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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want dfriend to spend christmas with us

23 replies

polarbearsoncokebottles · 22/10/2014 16:55

Dfriend will be spending Christmas alone, she does every year and I always ask her to ours. This year I'm quite worried about her as I think she might be depressed and she said the other day she felt quite sad about another Christmas alone so I said (again) well come to ours then but she said no thanks Hmm

I know I can't force her but AIBU to think it would be better for her to be with friends than wallowing in sadness??

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 22/10/2014 16:57

It wouldn't neccesarily be better for her. She might spend the day feeling crap, and then be made to feel even worse because of other people trying to cheer her up, or because she feels she has to fake happiness for the sake of other people's Christmas.

Either way, it's her choice. You did a nice thing by asking her, but it's probably best to leave it there.

Rebecca2014 · 22/10/2014 16:58

I know someone who have spent Christmas alone and the reason he turns down friends is embarrassment and he would feel they would be intruding on family time.

MrSheen · 22/10/2014 16:59

I think it's up to her. She may have meant she wished she had the sort of relationships that meant she had someone to spend Christmas with, rather than she wants invitations from friends. Some people feel a bit odd about joining a family at Christmas.

afterthought · 22/10/2014 16:59

I think it is lovely that you want her to be with you, but maybe it would make her feel worse seeing a happy family - it could emphasise the fact she doesn't have anyone.

BettyFocker · 22/10/2014 17:00

YANBU to want her to spend it with you. But if she has said no, then that's that. If she does it every year then perhaps she quite enjoys it. She can sleep in all day then get pissed in front of the telly and eat chocolate for dinner. If she so wishes.

If she feels sad then you've done what you can by offering. Maybe mention it again nearer the time and suggest a firmer plan e.g "You could come to us. We usually do Christmas lunch at 2 so you could come at such-and-such time and spend the afternoon with us?" Maybe that might jazz up the idea a bit to her or stop her refusing out of politeness.

Leeds2 · 22/10/2014 17:09

Maybe ask her to spend Boxing Day with you?

WerkSupp · 22/10/2014 17:20

YANBU to want her there, but she is not BU to decline coming along. I'd feel like a 5th wheel and even worse watching happy families.

NuggetofPurestGreen · 22/10/2014 17:34

Maybe she would like not to be alone but would prefer to be alone rather than with your family? Not because you aren't nice obviously but because it's depressing going to other people's families when you don't have your own to go to. My parents are dead since I was 11 and my parents live abroad and I would always prefer to spend Christmas alone in my apartment than with a friend's family. And to be honest, the pressure other people put on you to spend Christmas with them is worse than the actual spending it alone (for me anyway).

You've offered, she's said no, leave it there. If she wanted to come she probably would.

NuggetofPurestGreen · 22/10/2014 17:35

My SISTERS live abroad I meant!

Original poster
polarbearsoncokebottles · 22/10/2014 22:06

Thanks I suppose I see what you mean I just feel bad for her [sad{

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 22/10/2014 23:22

Tell her she'd be doing you a favour, that she'd liven things up, that if friends are there, there's less chance of the family rowing.

JoyceDivision · 22/10/2014 23:25

are there other people you can invite to make it a big shin dig so it's not just your family and your friend, but your family and loads of friends, avoiding her feeling like she's intruding on family time?

Troublesometrucker · 23/10/2014 02:10

As someone who has spent several Xmas' alone out of choice in earlier years, YANBU to want her to, however tbh I think what she meant was she's sad not to have her OWN family around her. I don't think being around yours will make the day any better for her.

I found it far easier to be on my own and treat it as a normal day than I did being pitied by well meaning people.

claraschu · 23/10/2014 04:24

I agree with ImperialBlather. I wouldn't want to feel like someone felt sorry for me and was doing me a favour.

If you would really enjoy her company and she would help to make Christmas more fun, tell her that convincingly. My family always (selfishly rather than altruistically) tried to dig up a few extra people, as they would help turn holidays into a special occasion for us-

ihatethecold · 23/10/2014 06:13

Why don't you meet her in the afternoon for a walk after your Xmas dinner.
If the weather is ok

seasavage · 23/10/2014 08:26

Have you considered a 'friend drop in' type invite? Or even suggest she throw one? A friend of mine (knowing most friends have to visit family) has a 'just pop round' invite for bacon butties / sausage rolls every year (either boxing day or christmas eve). Because it's something casual lots of people drop by, he puts out loads of kid treats and leaves out cartoons/ twister. I once (on a lonesome Christmas) spent the whole afternoon chatting away as people popped in. Lovely relaxed fun.

Original poster
polarbearsoncokebottles · 23/10/2014 14:01

Thanks I didn't think about her feeling like she was being pitied.

OP posts:
claraschu · 23/10/2014 15:04

Of course she might not feel pitied, that might be in my imagination, but it is a possibility. I just find that single friends can be a wonderful addition to a family Christmas; they are fresh to and excited by the children's euphoria, enjoy the scene, and often bring funky and original presents.

It is really kind of you to think of her and try so hard to include her.

germphobia · 23/10/2014 15:20

I echo what others have said about it hard feeling like a spare part atat other people's family Christmas, and it making you wish even more you had the Christmas you wanted. Can you suggest that if she doesn't want to spend the day with you that she comes over late afternoon for a slice of Christmas cake etc? That's worked nicely for me in the past - was able to spend the day quietly how I wanted to, but had a bit of company to look forward to later in the day - by the time I got there the bustle of christmas was over and I just got to sit and chat, kids showed me their presents, had a game of chess with the 6 year old and a turkey sandwich and came home later in the evening. Of all the Christmases I've spent alone/with others' families I think this worked out the best for me.

iwantgin · 23/10/2014 15:31

I can see both sdes of this.

Agree with PP that she may feel like she is intruding on family time. It's quite a family orientated day isn't it? watching the DC open gifts .

I like germophobia idea - of inviting her to call in later. Once the big dinner is out of the way. She could come and have a drink, put on some snacks - I am sure you'll have turkey sandwiches :) That way - she gets to have a quiet day on her own, but with some thing to look forward to doing later in the afternoon.

NuggetofPurestGreen · 23/10/2014 15:40

Fine to ask her if she'd just like to pop in for a drink but if she continues to say no, please just leave her alone

As I said earlier, I find the (well intentioned) pestering more upsetting than being alone. One year a friend just wouldn't leave it and I ended up lying to her and saying I was going away just to stop her. When I just wanted to lie on the couch eating Pringles all day Grin

MissBlennerhasset · 23/10/2014 15:59

It's nice of you to think of her. What about saying that you have a gift for her and you'd love it if she could pop round at 10am or whatever to open it and have a quick sherry/coffee/tea. Once she's there she might feel happy to stay. But don't press it, as everyone else has said.

Your friend is fortunate to have someone who cares about her, at least she knows she has the option.

Snickersnickers · 23/10/2014 16:08

can you tell her that you really ment what you said about her coming for Xmas but understand if she doesnt want to come

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