Perhaps overthinking this...

[FizzWhizz00]

First time poster, hi everyone.

Recently married. I'm 27, DH will be 30 in August. Living in London currently but plan to move back to Oxfordshire where both our families live at some point. Plan to buy our first home next year hopefully. We do ok financially but not huge salaries.

Perhaps i am overthinking this but when exactly do you decide that the time is right to have your first baby?? I am very very happy with DH (been together 6 years) but AIBU to be nervous/apprehensive about next steps?! We have always spoken of children but it has always been a case of "one day".

At what point do you take the plunge? Should it feel so unvbelieveably enormous a concept?!

Thanks

I suppose ultimately, I wonder whether we buy in London and have baby and stay for a year or two before moving to Oxforshire or do we move first (when we're not really ready to leave London) and then have baby?

Also things like how you manage on one salary, work arrangements etc etc etc. It all seems complicated.

I have always bee told that "if you wait till you think you can afford kids you will never have them".
Personally I would wait until you are back near your family whatever your financial situation as their help will be a godsent for ftp

Congratulations on getting married! Deciding to have a baby is a thing that completely changes your life so it's only natural that you feel nervous about it, even if it's something you both want. We have been trying for over a year and I'm still nervous/anxious about it and we already have a DS so I shouldn't be, but at the end of the day it's a big step to take.

As far as timing goes I don't believe there ever is the perfect time to have a baby, there will always be something that will come up and you could forever put it off. Our first DS was a complete surprise (I was on the pill) and we weren't ready, we weren't married and lived in a small apartment in a big city but it was absolutely perfect and we loved our life. We now live slightly more rural and live in a big house and it's still great. Just do what feels right for you and your DH, work and childcare will always be a tricky one as I think most people have to juggle that if they choose to have a child now or in 10 years time.

The most useful advice I was given on the matter was:

"Don't have one before you want one, but don't wait until you're ready - because you never will be!"

I agree with Imnotawitch - I think the right time is when you start to feel you actually want a baby (even if you are nervous about it too - that's normal!). When does that happen? It varies - I think it's partly hormonal, and partly having reached a point in your life where you feel that the positives would outweigh the sacrifices.

For me, that happened at about 30/31, once DH and I had been together long enough that I felt we'd had a lot of "couple time" and were ready for a huge change. And of course I was influenced by friends having babies too. But hormones undoubtedly played a big part.

Practicalities - well, it's good to be near family IF they will actually be helpful/available and not overbearing. How will yours be...? You have to weigh that against being in a familiar area with friends nearby (who may also be having children) as this can also make the baby days a lot more enjoyable.

It also depends on finances - London has lots of baby activities, but it's not cheap! Will family help with childcare as this makes a big difference financially?

How you manage on one salary: start saving now (this might mean moving...). Look into your work maternity pay arrangements and make sure you qualify for the maximum, ie be there long enough before you TTC. Try living on one salary for a couple of months and see how you do (remember with a small baby you won't be spending much on socialising/hobbies/drinking/holidays etc). If you're still splitting your finances, agree how this would work if one of you isn't earning for a while on mat leave.

Work arrangements: depends a lot on your jobs. Some people go back full time, some can negotiate part time, others find they're not paid enough to cover childcare and so stay home, some find they want to stay home, some couples split the pick ups and drop offs and others have one person do most or all and the other very little.

I have always bee told that "if you wait till you think you can afford kids you will never have them".

Going along with that train of thought but how do you even know when you're able to afford them? How much do you need to be earning?

That statement just opens up more questions imo.

Babies dont cost masses in terms of "stuff" - milk.and nappies really, and there are ways of reducing those costs.

Childcare is the buggest child related expense, from when you return to work to them going to school full time. If you can, have a look.into rough ideas of prices for Nurseries/Childminders in both areas. Its probably better (imo) to have kids once youve moved back home, assuming your family are supportove and hands on in their Grandparenting.

Maternity Pay can be a sucker - however I spent less.on Mat Leave (no commuting costs, had time to shop at greengrocers and butchers which were cheaper than supermarlets) etc.

Dh and I made the decision to Ttc and then said "lets wait a year". We were young enough to be able to do that, but the years gap gave us a chance to really make sure, and to stockpile some savings.

Thanks so much for your replies, very helpful!

DH and I decided to have a baby when we felt we had 'done' enough that we wouldn't look back one day and regret not doing x first. We were married, both had good jobs, had bought a house and had ticked enough off of the bucket list to feel satisfied.

Of course there are things that we (both individually and jointly) never got around to doing first but on the whole it just seemed like a good time. I think some dreams you know you will never actually 'do' anyway.

And we can go backpacking when we are 50......

and yes it is an enormous concept and I too found it a bit overwhelming once we had made the decision to TTC.

This is such a well-timed post for me OP - DH and I are in the exact same position at the moment (minus the relocation).

We would be the first of ALL of our friends to have a baby, so it seems even more overwhelming. We have no examples to compare to and no one to really ask for advice (not ready to talk to people about ttc yet).

Watching with interest!

I know what you mean Tiffany. We too would be among the first to have a baby in our circle of friends.

We actually spoke about this in depth last night and think it would probably be better to buy our first home outside of London. Seems silly to buy in London only to have to repeat the process possibly sooner than would be financially sensible.

Good luck with your plans Tiffany.

That seems like a good decision Fizz, I imagine you can get quite a bit more house for your money in Oxford than London, and then you wouldn't need to move again for quite a while.

It's so exciting to be even thinking about it isn't it. Good luck to you too!

Ah, didn't realise you're looking at buying your first place at the moment?

Schooling in London is a bit of a nightmare and so a lot of people move out when their first child is 3 or so - so you might not get much mileage out of a London purchase.

Wherever you buy, make sure you look carefully at local schools, entry requirements, catchment areas etc (I suspect schooling in Oxford is pretty competitive too!) as you don't want to buy somewhere only to realise later you are just outside the catchment or haven't been attending the right church ...