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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be unhappy about not being invited to a friend's wedding or hen?

21 replies

krystellie · 20/10/2014 20:47

I moved away from the NW to Brighton 4 years ago. In the NW, I had a group of very close friends.

Of those friends, all bar one have remained very close. However, this one has drifted further and further apart from me since I moved away. I still try to keep the friendship alive by suggesting we meet when I'm back up, but in the past year she has either ignored the messages or has come up with an excuse.

Anyway, I've since found out that I've not been invited to either her hen do or wedding. I appreciate that weddings are expensive, but I am at a lose as to why she has completely blanked me. I congratulated her at the time of the engagement.

We never had a falling out and I was there for her during a very difficult time (more so than most other friends), so I feel a bit miffed that she's acted like this.

OP posts:

cherrybombxo · 20/10/2014 20:52

It sounds like she has been trying to let you down gently for a while now, this just confirms that she doesn't want to be friends anymore. It's rubbish but sometimes people drift apart.

riverboat1 · 20/10/2014 20:54

It's a shame, but sounds like for whatever reason she doesn't want to continue the friendship and there's nothing you can do about it. You have tried your best.

Does she maybe already have a lot of long distance friends? Nearly all my friends live a long way from me (because I moved country), it is hard to keep up with them all in a meaningful way.

Original poster

krystellie · 20/10/2014 20:56

I'm not sure why she doesn't want to continue the friendship. I know she's made a lot of new friends since I moved away, but it seems a shame that she can't spare any time to see me, considering how close we were.

OP posts:

WooWooOwl · 20/10/2014 20:57

If the friendship has been floundering for four years, and been almost non existent for one of those, I think it's understandable that you aren't invited to the wedding.

It's sad that your friendship hasn't gone the distance if you wanted it to, but this stuff happens in life, especially when there's distance involved.

mommy2ash · 20/10/2014 21:01

I don't understand why you thought you would be invited you aren't really friends anymore.

Original poster

krystellie · 20/10/2014 21:03

I think I'm more upset as it proves that we are no longer friends, which is tough to take when we used to be very close and still kept in touch a bit after I moved away.

One of life's lessons, I suppose.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 20/10/2014 21:12

In tge nicest possible way Yabvu. Why has it taken you so long for you to realise that she does not want to be your friend anymore! It's probably not anything you have done, she has decided that she dies not want be be your friend, why on earth if she ignores your messages, or come up with excuses nit to meet up, should she invite you to her wedding and hen! Leave it now, go with your head held high, there are plenty more other friendships to be had.

wantstolickwilliamgraham · 20/10/2014 22:38

YANBU to feel saddened to see the friendship go but it sounds like she's been trying to end the friendship a while. Why did you try to keep the friendship alive if she was so not bothered? Friendship should be largely 50/50 with people wanting to make the effort and see each other. If one person is putting in all the effort then either the other person is being a user and expecting to be chased or they're trying to distance and let down that way rather then be blunt and truthful.

Either way the friendship is gone and not worth it.

Are all your other friend mutual friends with her? Is that why it grates more if they are invited?

I would take this chance to cut her off and give her the distance she obviously wants. Unfollow or unfriend on facebook as well, at least then you won't feel hurt if you see the pictures and updates and get no communication from her.

jakesmith · 20/10/2014 22:55

These things are very upsetting but they happen, make the most of your other friends and make some more.

AliceLidl · 20/10/2014 22:55

Some people can only manage relationships they get immediate gratification from.

As you are not on her doorstep any more, perhaps she's one of those people who doesn't see the point in maintaining your friendship now, because she's not getting any immediate benefit from you.

Or perhaps she was just never the friend you thought she was.

YANBU to feel hurt, because she hasn't been honest or fair to you. She's taken the easy way out by ignoring you, hoping you will realise what she was doing and go quietly so she doesn't have to talk to you.

Instead, you have persevered with the friendship and it's taken this wedding snub to make you realise what she was doing. It's not surprising that this has hurt your feelings, because it's a big snub that you can't really mistake or ignore.

Better to do as has been suggested, cut your ties and let her go, hide her on Facebook if you can't face deleting her right away, then stop calling or sending messages and focus on people who give you something back. Your time is better spent on friends who actually return your friendship.

If you really want to part with no hard feelings, send her a congratulations card wishing her and her new DH all the best for the future, then hide her on Facebook, delete her number and forget all about her.

