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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My difficult SIL

14 replies

StormyLovesOdd · 21/10/2014 13:19

This will probably sound petty but it is really grating on me.

It was my nieces 6th birthday a few days ago. I saw my DN Sunday when we dropped off her birthday card and pressie. When we arrived I tried to hand the present and card to my SIL but she kind of pointed and directed me to my DB instead, she did not say thank you or even acknowledge the gift ...... she does have form for this kind of thing so I just ignored it and chatted to my brother and their kids, after awhile my SIL warmed-up and we had a nice afternoon with birthday cake and party games for the kids. I wished my DN a happy birthday for tomorrow and we all went home.

I had a very busy day yesterday, working from 9am-5pm, rushed to get my DD to her ballet class in time. Then back home, cooked tea and got my DD ready for bed (she is also 6). I didnt have time to ring my niece to wish her a happy birthday but I had seen her yesterday so I didnt think it was a big deal and rang after I had got my DD settled for the night by which time of course my DN was also in bed. My SIL answered the phone, the conversation went like this:

Me did DN have a nice birthday?

SIL Yes

Me did she like her present, I spent ages trying to find her something she would like

SIL Yes .........

...... very long silence...

Me are you okay, your very quiet

SIL Yes

I tried to chat to her for a few more minutes but I just got one word answers so I gave up in the end and said I would speak to her soon. AIBU to be really annoyed, how rude my SIL is she didnt even thank me for the card or the present and is obviously pissed with me.

OP posts:
tinylttletrotters · 21/10/2014 13:31

She's just rude

What does she do for your daughters birthday ?

Whichusername · 21/10/2014 13:32

Doesn't sound like she likes you very much or maybe just awkward socially. Yes, she was rude. Ignore (or ask her if there is a problem or whether you have offended her in any way) and concentrate on your brother and niece. Is she always like this?

nilbyname · 21/10/2014 13:34

Is it my SIL you were talking too?!

It is such a fucking bore people who think everything and everyone revolves around them.

You did nothing wrong! SIL is being a narcissistic twerp, leave her to site in her own weirdo bad feelings.

Sorry! Projecting a bit now! Grin

DeWee · 21/10/2014 13:36

Has your db thanked you? Why is it so important she thanks you?
She probably directed you to give it to your db because he was going to collect the presents and put them in one place.
I would have thought it was the job of your db to thank first, then your niece.

And if you phoned me at the end of a birthday of my girls when they were 6yo, my mind would have gone totally blank on what you had given almost certainly, and I wouldn't want to commit without checking in case I thanked you for the lego when it was really the board game. With my dsis I could say "what did you give again?" and we'd have a chuckle about it, but you don't give the impression you'd give her any slack, so she probably wouldn't feel she could ask.

Brassrubbing · 21/10/2014 13:45

Well, she doesn't sound as if she likes you much - either that or she's simply socially awkward. You'll know which better than a bunch of strangers on the internet.

To try to be devil's advocate for a minute, there are a couple of slightly odd things about the way you present the situation in your OP - why are you being so defensive on here about how you wished your niece a happy birthday when you saw her, and how you were too busy to phone her to say happy birthday on the actual day? It would honestly never occur to me to do this - is the implication that you think your SIL is cross because you didn't actually speak to her daughter on her birthday? Is there the slightest evidence for that?

Is it not possible that she'd had just as busy a day as you had yesterday, and was absolutely exhausted and just wondering why you'd phoned her at night? From what you say about the conversation, it could sound as if you phoned specifically to be thanked for the present...?

Also, why the emphasis on the SIL? Why not deal directly with your brother, and talk to him on the phone about things to do with birthdays and his daughter?

Original poster
StormyLovesOdd · 21/10/2014 13:48

DB didn't thank me either, he was making the drinks and just grabbed it off me and hid it in the cupboard before my DN could see it.

SIL has always been difficult, I try my best to ignore it and get on with her but this has really got to me. Thing is sometimes she can be great but she seems to have sulks and temper tantrums for no reason you never know which versioh of her personality you are going to get until you arrive.

I get on really well with my DB and the kids and want my DD to stay close to them as she is an only child.

OP posts:
Brassrubbing · 21/10/2014 14:01

Well, it sounds to me as if your brother was just as abrupt, if he didn't thank you for the present either, but you seem to blame your SIL more...? Why did he grab the present and hide it? Wasn't the niece allowed to just open it and thank you herself?

But I have sympathy for you in dealing with someone when you don't know which version of their personality you are going to get on a given day - my younger sister can be like this, and it's wearying and surprisingly nerve-racking. I would suggest you remain civil to your SIL, stop trying to second-guess her reasons for her moods, and deal directly with your brother in future.

heebiegeebie · 21/10/2014 14:06

Why did your brother hide her present? Why didn't you give your present to your niece? My head hurts Confused

ImperialBlether · 21/10/2014 14:09

So what does she do for your daughter's birthday? Do they make a big fuss?

ScarletFever · 21/10/2014 14:14

"Has your db thanked you? Why is it so important she thanks you?" ??

Seriously? You walk in with a present and try to give it to the birthday girl, who just points you in a direction??? I would have kept the present personally and given it to someone else - what an ungrateful brat!

She should have said "thank you very much auntie stormy, i'll just put it with the others that i am not allowed to open til my actual birthday"

If my DS acted like that, he would nt be getting the presents

LadyLuck10 · 21/10/2014 14:18

Scarlet rtft it was the SIL who pointed, not her niece Confused

Yanbu, it was rude of both of them to behave this way. Your SIL seems to have issues if this is how she behaves.

AMouseLivedinaWindMill · 21/10/2014 14:28

Hello

I am sorry but I think there is far far more to this story than your letting on, and past history.

ScarletFever · 21/10/2014 21:03

Ok - fair enough it was the SIL that pointed (this is what happens when i try to MN at work and read stuff too quickly, and get confused on the acronyms) , but the child still needs to say thank you - i dont think that they should go as far as thank you letters (but its a lovely touch if they do)

But a phone call, or a text or an email.

I think that the issue here is with your relationship with the SIL (and a little of the BIL) - you seem to be saying she is always a bit ...off, so i wouldnt worry about it and just try and avoid as much as possible

springlamb · 21/10/2014 21:10

I have a SIL who is a bit...off. She has always been so. She doesn't like direct contact, seeing her is like the first time every time, she doesn't involve herself much in family affairs at all.
I've just come to accept she is a very private person.
I would love to know my DN better than I do, and I'm sure DN would like to spend more time with her (only) cousins as when they do meet he always enjoys himself.
But to try to change things would just cause a lot of upset which I am loath to do. So I am nice enough when we do meet and encourage DH to stay in close contact with his brother, but I don't instigate things.

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