To want to speak to relatives about this?

[Doingtheschoolrun]

I posted the other day about my relative being in hospital and me doing the school run for her. It seems IWBU but with good reason (anxiety) so I was wondering if it's the same with this situation.

Basically, my relative was in hospital for a good few days. We kept in touch and she reassured me that keeping her in was purely a precaution while they ran tests/got results, but that all the tests were coming back clear.

The day after discharge, she told me that one of the tests had shown up something to be concerned about (but on following it up, it was fine).

This has made me extremely anxious. It would appear she lied to me, meaning now how can I trust anything she says in regard to her medical condition?

I get that she probably kept it from me initially so as not to worry me- but I am being assessed for possible ASD, and diagnosed with anxiety and depression, so don't react in a normal way to things like this. The withholding of information has actually made me react worse than if she had told me when she found out.

I realise that the time to discuss this was probably when she told me the information in the first place, just something like 'oh, you didn't tell me that when you were in hospital' but I was too busy trying to keep my anxiety symptoms under control so as not to have a full blown panic attack.

So I want DH to bring it up casually and mention that if they kept the information from me in an attempt to protect me, they'd be better off just telling me (DH to bring it up because I know I'll get upset/have a panic attack or something). DH thinks they probably just 'forgot' to tell me (can't accept that excuse when they specifically told me what tests had been done and that the results were all fine) and thinks I'm better off just forgetting about it. But I can't, I've had anxiety attacks every day since finding out and can barely speak to the person in question because it's the only way I can keep my emotions in control.

I know that in the long term I need to get the anxiety under control- I am doing my best, I am on medication and waiting for a psychiatrist referral to come through- but in the meantime who IBU? Me or DH? Should I try to forget about things or do I bring it up?

Oh, and I know that really I have no right to know medical details, and if she wanted to keep them completely private and say nothing other than 'I'm in hospital for a few days' that would be fine. I'm struggling with her telling me things at a later date, either tell me when it's relevant or don't tell me at all.

Forget about it. It's a non issue. People are under no obligation to disclose anything medically, even to close family. And this issue wasn't even an issue.

X post. Still, a non issue. You should try to move on.

Op you were unreasonable in your previous thread and still are now. You seem to be making your relative's health issue all about you. They probably didn't say anything because a) it's personal b) might not have wanted to worry you c) was worried themselves and didn't want to talk to anyone.
You will really stress your relative out by now going back to bring up THEIR health issue.
You really need to let this go.

You will never be able to control what other people do or say - you have to learn to manage your own reaction to that. Clearly you are aware of that, and are taking steps to deal with it. You can't forget about it - but you need to move on from it. Nothing you or DH say or do will change what happened in the past.

You're working yourself up into a state! She obviously knows you'd worry and was trying to keep you from the state you've gotten into.

Leave it alone and be happy that she loves you enough to think of you instead of themselves.
Sit down with a cup of whatever soothes you and think of all the lovely things you have going for you.
Then go get her a bunch if flowers.
for you too.

I think pp hit the nail on the head, your medical condition does not mean full frontal disclosure on every aspect of this family member's test etc...she is entitled to tell you bits as and when she wishes.

I didn't tell anyone except DH when I had tests. If there was something nasty I would need time to deal with it myself before letting anyone else know. It's natural, I think.

Try to remember it's about your relative and not about you. In this case her feelings are more important than yours.

I just have time to answer a few things before going to work.

sunna up till now, as far as I know, this relative has been completely upfront and honest with us. She has already had 'something nasty' happen, and we (DH and I) were part of her support team helping her through it.

I realise this thread is very 'me, me, me' but isn't that half the point of AIBU/mumsnet? We can say things we wouldn't dream of in RL? In RL I try very hard not to let me anxiety impact on others, hence why I'm trying so hard to keep my feelings under control, but that's easier said than done, they have to come out somewhere.

It's most definitely you who is being unreasonable. As others have said, the only way out of this is to manage your own anxiety, with help and support, because you clearly have significant issues here. I do feel for you and it's good that you are seeking help.

You will never be able to control what other people say or do.

It is not fair to put pressure on your relative (even casually) when she has just had health worries of her own.

Hope you manage to get appropriate support and can feel better soon.

