... to wish for more from tired, stressed husband?

[NaughtyMarietta1935]

Hi everyone :)

I do actually think I am being unreasonable, but I still feel depressed by my situation. Sorry if this is long!

My husband works overnight, long hours, which enables me to be a sahm. He arrives home as I wake up, and he wakes up around dinner time. My boys are 6 and 1, and the little one likes to bed in bed early, so I know my husband doesn't see as much of him and he would like. He does spend more quality time with the older one, as he goes to bed later.

The responsibility for household chores, school run, meals, baths, homework, laundry, gardening, DIY is all mine. I don't mind, because I know how lucky I am to be able to stay home with the baby. And I know my husband works very hard - he has a terribly stressful job. But even though he has nothing to do at home, there never seems to be any time for me.

I can't remember the last time we had a real conversation. Free time in the evenings before he leaves for work is spent watching catchup on his phone, or YouTube. He likes reading in the garden with a cigarette. I don't think he's being intentionally unkind, but he doesn't seem to feel the need to talk with me or engage. He never says thank you for anything - I work my socks off to keep a sparkling house, make nice meals, do everything for the kids, but nothing ever merits praise.

I did put on weight with the last baby, and still haven't lost it. I don't think I look awful, and I really do want to lose the extra, but I feel a bit hopeless - hubby never notices if I put on makeup or nice clothes, never compliments me, hugs me, kisses me. Just nothing. Our sex life is non-existent (I suppose it doesn't help that he spends his free time in the evenings looking at playboy, or watching porn... I feel as though I'm the lowest priority, and it doesn't help my confidence).

Seriously, am I being unreasonable to expect him to work so hard and make a little time for me as well? Is it unreasonable to want him to notice how hard I work sometimes? Just one word of thanks or praise would be lovely! I don't need much of his time, only a hug or a five minute chat... I suppose if our situations were reversed, I would want to make the effort, because I love him so much and enjoy nothing more than his company. But when he finds me unattractive and boring I suppose it's a bit much to ask :(

What should I do...

get this moved into relationships for a start, then kick his sorry ass.

YANBU to expect him to appreciate and notice you.

Have you ever brought it up with him? Spelled out exactly how you feel?

If you did how did it go?

He'd rather watch porn than pay attention or even have sex with his wife in RL? I'd be really
Sorry but it doesn't seem very fair on you op xx

Thank you ZigZag.

No, we've never had a conversation about it. I only told him I felt lonely and wanted his company once, and his response was that he was frustrated with everything 'as well', including work. If I ever have mentioned feeling upset or hurt about something in the past, his response is to say he feels that way too, about other things, and I end up comforting him - my feelings and the original topic just seem to go by the wayside.

Thanks Weelass.

It does upset me and I feel hurt that I can't measure up to his standards. But if I told him so, it would doubtless hurt me even more to hear it from his own mouth :(

He doesn't sound as though he cares for you ever

Maybe you need to say it a bit more firmly and not let it get turned around so it becomes all about him.

You're important too!

Just because he works in a stressful job doesn't mean his feelings trump yours every single time.

How long would you say you've felt like this about him?

It's a bit odd that you feel so strongly but have only talked to him once about it, what is it that's stopping you?

My husband and I are the same, we are so busy working and parenting that we are not much of a couple. We never do things just the two of us. Saturday morning he takes the boys to football I take the girl to ballet. He goes to the supermarket while I cook lunch. In the afternoon I take the kids out while he does jobs around the house or goes running. Sunday morning he takes them all swimming while I catch up on housework and in the afternoon we try to do stuff as a family. One afternoon a week. As a a couple we do nothing, we have no spare cash! Actually, I take him out on his birthday and we go out on our anniversary. That is it. Twice a year.

I think that is what is hardest about having young children, you are passing ships in the night, just focussed on surviving and not raising psychopaths. I think if your marriage is strong you weather those years, if not it crumples.

I am, however, insistent that he has as little fun as me. It can't be the same one doing all the work.

He says he does - he says the right things, you see, when he does talk to me! But he never shows me. Won't hold my hand in public. It's horrible to be an embarrassment to him.

I mentioned his work as he deals with so much stress every night, I don't want to add to the burden, and I feel as though he's stuck there, hating it, to enable me to be home with the baby. I just don't want to be the cause of more aggravation for him.

I think my self-confidence has taken a real nose-dive since ds2 was born last year. I had terrible post-part ump depression and I really needed his support - nothing doing. So I seem to have been feeling this way since then. Before, I had more confidence, and thought I could prove myself to him in some way. Now I feel that nothing I ever do will be enough!

Zigzag... I suppose because I have so little confidence! I'm afraid of what he would say. I adore him - it hurts me to feel that he finds me unattractive, but if he told me so and I knew it for sure, I would be heartbroken. I know how pathetic that sounds!

Thank you for your replies though :)

Thanks Sapat - you two sound like a wonderful team! You are right of course when you compare it with passing ships in the night.

I think what hurts me is that my husband has plenty of free time in the evenings to relax, time that we could spend together, but he doesn't want or need to interact with me. He wants his downtime, and I need some affection, and I want us to meet in the middle somewhere.

