To tell my mum to stop buying my kids stuff

[5toocoolforschool]

Bit of background,my mum had me very young,she came from a relatively deprived background money wise and when i was 6 she met my step-dad who was relatively wealthy (own building business).

I didn't always live with her when i was little so i didn't ever have a great bond and we used to argue a lot,she had no patience and didn't/doesn't seem to know to to be nice to people,other than buying them things.

I had lots growing up (again relatively) but never had any attention or time with my mum (or any parents) and in hindsight i can see i was a bit of an ungrateful little shit,but no surprise there really.

I have 5 children and i live at the other end of the country,so we don't see her much,although every now and then (like at the moment when im doing something she agrees with like sending them to school instead of home schooling them) she will send me parcels every day and buy loads of stuff (without me asking)

In the last month she has bought me a new fridge,a freezer (i already had both f those but she came to stay and decided it wasn't good enough) she said my husband (soon to be ex) didn't do good enough shopping so has done an online shop for me (which i know some people would love but it was mostly pizza and sweets) she has sent the kids parcels every day with sweet,chocolate and clothes,and she has also bought them tickets to a panto on boxing day,which means we now cant go down to visit dh family for Christmas (also far away, my mum isn't planning on coming here either) AND she has bought the 3 older kids (4,5 and 6) a hudl each for Christmas.

So, aibu to think that this is all just too much?

We are not poor by anyone's standards and my children have plenty,too much if anything.

I don't give them sweets regularly but they are allowed them when they are there (parties,friends houses etc) and i also find it weird that my mum would want to get them into that stuff,up until last year she weighed 21 stone,its taken her so much effort to lose it all and now shes feeding my children up on crap.

What would you do?

I would grin and bear it for everything except the things that harm the children, and explain why as gently as you can, and ask for something different (like a fruit and vegetable delivery?) or give her a special role, perhaps reading a story to them every day on skype? And have her to visit more often.

It is lovely that she is so generous, but you must be at your tether with it.

Sounds like your DM associates buying things as showing love. You said you had a lot growing up but not her time or attention. She's now doing the same with your children.

I don't know how you could say anything without offending her, but would it matter so much if you did offend her? She sounds rather rude to decide your appliances weren't good enough so she bought replacements, which to me is way overstepping the mark. If my DM bought me a fridge and freezer I had no need for, I wouldn't accept them. With the Boxing Day tickets, I would say, "Thank you DM but we already have plans." You don't just buy someone tickets for Christmas-time without checking they have plans first. Odd.

Yes Betty that's what i don't want to happen, i feel like she is taking over and that the kids are going to expect this all the time and that all the things we previously did wont be good enough.I dont want them to be brats.

They keep saying to people "i like my nan because she buys me loads of stuff" i wish she would just give them a bit of attention when she comes,instead of sitting there feeding them shit out of what seems like some kind of mary poppins style bag of never ending crisps sweets and chocolate!

You know what, it's not worth the hassle. Open the packages away from the kids, give them the bits 'from Nanny' that you think are appropriate, use the other bits as 'treats', donations, presents or whatever.

The Hudl's are great presents from a Nana for Christmas.

Either change your plans willingly for Boxing Day or ask her if she can change the date because you can't go that day. If she says she can't simply say 'Oh that's a shame, if you had asked me first I could have told you we wouldn't be able to go that day. Shall I send them back to you or give the to a friend'

My parents spoil my kids rotten (mostly with affection) and I let them. I think it is nice, even if it can be thoughtless. If you are splitting up from your husband maybe your kids can enjoy a bit of spoiling? You can play power games of who is the boss, but I am not sure it will help in the long run. Pick your battles....

Could you aim her in a different direction, perhaps suggest savings accounts she can pay into instead of pressies all the time.

The new fridge/freezer without asking would really annoy me as would the online shop. Again tell her you appreciate it but could she get you m&s/tesco/sainsburys vouchers to do the food shopping if she wants to buy stuff.

As for the sweets and clothes. You could donate sweets to local food bank and clothes to charity if they aren't suitable

Hudls for Christmas are a wonderful and generous present.

Maybe with ongoing parcels. just channel her into pressies you would prefer her to get your children?

Some people equate food with love. We share food, we offer to others (crisps, biscuits, chocolate) to indicate social acceptance. You offer food from your table to guests to indicate welcome. Portion sizes are often used as an indication of 'love'.

This is why your mother is buying sweets and you food. By your own admission she wasnt a very good mother to you, this is how she is trying to repair the situation.

Your children wont be brats because nana gave them a twix