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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To NOT like being single?

27 replies

meanwindwanders · 22/10/2014 13:42

obviously some people will :) but I don't.

I don't have the freedom to move jobs, as I have to pay the mortgage and bills which are expensive and a lot to come out of one person's account.

I don't have the freedom to do what I REALLY want to do. Start a family. Go on holiday. Have sex

I just really don't like it and would like to meet somebody, at times!

OP posts:

IAmAShitHotLawyer · 22/10/2014 14:19

Why don't you have the freedom to move jobs?

Lushlush · 22/10/2014 14:22

Surely people in couples also have to pay bills and a mortgage. They must have things to factor in too ....

Also if you have children you don't tend to get much freedom after that to start with! And you can only go on holiday in school holiday time etc.

Whenever I was single before ds I went on holiday it didn't stop me!

Original poster

meanwindwanders · 22/10/2014 14:26

IAm what I mean is that my income is the only one. There's no option of (say) retraining, or similar.

I should have explained that :)

Lush of course but if your mortgage is (say) £600 a month that's £300 from two people's salary. Same with bills.

Re children - yes but if you want them and aren't in a position to have them it is

I don't want to go on holiday alone, I just wouldn't enjoy it :)

OP posts:

IAmAShitHotLawyer · 22/10/2014 14:37

YABU and a little bit negative if you don't mind my saying so

options include

Take a lodger in to help pay your mortgage while you retrain
retrain at night school or with the open university so it doesn't affect your day job
go on a holiday specifically tailered to single people

you just have to give it some thought - its' great being single!!!

The only thing stopping you doing things is you.

AMumInScotland · 22/10/2014 14:50

I think you have a rather rose-tinted idea of how different your life would be if you weren't single.

When you're half of a couple, you have to think about the impact of your choices on your partner as well as on yourself. Finances are usually just as stretched, so if you want to quit your job and retrain you have the same problem - very few people in couples are able to just manage on one of the salaries instead of both.

I get the desire for sex and children - those are certainly easier in a relationship!

But things like holidays don't magically become wonderful just because you are with someone else - you swap "I wouldn't enjoy it alone" for trying to compromise when you don't both want the exact same things.

Lushlush · 22/10/2014 14:55

When I was single and child free I went to a great holistic retreat holiday in Greece known as Skyros. It was fabulous.

Plenty of interesting single people over on that holiday too.

dreamingbohemian · 22/10/2014 14:56

I think it's fine to not like being single

I think you're a bit mad to think you have less freedom now though! You have SO much freedom, you can do whatever you want.

Even something like moving jobs or retraining -- even if you have a partner, it's a huge ask to expect them to support you on their salary alone. You would still probably want to save up for a while first or retrain at night or whatever.

Honestly, if you want to change jobs or go on holiday or do anything big, do it now while you only have yourself to think about.

ilovesooty · 22/10/2014 15:01

Fine not to like being single but as a single person myself I think you're being incredibly negative.
If you've never tried holidaying by yourself I don't see how you can know you wouldn't enjoy it. My only gripe is having to pay through the nose for it and the offers that aren't available to single travellers.

Original poster

meanwindwanders · 22/10/2014 15:08

Ilovesooty - I think the holiday is just symptomatic of a wider 'thing'. It's so hard to explain. I know people go for a logical response - "I feel I can't go on holiday as I'm single" - "well go on a singles holiday!" but I don't know, it's just not "how I want to do things"? Not even sure if that makes sense.

Perhaps what I'm really getting at is that I just feel really alone; like there's no one to share things with or ask for support from, and I obviously don't just mean financial.

Re retraining, I think I just know SO many women who have retrained after having children (my own mum did, actually!) so I'll accept rose-tinted glasses

OP posts:

ghostyslovesheep · 22/10/2014 15:09

I'm single not child free and paying the bills and mortgage out of my wages! The grass isn't always greener

I agree you have an odd view of what being in a couple means ... And of how being single restricts you

You want to retrain? Sell the house and rent for a bit, get a lodger , work pt ...

I like being single and I have way more freedom

KlokkenVin · 22/10/2014 15:15

That's your prerogativ entirely! What age are you?

I really regret not going to Australia at 29. I was made redundant and I got 4k (stg) and instead of going off to Australia for a year I thought I was too old to be spontaneous Now I realise I was not too old. I thought I had to get on with being sensible. SO I stayed in London and nothing really changed for ages because I hadn't become any braver. Now I see that taking that risk would have changed me and so changed 'things' in my life that I was so bored with.

dreamingbohemian · 22/10/2014 15:16

Why can't you holiday with friends though?
Is it really a partner you need or are you lonely generally?

Original poster

meanwindwanders · 22/10/2014 15:19

Ghosty renting would be far more expensive! With the best will in the world I'm always going to have to eat and always going to need shelter, and it won't come from nowhere obviously.

As I said though I think it's more general loneliness - not having anyone to share life's trials and tribulations (and joys of course) with.

