To ask how you'd react to finding out your OH was buying dope?

[UnintentionalTension]

Bit of background.

DP was a big user of cannabis, ecstacy, LSD and all that dodgy stuff back in his youth (teens, very early 20s). He then got a good job and sorted himself out and had not touched it in years (he's mid 40s now).

I was a small time smoker of cannabis between the ages of 15 and 17. Dabbled with anthetamine but apart from that - all those days ended for me before the age of 18.

So - 2 years ago DP and I went to a festival where we were offered cannabis. It was just the two of us, we'd had a few drinks, no kids with us - we went for it. It was a daft novelty, a chance to be young and stupid again. We both swore it would be a one off.

A year later, at the same festival DP buys cannabis AND ecstacy tablets. Now I was ok with the cannabis (again no kids with us, chance to be young and carefree and the old classic 'everyone there was doing it' but the ecstacy tablet was too far for me and I didn't 'approve' and I made this clear. It made him ill. We swore that would be the last of that behaviour.

A few months later we're in a country reknown for extremely harsh punishments for drug crimes. DP buys a huge bag of cannabis. I panic, say it's all going too far etc etc ... he swore that when we got home he'd never touch it again.

Well I've just seen a message from him to an old school friend asking if he can get hold of any smoke. He's kept this from me which is even worse because now I'm wondering about the extent of it and how long/often has he been doing it if at all? it would certainly explain his recent argumentative and nasty personality.

How would you react to finding out that your OH was trying to get hold of dope behind your back?

Here in the UK it wouldn't bother me and I'd get him to skin up! But anywhere else and I'd be going fucking nuclear at taking a risk for something so silly.

What would bother me MUCH more is the deceit.

The lying is a big problem but I would also lose respect for him over the cannabis buying.

To me it's something you do when you're a teenager and don't have any responsibilities. I'd think it was pretty pathetic in someone with kids and a job tbh.

tbh, i think if you've 'allowed' him to do it as part of your marriage, you don't have a leg to stand on.

What you need to decide is how YOU feel about it, is it the underhand/deceit thats bothering you? Are you concerned if he keeps using that it will lead to other things? Are you bothered about the financial implications as well as the legal ones if he's caught with it? If he was open with you, and you set some ground rules, would you be ok with it, or would you still feel upset/angry at him using..

Those are the questions you need to ask yourself, no-one else can answer them for you because everyones experience and opinion of weed and those who smoke it will differ based on personal circumstance, morals and experiences of/with it.

He would be out of the door. I refuse to spend my life dealing with the fallout of someone elses drug problem.

For me it would be a deal breaker, which is quite extreme but my brother is an addict and I swore when I left home that I'd never live with a drug user again. Your situation is somewhat different but I can't believe he would put you both at risk in a country where you could both have got long spells in prison just so he could skin up.

Id be more worried about the deceit/lying than the cannabis too. There are plenty of people out there who smoke cannabis but are perfectly good parents/hold down a job etc, i dont believe its any more pathetic than those who have a alcoholic drink to relax for example, just one is legal, the other is not.

buying it in a country with severe drug laws, why did he take that risk?
If hes been using it, has he been using anything harder?

I would tell you not to worry too much if you were in the UK. But the fact that you are somewhere that may have draconian penalties for this really concerns me. I wonder if this is a bit of a midlife issue for your DH, and whether that risk-taking is part of the lure of it? I definitely think you should sit down and discuss in as dispassionate and rational a way as you can, since your position is sensible and well-considered.

He'd be out the door the moment I found out. Cannot abide drug use or smoking and he knows this so would understand the consequences of doing either.

Well, he's a liar isn't he and that's a deal breaker as far as I am concerned

No matter the wrongs and rights of habitual drug use (and yes, it looks like he is an habitual user) it's the deceit that wrecks relationships, but mostly the way he amade an assumption that you were stupid

Not much respect for you there

I'd kick him out. For the lying as much as the drug use.

Never taken them myself and would never have made a life with someone who did either.

So he'd be gone. For every reason mentioned above.

I see two sides to this.

Drug use is fine when you're in YOUR comfort zone with it.
The fact he's been lying about it.

I couldn't abide my partner lying about that, if someone in a marriage wants to do something they have every right to. However, their partner should have the right to know too, if only to make the decision on whether they want to continue with the relationship or not if it is a deal breaker to them.