Thanks for your words of encouragement :)

Could you suggest possibly one night a week for the two of you to spend an evening together before work? Like "Let's make Wednesday evening before you leave for work 'our' evening, OK? We can just snuggle on the sofa and watch a show or even play cards. Just so that we're doing it together. No You Tube, no games. Just us."

What does he do on his days off? My DH used to work graveyard, too, but on his overnights off he was usually awake a little earlier & went to sleep a little later. Could you carve out some 'us time' then?

If he won't agree to 'our time', then I think you have more of a problem than you realize. But the problem isn't YOU.

Also, grab some time off for yourself. Could you put the baby in the creche and go swimming/to the gym?

Or leave the DC with him for an hour or two at the weekend and just go for a coffee?

I think you need to take some control of your own time and happiness a bit as well as wanting time/appreciation from him. That's not said as a criticism - just that you can make yourself feel, at least in part, better without depending on his compliance.

It doesn't sound pathetic at all, and I know exactly what you mean.

It's possible then that he really hasn't got a clue, and isn't likely to if you're not giving off any signals that something's amiss?

Agree with the other posters saying you should try and carve a space out for yourself, demand it if needs be, drag that confidence you had before your DS2 was born back out. Maybe try and remember some of the things you did then, think of the thought processes you had.

It sounds as though you suspect he doesn't love you any more, if that's how you feel though, doesn't he deserve a chance to remind you that he does (even at the risk of him saying something you don't want to hear, but really, if he doesn't make you feel important and loved when you do tell him how you feel, would you really want to stay with a man like that?)

Working nights makes people wierd. It's profoundly uncomfortable to be going to work when othe rpeople are knocking off and wanting to chill out and play when everyone else is going to work. But there shjould be a way of getting both you and your H to have time off. Either you spell each other or agree ot pay someone totake DC every week.

You sound like you have really low self confidence, and are thus attributing his behaviour to him not liking you or being embarrassed by you, and yet nothing that you've said suggests he thinks either of those things. He is being an arse obvo, but not because if the reasons you think, possibly he just is knackered and doesnt realise.
Talk to him.
Go out in the evenings to do a hobby for you once kids are asleep to get your confidence back.

Could you make a date in the evenings. Arrange half an hour with him so you can do something together even if it's just playing cards, a board game? As you said he's not intentionally being unkind just a bit head in the sand. I would say you appreciate he needs down time but you need a bit of interaction too I'd say he hasn't changed but your confidence has.

My dh is the mist unaffectionate person you can meet and we suffered from this when he started working nights as only time we cuddled and talked was in bed at night. He would never hold hands in public.

Date nights can help tremendously too, getting out without the kids. Perhaps a spa day where you both can relax?

Also get out more, have more adult interaction. When I was a sahm I realised I was desperate for dh interaction because I'd been alone with the kids all day. I felt much better when I was out at toddler groups, baby groups even just meeting friends as then I'd have something to talk to dh about.

You sound like you are fulfilling the role of his mother, not his wife.

Behaviour like this will slowly kill your relationship. You need to talk, tell him that the porn has to go. Men who watch a lot of porn rarely have a high opinion of the females in their life. If you want to save your marriage then all this has to come out into the open so changes can be made.

Initially it sounded like he had very little free time to himself and just needed some 'down' time but if he is spending it watching porn then it's not healthy for anyone in this family.

First things first, put a stop to the porn watching. Does that free up some time for him to have actual human interactions with his family, including you OP?

If so, you might be able to work together to rebuild a relationship but he would first need to agree to a) stop watching porn and b) commit to making the necessary changes in his behaviour towards you.

If he won't do both of those then there is no hope and you might as well officially call time on the relationship. It's over anyway, whether you confront that or not is up to you.

Working nights and being the sole earner for four will be stressful without his job being hard as well.

Can he look at days jobs to improve the time he has at home and you also look for something so as to share the burden.

YANBU to want him to spend time with and talk to you. I think you should mention it, maybe he doesn't realise how he comes across? He should be making time to spend with you as well, even though his job is stressful. Talking to someone about it, or just chatting in general, may help him too.

I only think YABU in expecting him to thank you for doing the housework and looking after the kids unless you also thank him for going out to work. Both are equally as important.

It sounds like something has to change, fast. If working nights is taking its toll then he needs to look into another job.

And stop this utter rubbish about being "lucky" you can stay home with the baby. He is just as "lucky" that all he has to do is go to work, he doesn't have to worry about his children, his home, his food, his clothes, nothing. He has a free live-in maid who dearly loves his children and gives them the best care possible. He has a job, and a family, while all you have is a family. Which is not nothing, but overall he is benefitting more from the situation.

This sounds like a really difficult situation and, like someone else said above, I did think it sounded like your husband had very little time too... until you mentioned the porn.

I agree with others though, I think you definitely need to tell him how you feel. If he doesn't want to listen, tough. He needs to listen! And you both need to take some time to spend together, as a couple, without the kids.

Hmm. How much would you have to earn to cover what he would lose in working day shifts? It would be better for him as night work isn't great for health, and the other stuff could be more evenly shared. Getting out of the house may help your confidence too!