To wonder what the key is to extreme popularity?

[HHacienda]

I don't feel like a very popular person. I have friends but always feel like they don't really like me that much, and that I'm left on the sidelines. I feel like this in every group of friendship that I am part of.

I know a few people that are super popular. They just seem to have everyone wanting to spend time with them, asking them to meet up or go on nights out, and wanting to know everything about them.

I am always the person that is just there, invited along to make up the numbers, and someone that no one really wants to know anything about.

Has anyone got any tips or advice please?

Being (or appearing) rich is a huge factor IMO. I know three women whom I would describe as very popular, and they are all well off financially, or at least they seem to be. They are all also very attractive.

Being pretty, wearing nice clothes and turning up to meet ups in a huge brand new 4 by 4 definitely makes people want to be around you!

My Dad and his sister are both ridiculously popular, both having close friends and having lots of not-so-close friends that still want to invite them to everything. It's something her kids (my cousins) and my sister have acquired but less so for me.

Having observed this for a LONG time I think the reason they are so popular are:

• They are the life and soul of the party - people invite them because they know they'll get on with anyone and liven up an event
• They remember EVERYONE - honestly, my Dad's job means he meets lots of people and he can remember someone from years ago. Not just their name, but their partner, kids, dog, next door neighbour, big event that was coming up etc. It's got to be some kind of super power.
• They are interested in everyone - they both ask questions about other people's lives to find out what's important to people and then they remember it. My Dad somehow does this even if he doesn't speak the same language...
• They're ridiculously confident. This is the big one for me - I don't think it's ever occurred to either of them that someone wouldn't like them. And if someone is clearly rude they usually assume it's because they're having a bad day rather than because they don't like them.
• They assume that people will want to do what they're asking and don't get offended if they say no. It almost sounds arrogant but it isn't really. My aunt once hosted a party at her house and got everyone else to bring the nearly all the food just by assuming that everyone would be happy to. The weird thing is, everyone was because she's so diplomatic and enthusiastic about things so her friend was happy to show off her incredible red velvet cake, and her MIL was really chuffed be asked to bring her quiche. If I ever tried that I'd be called a right cheeky sod!

I think once you get past a certain age, the most popular people are those who are happiest in their skin, and friendly and warm to those around them. And genuinely good company to be with.

I once heard the quote "popularity is the hallmark of mediocrity"

I guess it means that those who are willing to stand up for things, have (sometimes) unconventional or unpopular views, challenge the status quo etc and not always go along with the pack for an easy life, are not always going to be seen as 'popular'...... In my experience I have to agree that those people who are 'popular' tend to be people who are more 'conventional' or 'mainstream' in their views, dress sense, interests etc....

I also think natural attractiveness helps and confidence. I think to some extent is a 'quality' that one either possesses or doesn't....like being a good leader.

I don't have time to be popular. It sounds very tying. Bit of a drag. Everyone wanting a piece of you all the time. I get enough of that from my children.
Maybe you should get a dog.

The most popular people I know are accomplished brown-nosers.
Some people have a natural charm and know how to exploit it.
Much prefer people that don't suffer fools.

Being good looking enough not to give a fuck if you lose friends, knowing there'll be more along later.

Sorry if that sounds dismissive to all the people out there who are truly good friends to a lot of people. I have some good friends and I try to be a good friend but I feel overlook in favour of people who fit the description in the first line.

lol at crispyfern, you're right, i've too many children all wanting too many pieces of me.

My most 'popular' friend is genuinely the loveliest person I know. She's a pleasure to be around - energetic, kind, remembers everything you said the last time you met up. But she also opens up about her own issues - doesn't try to be perfect. She texts regularly, sends funny pictures. She knows the best places to eat/drink. She's also a social bridge - able to smooth over negative relationships and bring people together. And, her boyfriend is just as lovely, which probably helps.

Why is she like that? She seems to be a natural extrovert and optimist - she cares a great deal about others, but isn't afraid to state her opinion. I think she's just one of life's good people.

Initially I was jealous of how great she was with people, but over the years I've learned a great deal from her, and my own self esteem has improved. OP if you can find a friend who seems confident and outgoing, but genuinely nice, that person could be really helpful to you - to seeing whether there are things you don't do (e.g. I never used to call or text people as I was scared I'd bother them!) or could do better. Or in fact to observe them and decide that, you know what, that just isn't you.

OP this may be your perception rather than reality. The most popular people I know are the ones who feel they can be themselves.

Oh I have been here many times. I tried so hard to fit in with groups of friends trying to be someone I wasnt. One day I realised I didnt like who I was trying to be and much preferred to be myself even if it meant I had no friends. The stage that hit home for me was when my DS had his tonsils out when he was 3 and nobody visited us knowing we were stuck indoors while he recovered. The only person that visited was my best friend of about 15 years, she is the only one I see to this day and this is the way I want it to stay!

Dont try to be anyone your not, if people dont want to be friends with you then thats their issue NOT yours!

The really popular people I know are very attractive too. I think looks or the way you present yourself does have a bit to do with it.

Also, being smiley, chatty, interested in other people, confident and having an interesting life (going places, doing things) all help too.
People are often attracted to people who seem to have 'a life'

I'm leaving in a bout 10 mins. Sorry! Is that still ok?

Haha so sorry I thought I was texting my popular friend in my sleep deprived state! Oops!

