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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wish distant cousin would tone it down a bit?

25 replies

spangledboots · 22/10/2014 00:05

Okay - brief background: I was/am incredibly close with my grandparents. I lost my grandmother back in May to cancer, she was only 65. My wee granda is the best man in the world and my gran was just everything to him. Our immediate family is all still very much hurting from this loss and for my granda.

I'm not normally one to judge anyone on how they express their grief but we have a distant cousin - her and I share a set of great grandparents, whatever that makes us - who is constantly (well, once a week?) Posting something about our grandparents. Much as I'm trying not to get upset about it, I am because it's yet another reminder of what's happened.

She makes a lot of collage images about how much she loves them and it's a bit much. Her and I are the same age - 25. She's not always been around our family but acts like she's been adopted by us or something to outsiders. When she's actually around us, she's almost afraid to speak. It's very odd and no other family member have been behaving this way.

Will seeing these types of posts ever get any easier? (My brother occasionally posts something which normally leaves me in floods of tears) should I just try to ignore her and muddle on?

OP posts:
KingJoffreysBloodshotEye · 22/10/2014 00:09

Delete her.

JennySense · 22/10/2014 00:11

Perhaps there's more to this? What is her close family like?

aloiseb · 22/10/2014 00:12

You could unfriend her and pm her to tell her why you are doing so? I don't see why you have to get upset every time you open up Facebook.
Unless there's another way of not seeing what she posts on your home page?

NoPizzaTonight · 22/10/2014 00:16

Can you just hide her feed?

I understand it's upsetting to you. She sounds quite insecure rather than she's intentionally annoying. I think it might make things even worse if you tackle her on it... how would she normally respond to criticism?

SoonMeansNever · 22/10/2014 00:17

YANBU, she sounds rather odd and insensitive, but if you're not up to unfriending her and dealing with any fallout, you can just 'Hide' her feed - click top right of one of her posts and a little drop down menu should appear with the option to hide all posts by that person.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Sprink · 22/10/2014 00:17

I do think you should just muddle on, yes. As you said, people grieve differently.

Presuming this is Facebook or some other social media (you mentioned posts), there could be a way for you to not see her posts.

And I believe she would be your second cousin. Who knows what relationship/feeling she has for family, generally, or specifically with your Granda?

My condolences for your loss. It's very hard, but time will help a little.

BOFster · 22/10/2014 00:18

Just hide her updates until you feel stronger- saves a lot of hassle.

AskYourselfWhy · 22/10/2014 00:21

I would just hide her feeds.

ADishBestEatenCold · 22/10/2014 00:21

Your grandmother was ... what ... her Great Aunt?

So her Grandmother or Grandfather was your Grandmother's sister or brother?

Is that person still alive?

If so, perhaps her Grandparent is sharing memories of their sister with your cousin and it is that which is causing her to post.

Why is what she's saying upsetting you? Is it unkind or unpleasant stuff, or is it that you are just not yet ready to remember her 'publically' (so to speak)?

Original poster
spangledboots · 22/10/2014 00:22

Ah yeah! I can hide her feed. I've never had any issues with her up until now so I'm a bit sad that I feel the need to do that.

I'm probably just being waaaaay oversensitive.

You could be right about deeper issues - she's close with her mum and sisters but that's about it. She just seems to cling to my grandparents. They are/were good people but they've never really shown her any special attention compared with other family members they had a similar relationship with.

I mentioned to Granda that a recently taken photo of him and her together is on Facebook with loads of hearts and a message about him being amazing. He thought it was weird. He doesn't really know what FB is though!

OP posts:
UmmAbdillah · 22/10/2014 00:26

Sorry for your loss Flowers

You said people grieve differently so personally I do think YABU if she's posting stuff about how much she loves your grandma... Hide the posts or delete her like others said if you don't want to see them

UmmAbdillah · 22/10/2014 00:27

Oops sorry just seen your update... Okay yes she does sound weird!!!!

Original poster
spangledboots · 22/10/2014 00:27

Her gran and my gran were sisters; yes. But this girl detests her gran - never speaks to her.

She's not saying anything mean at all - it's the opposite. It's mostly collage photos with their names and how she'll love them forever. It's mostly just upsetting me because it's a reminder of the worst thing I've ever experienced and I guess to an extent I feel a bit like publicly she's missing my gran more than I am (that's silly though!)

