Not to back H up?

[Hmmmwhatnow]

On MN and in RL you are told time and again kids will divide and conquer and if you disagree with your partner you should never say anything at the time, just discuss afterwards.

Do you all always do this? And what if the course of action is one you don't want your kids to see you agreeing with?

What was the scenario?

I always back my H up, as he does for me

If there is anything we don't agree with we talk it over in private away from the children but we're usually on the same page

Of course this only works if no one involved is abusive etc

I would only intervene if safety was an issue or if DH was encouraging nasty or rude behaviour. But he is very safety conscious and isn't a twat so I don't envisage those problems arising.

It depends on what the situation is. It's not a hard and fast rule, it works with judging each situation.

If you don't agree, then unless he's saying or doing something actively harmful that needs nipping in the bud there and then, you discuss in private.

It's not about blindly going along with what your partner says and does. It's about agreeing on an approach, up front, particularly if you have kids who can be challenging.

My first loyalty is to my husband. Always.

Always Magic? Even if he hurt your children?

In front of the kids? I would never contradict him so if, for example, he's said bedtime at 8, I would not reply no, kids, go at 9. (ignore your dad) In those cases, if I felt strongly, I'd get him by himself and say my bit and we'd agree and if we agreed that he was in the wrong then HE would go to the kids and say actually, chaps, I have changed my mind... I wouldn't say I've said dad can't...

but if we were having a conversation about something either in front of the kids or including the kids, and he said (for example) what do you think about bedtime at 8, I'd certainly say yes, sounds ok, or we could watch a film first and that would mean bedtime at 9/I think 8 is a bit early, how would you feel about 9

because while I don't think it is acceptable for the children to see one parent saying (basically) no, I don't care what you just said, we are doing this instead, I think it is good for the children to see parents discussing something, exchanging views, listening to each other's views and reaching agreement.

I know that's really badly put together, but I hope you can wade through it and get what I mean

I'd like to say we always back each other up and obviously know that ultimately it's the right thing to do. Especially in front of the children.

However, 15 years down the line and in the real world there have been times when we haven't always had the same view in parenting, we have sometimes disagreed in front of the boys, and we have sometimes been snippy about it.

The boys seem unperturbed by it all to be honest and have grown into lovely teens who know that it's not all plain sailing and it's ok to disagree at times. They do however know which parent to ask first for specific things

I agree with Vital

One parent over-ruling the other, or ignoring what the other said, is a bad idea. It might make them think that they can also ignore it, or it might make them think that is how people should interact.

Seeing a reasonable discussion where you might start with different ideas but come to an agreement/compromise - that's a good model for them to see.

It depends on ages. When mine were little, ex and I and DH and I would never contradict or undermine the other parent and any disagreements would be kept well away from the dc.

Now that they are much older, we do allow them to see that we disagree on some things, and they get their input too. The main rule is respect for others opinions no matter how much we disagree, and a compromise has to be found. They already know that parents parent differently from their friends, and the fact that they have seen grandparents, aunts, teacher and parents have different house rules or whatever, so I think it's good for them to see that their adults don't always agree, but they do resolve issues.

It depends. I remember once a bookshelf collapsed and dh, who wasn't there at the time, decided the dc must have climbed on it and was very angry, shouting at them and telling me they were lying when they denied it. They were very upset and told me that no-one had been in the room at the time, they'do simply heard the noise from downstairs. The shelf was severely overloaded and not very strong, the dc weren't known to climb, and I completely believed them. It was a time when dh was generally being a bad-tempered sod and I'd had enough of it; trying to reason him out of it hadn't worked.

So when I went to speak to him about it and said I believed the shelf had simply given way under the weight, he began shouting again. I interrupted him and said I wasn't going to put up with his shouting, he knew perfectly well that the shelf had been overloaded and had no reason to assume that the dc had broken it, and he was being totally unfair. He was quite taken aback that I'd stood up to him, the dc realised that I wasn't going to back dh blindly when he was being unfair, and dh ultimately had the grace to admit it. Winner all round.

Pfft no.

Whoever is wrong is told they are wrong.
The kids should respect us, and do, but pretending adults are always right is silly.

And what if the course of action is one you don't want your kids to see you agreeing with? When there is abuse or neglect.

We are on the same page generally regarding how we treat them/discipline (or lack of!)/expected behaviour etc, but if one of us thinks the other is being too harsh or too lenient, we will speak up in front of the DC. I don't see a massive problem with them seeing that their parents occasionally have slight differences of opinion. We certainly don't undermine each other (I would never tell them they could do something DH had told them not to) but TBH I've never been in the position where I've even wanted to, so it's all worked out

I think that this advise it is very over-used and even wrong in some cases (abuse either physical or emotional).
It is very hard for a parent to stand there watching something and not saying anything so i dont see it as the crime of the century. I knpw it is not ideal etc but the way some people react when a parent -usually a mother- does it you would think that she has murdered someone.

Also children can learn about disagreeing and negotiating.

Totally agree with Laquitar and others.

I will 'undermine' my dh and he me if the other is being twatty.

If you have a system whereby you blindly side with your spouse then you are not actually parenting to the best of your abilities imo.