To think we should reward ds (5) for effort not attainment?

[Lovedmywildway]

Ds's first year 1 parent's evening tomorrow.
Dh has told ds that if 'he's in the top groups for everything he can have a reward.'
This is extremely unlikely as ds is a) average b) new to the school and c) has recently started to wear - strong - glasses. Which has definitely helped but is unlikely to have made a huge difference yet when he's been struggling for a few terms barely able to see it would appear.

I'm hoping the teacher won't actually confirm which groups ds is in but I've told dh I don't agree with him, some children can with desperately hard and only ever be average or not even average. I think as long as teacher says ds is working to best of ability he should have his little reward. He's 5. Does it really matter if he's in the 'top groups' FFS.

Agree with you - school's don't usually reward for being in the top groups, but do reward for efforts or good work or good deeds......they are then accessible to all pupils, not just those who are more academic at this age. I would have a word with the teacher and ask that they reward effort or such instead.

No it's my own dh who wants to reward ds if he's in the top groups!

YANBU

There is evidence that 'average' people who work hard tend to be more successful than 'gifted' people who never had to learn how.

Reward for effort and behavior only. But just to add that those in the top sets in reception aren't always the kids in the top set when they reach year 6. There has been a huge amount of movement between sets over the years for my DS

Yanbu.
How crappy will ds feel if he isnt in top. Will his dad come home nd say'what a disappointment, nothing for you'?

I agree - praise for effort. I tell both my dd that although ds might have learnt to read much earlier than them, they have learnt to read AND to preserve with something and that is more important than just the attainment itself. Teachers won't usually say which group he is in at this stage either. We don't tend to reward academic achievement although it is hard if other parents are. My dc usually are just excited tohhear what their teachers said.

Persevere not preserve stupid auto correct

I would be very surprised if the teacher told you what group your ds is in. My ds1 is the same age and I have no idea!

Absolutely praise for effort. My DS has always been in the top groups with no effort at all on his part. My DD is bottom group in everything but is the most conscientious , enthusiastic and hardworking little girl you will ever meet!

How awful and what your DH do if his son got moved down a group.

Groups tend to be very fluid in primary school. Ds was in the 4th group out of five in year 1, but moved up the groups gradually to be in the top group for everything by year 4. He is now in the middle groups for most subjects at secondary.

Groups are very arbitary and the top group at one primary may not be as intelligent at the 2nd group at a different primary. Success is best achieved by lots of little targets. Learning all the number bonds up to 10, 2 times table, 5 time table and ten time table by the end of year one is far more measurable and achievable target than being on "top table". Learning specific skills also lays the foundations for future success.

YANBU

You should remind your DH that it really doesn't matter what group your DS is in, as long as it's the right group for him.

effort is everything - only a very lucky minority will ever get away with doing nothing in school and still being top set. Some of us weren't made to be top of the class - so reward us when we're working hard and trying our best 'cos if rewards are for those at the top only, what's the point for the majority?

YANBU
Teacher probably won't say whether he is in top groups anyway.

If you reward for being top you may end with a 'bright but lazy' child who doesn't want to try in case they fail.

Rewarding effort and behaviours is the way to go.

YANBU. Is your dh my dm?!?!

That said, I wish dd1's school did reward for attainment sometimes. Dd1, who is 'top' across the board mostly never gets star of the week etc. Never.

YANBU. I read something online about the fact that you shouldn't praise 'being clever' and it completely changed my attitude. I found myself about to say, 'You are so clever' and instead I now say, 'You have tried soooo hard'. I read that if you praise your child for doing well and that they find it easy, they won't think they have to try any more.

And the flip side is that if your child is trying REALLY hard and still only making average or below, they'll get really disheartened that they never get praised for trying.

Maybe you need to have a little word with DH. You could ask him how he thinks DS will feel if he gets no reward. Your poor DS. I hope your DH changes his mind and can see that it's a bit unfair.

I have a relative who wanted to buy her DS a car even though he got very poor GCSE results. Her husband refused and she phoned me angrily saying that in the real world people get rewarded for trying their best. I just kept quiet!

He's 5.

5?

Yanbu. I wouldn't be rewarding anything at this age just praise and encouragement.

They may not group them anyhow. In my DS's class (he's 5) they have them in mixed groups for everything, as they feel that it's better balanced for all children concerned. Obviously there are specific groups for those who need more intense input in certain things, e.g my DS has sessions for handwriting and he has issues with fine motor control.

At 5, the most important things are firstly that he's happy at school. Also that he's behaving, and socialising well. Obviously you also hope that he will be trying hard with his work as well.

Being in the top groups is irrelevant, and means absolutely nothing at this stage (my DS was never in top groups for anything and has just got AAA for A level...). As PPs have said, effort is the crucial thing at all stages of his education, and the only thing that should be rewarded. (However at 5, I also thing that praise is the only reward he should need).

Your DH is being an arse. That's no way to motivate any child. If he's not in the top group he can't do anything about it now and will end up terribly disappointed.

What he needs is lots of encouragement and instilling a love for learning - not rewards.