... to feel overwhelmed and to not know where to start with helping stressed dp

[DIYandEatCake]

ok I know iabu really, people have far worse problems, I'm just hoping for some suggestions as I'm tired and all out of energy and inspiration. Dp and I have been together for years, I love him so much, and we have a 3yo and a 9mo, who are gorgeous. I'm so proud of our little family, I feel so lucky to have them all. But - dp has really struggled mentally with fatherhood and is suffering stress and vague physical symptoms and I'd say he's depressed. I think it started when 3yo dd was a baby, she was a very unhappy baby, cried lots and rejected dp constantly (she's got better on that front but is still a real mummy's girl).
He basically just seems to have given up. He constantly feels too tired/unwell to do stuff round the house, I do everything and just about keep on top of the bare minimum - laundry, cooking, shopping, washing up, a bit of tidying/hoovering when I can... The house is messy and disorganised (by anyone's standard, I'm in no way a perfectionist!) the garden's a jungle, there are so many things that need doing that I just can't find the time to do. I'm a sahm, dp works, so I'm happy to do the biggest share of home stuff, but I just can't manage to keep on top of it. Much as I love my kids I could use some time off sometimes - I do all the night wakings etc and get tired too. But however tired I am he always feels more tired (suffers from insomnia). I have had 3 lie-ins in the last 3 years, when I've been too ill to get up, otherwise I do the early get-ups as I feel bad waking dp when he sleeps so poorly. I can't talk to anyone in rl as he doesn't want any friends or family to know about how he's feeling.
He's seen the gp who thinks he is mildly depressed and stressed but hasn't offered any help, just advised exercise and yoga which he is doing (taking him out of the house a few evenings a week as well...). I just don't know how to help him and get our relationship back on track, I'm just so exhausted too. I'm hoping someone's going to come along with a bit of perspective and give me a virtual kick up the backside, or some ideas to help him or to get myself more organised, please?

Well although he is having problems, the work should be split more fairly. There is no evidence to say it will make him feel worse and you can't carry on like this.

I think you should talk to him (I'm sure you have done already) and be honest about the apparent depression - love him and support him, but also at the same time work a bit of tough love in there. He needs to do more around the house for you, and make more of an effort with the children - it will help him in the long run. I've had depression several times in the past, and the more I sat about and did nothing the worse it got. Maybe suggest some counselling, but I'd also suggest little things he can do to help, but alsp be honest about your struggles.

You might get more helpful advice in the relationships board. Hope you can work through this x

How is he coping at work? Is it only home life that is a struggle or is it affecting him doing his job as well? Does he work long hours?

Even if he is struggling, it feels like he ought to be able to do a bit more to give you a break, particularly if it is something he might find therapeutic - gardening, cooking, taking the kids for a weekend activity whilst you get some rest? Maybe it would seem less stressful if it isn't presented as him taking on more chores/responsibility at home, but as an activity he would enjoy. If he is getting out of the house for yoga/exercise on a regular basis it sounds like he does have some physical and mental reserves after work, but that he is having difficulty channelling them into home life.

Was he totally honest with his gp about how he was feeling? How about getting him to fill this in (maybe have a go at filling it in for him if you want an idea of how bad it is)
www.patient.co.uk/doctor/patient-health-questionnaire-phq-9

I advise some good old fashioned housework to tire him out a bit. Then putting the bins out, some good old fashioned digging and pruning of the garden...all activities that are physical and tire the body not the mind.

My Dh can be a bit like this at times which I also think is mild depression. Including probs bonding with our dd (in my opinion). However he is not insomniac which I feel is making your situation much worse as you don't feel able to wake him.

All I can say is exercise really really helps my dh, as does getting on with household tasks like cleaning together so that not too overwhelming. Maybe he should go back to docs for help with insomnia though.

However you need a break too, so you need to talk about how/when he can give this too you. Is there anyone else who can hhelp with kids in short term while he sorts out recovery.

Ps funkybold is right about using housework as exercise though. And plateofcrumbs. Also I agree he may not have been totally honest with gp.

It is v annoying when a dp seems to have energy to burn doing exercise outside home and you are too tired to do all the work you are left with!

Sorry for multiple posts - you must speak to someone in rl for support. Banning this is where he is being most selfish.

What happens if you suggest to him - "I will get kids ready please take them to the part k for couple of hours tomorrow"?

Does he complain straight away or agrees and then finds excuses not to do it?

Agree with others that his depression isn't an excuse to not help. And if the exercise and yoga haven't helped, when does he go back to the GP? Insommnia is a problem (what has his GP said about that) but if he isn't sleeping anyway, surely he could see to the children when they're crying and he's awake? I understand the not wanting to wake him when he isn't sleeping well, but you're not sleeping well either, so from time to time you need him to be the one who sucks it up.

Have you actually said to him that the current situation isn't working for you? I think you need to start there. This isn't something you can solve for him. He's going to have to do some of the work.

"I can't talk to anyone in rl as he doesn't want any friends or family to know about how he's feeling. " - this isn't just his choice. You need support too.

Thanks so much everyone for replying, I really appreciate it . I'm glad it's not just me being uncaring... We have had conversations about it, but he's struggling to be outward-looking at all and just assumed he feels worse than me all the time. If I lay down the law he will reluctantly help out - I'm ill today with a fever and sore throat and headache, and made him cook pasta and sauce for the kids and help put them to bed. I think part of his problem is that there aren't many things he enjoys - hates gardening and cooking and wouldn't find them therapeutic. He also doesn't particularly care if the house is a tip, at least not enough to want to do anything about it. I think
I might suggest going back to the gp again, though they haven't really taken him seriously so far as he does function well at work and is doing well there, it's just home seems to stress him out which makes me really sad. I haven't put this in relationships as I feared Id get loads of 'leave the bastard's - I wanted s more balanced view. Thanks for being kind and giving me things to think about

If he enjoys the exercise bit could he take them both with buggy to a park that is a good walk away and then play there for a bit and push them home.That will give him a good work-out,bonding time with the kids,and you a break,maybe at the weekend. Could he do bathtime/bedtime stories with your 3 year old whilst you settle the little one.That is a good opportunity for cuddles and bonding too. Can you afford to get some help in to do housework?Even a couple of hours every 3-4 weeks could hoover throughout and clean bath/toilets to take some pressure off you.