OP posts:
NoPizzaTonight · 22/10/2014 00:29

yh my gparents think FB is very, very odd and a very dangerous place (they've never been on, they just hear so many stories of "so and so put this on facebook"

has she ever lost anyone before?

I think sometimes how it affects you, can depend on if you have any experience of that type of loss. I know losing the first young person I knew to death was far harder than any since, although I wasn't as close to that first person who died iyswim.

LineRunner · 22/10/2014 00:30

She's young, overinvolved and probably insecure. Collages are a way some people show their loyalty to people or to projects.

But you don't have to look at it.

Tricky one.

Original poster
spangledboots · 22/10/2014 00:35

From what I know she did lose a friend a few years ago. Her other gran passed away when she was around 8. As I say, she doesn't bother about any family other than her mum and sisters whereas I'd happily catch up with pretty much everyone in that extended family.

I get what you mean about experiencing loss for the first time. Maybe it was seeing how my gran deteriorated that's impacted her? It certainly affected me greatly and I still vividly remember different treatments or stages she was in. It was very drawn out for poor gran :(

OP posts:
BuggersMuddle · 22/10/2014 00:39

YANBU in general, but I wonder what's lacking to make her focus on your GPs. It may be that she isn't getting any kind of familial support on her side, so looking to fill it on yours without malice. That certainly sounds possible from what you've posted.

I would block. People can be bloody funny on FB. I recall years ago a mate created a cheap artwork for my (dying) grandmother. Shortly after (not unexpected death) they asked for it to be returned. I completely bloody ignored it along with any other ridiculous requests. I would treat this in the same way.

ADishBestEatenCold · 22/10/2014 00:42

Do you think she is faking her feelings about your Grandparents, her Great Aunt and Uncle?

Original poster
spangledboots · 22/10/2014 00:44

Oh tell me about it! My gran's sister walked into the house a few weeks after she died and swiped the yankee candle that she'd given her as a present a few months previously!

Another showed up a week after the funeral saying she needed to 'borrow' one of her hats for a wedding she was going to.

Honestly, some people!

OP posts:
Original poster
spangledboots · 22/10/2014 00:47

Nope, I think she genuinely did/does care about them.

They did often give her money when she helped out - she used to do ironing (she also does this for my dad) and she'll sometimes pop into town to get a few things for my granda. I don't think it's huge sums of money or any reason why she's posting these things.

OP posts:
ADishBestEatenCold · 22/10/2014 01:04

"I think she genuinely did/does care about them."

I think if her feelings are genuine then you are being a bit unreasonable, BUT (for the same reason that I think it's okay for her to do what she's doing) I think it's okay for you to feel the way you are feeling about this.

As others have said, everyone has different ways of expressing there grief.

No one can take away or negate the relationship you had with your lovely Grandmother.

No one an take away or negate the relationship she had with her lovely Great Aunt.

Simply hide her posts, so that they don't upset you, and carry on dealing with your grief and your memories, in your way.

mommy2ash · 22/10/2014 09:30

im sorry you lost your Nan but I think yabu nobody has a monopoly on feelings. it's likely your grandad thought it was weird simply because you mentioned fb my parents think everything on fb is weird. if it upsets you hide her posts but no you shouldn't tell her tone it down it's her page she can do what she wants on it.

DeWee · 22/10/2014 10:36

If she detested her gran than she's probably basically wishing that your gran had been hers, so doing what she was doing if it had been her gran... if that's not to confusing for you.

I do know what you mean though. I lost a close friend to cancer a couple of years ago and do feel irritated when at the anniversaries of her death people who I know she didn't have a friendship with other than seeing at the school gate, put up photos of her with captions of how devastated they are, or worse pictures of white feathers saying "look what I found, I know she's watching over me!" I have to sit on my hands to not write "No, a cat has killed a pigeon near you, and if she was watching over someone it would be her two little boys!"

appleharvest · 22/10/2014 12:16

I wouldn't like it, but I wouldn't delete her. It's annoying when you know (and sometimes, you do) a death has had more of an impact on you than someone else yet they make a meal of it and you don't but it's the way of the world.

But I do favour the "stiff upper lip" approach as a rule!

OTheHugeManatee · 22/10/2014 12:54

Just hide her FB posts. She gets to griefwank express her own feelings and you get to protect yourself from being upset at random intervals. Win all round Smile

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