Friends are all with partners :)

I am 34.

OP posts:

notagainffffffffs · 22/10/2014 15:20

Oh I love beig single! Spend my money on daft things with no frowny looks, enjoy attention off boys, get taken on dates but spend most of the time eating crisps in a onesie with no make up on. Watching what I want on tv....

NickiFury · 22/10/2014 15:21

I think you have to put a lot of energy into supporting the other person when you're in a relationship especially if you're a woman and I would far rather have that energy to put into myself and my dc. Constant compromise and having to do things I would never do if alone because the other adult wants to fills me with resentment. It's different with my kids, I care wholeheartedly about their happiness and well being. I haven't got the time or inclination to put into another person.

Original poster

meanwindwanders · 22/10/2014 15:25

I can see how that would work with children, Nicki but I don't have them either so it really is just me.

Obviously this is easier in most ways but just the same I do often get lonely.

I know that's a bit pathetic.

OP posts:

fancyanotherfez · 22/10/2014 15:35

When I was single, the one thing I hated more than anything else was people saying 'just go and enjoy yourself and something will happen when you're not looking' because it's not so easy not to think about it BUT the thing is, it's true!
If you are enjoying your life and doing interesting things, you will be interesting and will attract people to you- not just partners, but friends. You have the chance to be braver- go on holiday on your own- you can do what you want without negotiating somewhere both of you want to go. Make the most of your spare time. In a couple, that spare time isn't there, instead, there is loads of compromise.
I admit, I am a bit of a loner and I love my own space, so not seeing or speaking to anyone for days suited me fine! Now I have kids, going to the cinema on my own is bliss! I went on loads of holidays on my own when I was single. You meet people who talk to you all the time just because you are around. There are specialist singles holidays- not saddo singles holidays but ones where you can go travelling around in a group for safety and a bit of company with other people who you don't owe anything to. You have to change the way you look at things if you want to change your situation.

SipsTea · 22/10/2014 15:36

Hey, I'll exchange emails with you if you want to send me a private message.

Happy to celebrate the joys and commiserate the trials and tribulations with you, although I'm afraid that you'll need to look elsewhere for the sex (I'm straight) and holidaying bits (I'm neither childfree nor mortgage free).

And my morals are so flexible, I'm unlikely to judge you (out loud, at any rate - I'll just start a thread on MNet instead )

It's horrid being lonely, but no one in life ever really wants to admit to it.

Original poster

meanwindwanders · 22/10/2014 15:44

Fancy thanks :) I do do quite a lot of stuff, when I have time (work 2 jobs so sometimes this can be difficult!)

But 2 years ago I promised myself I would do what I wanted. Go on holiday alone, go to the theatre alone, go to tourist attractions alone.

It just depressed me. (And got me weird looks )

In any case, as I've realised myself, it's more a sense of feeling like I could vanish off the face of the earth and no one would know or care than actually being single as such, if you see what I mean!

Sips thanks that's really nice :)

It isn't that I don't have any friends, though, it's just - argh, I don't know! I'm explaining this very badly. Sometimes I'd just like to have someone to share everything with - and I don't.

OP posts:

yummytummy · 22/10/2014 15:52

Op I know what you mean. It is crap being single and I miss having someone to share things with and sex etc it is hard alone. But if you don't have kids you probably have more freedom to get out and socialise and do things if you wanted to. I am a bit limited that way as have to get babysitter etc before going out. Hugs x

MillionPramMiles · 22/10/2014 15:55

I think I actually had more sex when I was 'single' than I do now...and I definitely had better holidays.

I take your point about mortgage/bills though - shared living costs are a definite bonus.

Original poster

meanwindwanders · 22/10/2014 16:40

It is more expensive living alone I find.

I'm not sure when you were single but I do think single and thirtysomething is pretty different from single and twentysomething.

OP posts:

BookFairy · 22/10/2014 16:50

mean I've gone back to my parents as I could not afford rent/tax/bills/car (necessary for the job) / food on my paltry salary. It gets very lonely. I know exactly what you mean about just wanting someone to share life's burdens/joys with. If something good/bad happens I want to have that number one person to turn to and celebrate/cry on their shoulder.

Original poster

meanwindwanders · 22/10/2014 16:51

Thanks for understanding Book

Honestly if my parents were alive I'd probably ask to move back. I've wondered about asking my brother if I can move in with him for a bit but I have 2 cats who he doesn't really like (feeling's mutual!)

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 22/10/2014 19:07

I'm single, without children and quite a lot older than you. I don't have any relatives who give a toss about me either. I've been on one singles holiday but the rest of the time I've travelled independently - I don't think I've ever had weird looks at the theatre or on holiday. I really like not having to consult with anyone else about what I fancy doing. Christmas is a bit if a PITA so I'm going to Amsterdam on my own this year. The down side is that if I did disappear without trace work would be the first to notice...

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