One of my DSis is massively popular. She's overweight, not trendy, not overly extrovert and doesn't give a fig for material things. So I don't think it's her looks or status.

But she attracts people effortlessly, ever since she was a nipper. She's smiley and genuinely interested in everyone. She loves socialising and sees the best in people. She doesn't judge and she's generous. Overall I think it's her warmth.

Her phone rings constantly, drives her DH crackers.

I have a DF who is also very popular but she's an uber extrovert and admits she works really hard to maintain her shedload of friendships. Whereas it just seems to happen naturally for my DSis.

Different reasons I think. I know someone who is genuinely very popular but she is a mirror- whatever you say, she will agree with. It's quite hard to notice. I think she is lovely but not sure who she really is. I think she just gets carried along with the flow.

Another very good friend of mine is very popular because she is so good with people. She's very beautiful (which I do think helps) and is very interested in everyone, plus quite confident. She deserves to have so many friends really, she is fab.

I've also come across a couple people who are very popular because they are very good with people but the cracks show when you get close to them and they don't tend to be very good at retaining friends.

I'm not sure you can really pigeonhole it too much really. Although obviously that's what I've just done! But I think I mean that all the most popular people I know are different.

I think being witty helps as well. The most popular people I know are very quick witted and seem to have a knack for making others laugh.

If it's any consolation OP I've never been popular either. The difference is I don't care, I have no desire to be,

From my experience in my career the popular ones are the ones who go out a lot, drink a lot, are loud and desperate for attention. I am/do none of these things hence am not popular. I can't change my personality to fit in. I always feel these people are playing a role anyway.

I think being human, being fallible, smiling, being helpful all help. Being able to hold/carry a conversation.

I also think inviting people to do things rather than waiting to be asked is key. Also, everyone is busy - don't take offence if you suggest going for a coffee and erevyone has other things to do - they probably are genuinely busy and WISH they could go for a coffee.

The top things I avoid? Moaning, b1tching, passivity, one-up-manship...all too much of a drain. And sorry to say it, but conversational vacuums are also a drain. If someone mentions the weather is rubbish, respond and don't inwardly think "WHAT? HOW DARE YOU BOTHER ME WITH SUCH INANE BABBLE".

I often think when people say they think others don't think much of them that it stems from the person not actually thinking that much of themselves! The vast majority of people are nice, normal people.

For me indifference has worked a treat at the school gates
I am civil and polite, keep my own council and I am mostly upbeat...

However, I stand where I want, I wear very individual clothes and drive a
car that probably only I love. I talk to everyone. I do not get best friends or enemies, I love my job, where I live, my family and I keep anything that is getting me down to myself, I don't really ask for favours or burden people.
I find doing more for others but not owing them anything helps, being strong and independent I guess.

Never used to be like this, was needy and dramatic, attention seeking almost but I have grown comfortable in my skin. I think if you repsect yourself others do, Yes, I know that sounds incredibly trite, but it is true for me....

I have never been trendy or popular but I seem to be in the inner circle

The most popular person I know is very extrovert, loud and fun. You would want to be at her table at the works party.

I agree with the poster who says being rich helps!! It shouldn't of course but at my children's school gates I see what she describes. But, as antysib says, popular isn't necessarily decent and reliable. Like imeldainamustardcoat getting a pt job has helped me channel insouciance if not complete indifference and that has helped! A friend of mine says 'don't be too available'. She used to be around every morning looking for somebody to go for coffee. (I was usually up for a coffee) but then she realised that she needed to ration herself and it worked for her. She will only ask once in a while now.

Popularity means different things to different people. Depending on which kind of circles you mix in, it could be your job status or wealth that attracts superficial followers. A genuinely popular person to me is someone who is well liked and loved by many, who you just love being around and makes you feel like the most important person in the room.

Making the effort.

My mother and one of my sisters are both mega popular. I wouldn't say this was because they necessarily have much better (or more likeable) personalities than me (my sis, in particular, can be a little bit of a cow on occasion!), but purely that they are much more gregarious, and always try hard with people.

I'm a bit of an introvert so will be happy meeting up with people one night a week, planned in advance, and will then have a great time. I'll usually only go out if I fancy the activity, and not just for the sake of it (exception for special occasions). They, on the other hand, will accept pretty much any invitation, and go out multiple times a week, with different groups of friends.

I see an acquaintance in the shop, I smile, say hello and wander on. They stop and chat for half an hour. That way an acquaintance soon becomes another friend.

If it's a work colleague's (that I'm friendly with, but not friends, as such, IYSWIM) birthday I would probably wish them happy birthday, maybe by them a card if it's a big one. They would get them a little present, offer to go out for lunch, etc.

Even people who are not 'nice' but still popular seem to out some effort in, knowing people's names, (even if it's just to bitch about them!) details of their lives, etc.

Often on here people complain that they don't have any friends, but then whatever suggestions are offered they turn down immediately. There seems to be the expectation that other people should make the first move. Well, if you've just moved to a new area, and everyone else has lived here for yonks and has a great group of friends, they're not really going to be bothered, are they?

Making (and keeping) friends as adults can be hard. People have to be prepared to put the effort in!

In my experience it's a part of who you are that you're born with. I see it in DS and he's only 18 months. From the minute he could smile and engage people they've wanted to be around him. There's a twinkle in his eye which seems to bewitch people. I take him to nursery and the other children flock to him, wanting to hold his hand. It's all very different from when DD was little and nobody wanted to be her friend.