YouAreAMouseInAMaze · 20/10/2014 22:58

YANBU to feel hurt but, as others have said, I think she has been trying to let you go for a while. It doesn't necessarily mean she is a bitch, she might just feel the relationship isn't really working any more. I have been both the person doing the cutting off and the person being cut off. It's probably not a reflection on you.

Original poster

krystellie · 20/10/2014 23:16

Thanks people!

Yes, the rest of my former group are still close with her which is what hurts the most, as I makes me feel it's something to do with me.

However, I have just hidden her on Facebook so I don't see the constant reminders of what I'm missing.

I've met a lot of lovely people since moving down here, so agree that it's more important to focus on those and my other true friendships.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 21/10/2014 07:30

I would delete her op it's doing you no good. What's the point if she does not want anything to do with you.

wantstolickwilliamgraham · 21/10/2014 19:58

Unfollow for sure OP, delete if you can- less temptation to look and get upset. Besides she doesn't seem to care, so why should you?

Original poster

krystellie · 22/10/2014 19:04

I tend to think that if you delete someone on Facebook, it's usually because they've done something to really anger you; i.e. an ex or someone who's stabbed you in the back.

I'm not angry with her for what she's done, but it does make me realise how one sided our friendship was after I moved away.

As we have mutual friends, I'm sure our paths will cross again at other friends' weddings, etc so I don't want to create any drama.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 22/10/2014 19:07

Why have someone on Facebook who does not want to know you or be in your life. Whose posts hurt you. It will make you feel a lot better.

wantstolickwilliamgraham · 23/10/2014 11:39

You can delete people for any reason you like. To be honest if your friendship is gone, why do you want her there? Why would it cause drama? She has no interest in you, she's made that clear, she's not likely to look at your fb. She'll probably delete you when she remembers too anyway, might as well cut her off before you see she has and feel more hurt.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/10/2014 11:49

Exactly wants, why keep somebody there who doesent care about you or want you in their life.

BigBoobiedBertha · 23/10/2014 11:59

YANBU to be hurt, especially if you hadn't realised that as far as this woman is concerned, you aren't real friends. It must be disappointing as the wedding would have given you the opportunity to have a get together with all your old friends.

That said, it is her wedding, she barely sees you and probably doesn't feel like you have had enough contact to be called a close friend any more. Yes, you used to be close but people move on physically and mentally and you can't really be close now unless you were both making a real effort and she clearly hasn't felt the need to make that effort. You probably know very little about her life and what has been happening to her recently and so she doesn't feel like you are one of the people she most wants at the wedding. Does her future husband know you? Has he come on the scene since you left. Maybe if he doesn't know you at all then the limited number of places at the wedding would be best off going to people who know both the bride and the groom. People have budgets for weddings you can't really invite everybody you have ever known, you have to invite those who matter to you in the present. Given you recent history and the distance between you, YABU to think that you should be one of the few.

As for FB I wouldn't delete her. I have a group of school friends who I have as FB friends but I only see two of them any more. I probably wouldn't bother to make the effort to see the rest but it is still nice to keep in touch in a superficial way - it is better than just the annual Christmas card. Occasionally a couple of the others might meet up and it does sting a tiny bit not to be invited but then I think that I have moved on and so have they so I just suck it up.

In the nicest possible way, don't let the lack of the invite bother you - get on with your life, wish your old friend well with hers and get over it.

SuperFlyHigh · 23/10/2014 12:12

OK what I'd do (only as this does happen sometimes) if you are really unhappy etc in this loss of friendship then write a nice letter to her or email. Preferably letter. Explain what you've said here and that you value the friendship. Of course this puts you on the back foot with her but at least you've tried.

years ago I was friends with someone and there was another man involved (her colleague) who was deliberately provocative and rude to me, by email etc. I ended up deleting him and her off FB as I really didn't want the drama involved. But my friend is/was really lovely. Anyway she moved up North after she'd had her DS and then I got a very sweet birthday card from her with her new address and asking me to visit. We are now sporadically in contact but about a year or so ago I wrote her a lovely chatty Xmas card and she wrote back an equally nice card apologising for not being in touch. Sometimes you have to extend the olive branch if you want to save a friendship.

BigBoobiedBertha · 23/10/2014 12:20

The size of the wedding matters too. If it is for 40 people then it is not surprising somebody she doesn't see regularly doesn't make the cut for wedding invites. If it is a wedding for 400 however, then yes, you probably would be justified in being shocked about your lack of invite. There needs to be a little perspective here.

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