YABU

She didn't lie to you. She had tests and she was given the all clear. All she's done is fill you in with some extra details about why she had some of the tests. You're twisting it to make it all about you.

One of our DC was seriously ill recently. While we were trying to process information and trying to support DC we were bombarded with texts and calls from a family member demanding to know how DC was, what the docs had said that day etc. Wasn't content with "we'll let you know any changes". They made DC's illness all about them. I find it really hard to speak to them now.

Don't be that person.

YABU. Your relative has the right to keep her medical information confidential. You don't have the right to expect that you will be told everything, and from your OP, I can see why your relative doesn't, actually.

Just back off.

She might not have told you at the time because she was scared and didn't want to discuss it with anyone. She might feel she can discuss it with you now because the threat of it is over.

Your own issues are making you blow this out of all proportion, your relative didn't lie to you. It sounds like at the stage they said everything was fine, there was nothing sinister to report, there was just another follow up test needed. When your relative was told that this test was going to need to be followed up, she was probably also told it wasn't a huge thing to need to worry about, which turned out to be right.

Your DH has no reason to bring this up with them, and it would be unfair of you to try and push him to do so. No good will come of it, let it go.

I understand that your own mental health issues are distorting your ability to be rational about things, I do. And yes, it's good that you're using MN as a check. I hope it will help you to stay to understand, if not accept, that you are indeed being completely unreasonable in what you're asking of them. I hope you can continue to access real life help and support too.

Agree with others - you would be unreasonable to bring this up and say your relative should have handled it differently. She handled it how it was best for her. I sympathise with your struggles and anxiety, but your relative is the most important person in this particular scenario. It is fine for you to have a vent about your feelings but don't let it spill over into real life. You would cause stress to another person who has just had health problems. Please try and see it from that point of view.

I think if you want your DH to have a generalised 'word' with people close to you about how you manage situations best and your anxiety then that is fine, but is a completely separate issue to this your relative's hospital stay and you should leave time for the dust to settle on this before you broach it. Don't use the hospital stay as an example.

However, even then, you will not be able to expect that people will then behave just as you need them to in every situation. They will still act in uncontrollable ways and for unpredictable reasons. You need to manage your own expectations and reactions to others.

If you're likely to play out a scenario like this over and over in your head, you need to find a way of 'getting it out' and getting some relief from it that doesn't involve the other person. Can you maybe agree with your DH to help you talk things over in a certain way that helps you?

She told you the truth! On following up the test there was nothing to worry about ergo there was nothing to worry about.

A diagnosis is not always obvious straight away. Often tests are needed to rule out serious things and the picture changes as the test results come in.

Tests are not infallible. All of them have a certain false positive and false negative rate. Sometimes if one result does not fit everything else it would be repeated and come back ok suggesting it was a false positive. It happens a lot.

Medicine involves a lot of uncertainty. There are rarely 100% black and white answers. There is an evolving picture on the balance of probability. She gave you the headline rather than a blow by blow account. This is fine

Please don't have your husband bring this up with her. I know you're just using MN as a sounding board, but you are really out of line to even consider bringing this up. My dad is going through some tests and health worries at the minute, it's horrible and hard for all of us. I know he's keeping some bits and pieces from us, that's his choice, the way he does things. He wants all the info for himself first, he needs to understand it, figure out what he may have to do, before dealing with anybody else's feelings.

Thank you for all the comments and advice.

I think I will do what spook says and at a later time, DH and I will bring up the subject of my anxiety and how I manage situations best, but keep it general.

By the way spook this is my way of getting it out without involving the other person. I mean, I talk to DH but I think he is often afraid of saying the 'wrong' thing and making me feel worse, when actually sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. At least on here you know you'll (mostly) get the truth even if it is a bit blunt at times.

I just wish I could understand other people, they're so different to the way that I think and feel about things. Obviously I have done a good job of acting like everybody else to get to adulthood without any problems being picked up, but that's all it is, acting. It's like if you were learning a foreign language, you can learn that if someone says 'bonjour, ca va?' you reply 'ca va bien, merci' without actually knowing what the words mean.

Some of you have given me some very plausible ideas of why she might have acted as she did, ideas that would never have occurred to me by myself, so thank you for that.