being selfish and entitled.

Good luck with it.

nooka · 23/10/2014 06:09

OP are your children still quite young (late teens/early twenties maybe)? It sounds like a very childish attitude where you and your dh are effectively being punished for their brother's poor choices. I think that paxtecum's suggestion of going over household bills/chores with all three of them is a good idea.

immaturestudent · 23/10/2014 15:55

kinky said it best. OP is willing to support them all, which is o.k, her decision and she is in the best to place judge the situation although more rules, and everyone should pulling their weight may help. But the main issue here is behavior/addiction of one DS.

OP, I'm afraid he has a point, family support does not cover theft and it is only a matter of time before this happens again. At minimum he should be on notice, and stay only if he pays back stolen money, apologizes to his brother and agrees to your tenancy rules. Also, there may be a history here with the triplets. My parents never knew everything we were upto.

Anyway things have escalated, is there a plan to handle addiction and get him back on track? an intervention or change in plan may be needed. best wishes this is hard to deal with.

BarbarianMum · 23/10/2014 16:03

They should all pay. No 3 can pay out of his JS if he has to, then he'll have less money for cannabis. Enabling a drug user to keep using by providing a free roof and board is a very bad idea, trust me.

Oh, and if he steals again call the police. Stealing from family is no better than stealing from someone else.

ScarletFever · 23/10/2014 16:41

i had to pay a third of my jobseekers when i was unemployed living at home

and seriously - dont let them use the i'm not paying, if he's not paying' crap either - pay up a fair share, because you are the adult, or go and try renting somewhere on your own

Thats a really poor excuse not to pay rent, dont they see that they are affecting you?

wantstolickwilliamgraham · 23/10/2014 18:28

They should all pay something, though the third should pay much less- instead he should be helping with the domestic chores more.

If your third child is stealing though, that's a whole other issue and it's not surprising if your other kids have a gripe. It must look like favouritism if they have to pay rent (which they should) while your other one loafs around and steals from them.

If S/he steals again, then you need to deal with that. S/He needs your support if s/he's genuinely trying to overcome addiction but that shouldn't lead to complacency and enabling- which it can easily do. Get your unemployed child doing much more around the house, get some money off them (though obv not much) and by getting them busy they have something to do and won't be sitting around thinking about their next fix.

ilovesooty · 23/10/2014 18:35

I would be insisting they all contribute in line with their capacity to do so.
Continued tenancy of child with cannabis habit would be dependent on his self referring to his local community drugs team and attending regularly, engaging in interventions to kick the habit. He would also have to repay his sibling, who should involve the police if he steals again.

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