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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not force 5yo DD to sleep out?

18 replies

NaiceNickname · 18/10/2014 12:32

DD used to love staying out, mainly at my mums house as she lives very local, DHs mum she only sees every few months (but only lives 15 miles away)

I am 32 weeks pregnant, and since becoming pregnant she has become really quite attached to me and doesn't want to stay out because she 'will miss me too much'. I understand she is probably just feeling a bit anxious about the new baby and wants us to herself whilst she still can.

Anyway - DHs mum has asked if DD wants to stay the night tonight, and she doesn't. Just mentioning it to her yesterday resulted in her crying all the way to school with a sore tummy, which I think was her just feeling anxious as she's done this a few times before when something has been worrying her.

She stayed at my mums a few weeks ago for the first time since pre pregnancy but it was a lot of work talking her into it, but was mostly fine once there and let me leave no problem with distraction.

She is adamant she doesn't want to stay out tonight though at DHs mums. There is no reason for her to stay out, we aren't going out or anything. DHs mum suggested just not telling her and leaving her there which I point blank refused, and she didn't reply to my text yesterday when she asked if she was still saying and I replied with the truth - not sure, it's not looking likely.

I get the feeling DH would like her to stay at his mums, he often has little digs if her staying at my mums is suggested (and refused except for that time a few weeks ago) but I think that would be easier for her as she sees her most days and not every few months like his mum.

AIBU to not force her to stay out? The way I see it is we can still visit his mum tonight when he finishes work, and I won't settle knowing that she won't be happy so it's kind of pointless for all of us?

I feel bad that she won't stay there, I don't want her to take it personally but I'm not really prepared to make DD unhappy just to spare anyone else's feelings, even my own mums.

Fully prepared to be told to get a grip and make her stay, rod for own back etc!

OP posts:

micah · 18/10/2014 12:37

Nope, I wouldn't force my child to stay anywhere they didn't want to, and especially without me.

I'd be telling grandparents there'll be no sleepovers until dd is ready, so no point asking.

I think with all the changes and new baby, continuity and security is very important. She needs to know you're not just going to send her away against her wishes.

Gruntfuttock · 18/10/2014 13:00

"I'm not really prepared to make DD unhappy just to spare anyone else's feelings, even my own mums."

Quite right too. YADNBU.

PiperIsOrange · 18/10/2014 13:04

What is the plan for when you go into labour.

You have 8 weeks to get DD used to staying away the night.

jellyboatsandpirates · 18/10/2014 13:06

but I'm not really prepared to make DD unhappy just to spare anyone else's feelings, even my own mums

This. Why force her to go if she really doesn't want to?

LadyLuck10 · 18/10/2014 13:07

Yanbu, she is not some toy to be passed around. She doesn't want to go, so don't force her. Imagine her there distressed and anxious, why put that on her.

HappyNap · 18/10/2014 13:09

YADNBU. If she doesn't want to stay, don't force her. But do prepare that she may have to when you go into labour?

Lottiedoubtie · 18/10/2014 13:09

Yadnbu. There's no need for it. Staying at granny's is meant to be a treat for the child. If she doesn't feel like it's a treat what's the point? Just to appease Granny? No, I wouldn't do it on those grounds.

Although the pp does have a point about the need to prepare her for where she'll be sleeping when you're in labour.

hollie84 · 18/10/2014 13:12

She'll have to cope when the OP is in labour, but I don't see the point in upsetting her now when it isn't necessary?

The OP has said that she has stayed away in the past so it's not like a totally new thing. If she's anxious about staying away at the moment then forcing her to do so isn't going to make her less anxious.

Original poster

NaiceNickname · 18/10/2014 13:14

Piper, my mum lives a few streets away and could come and stay here, day or night.

If she really had to stay out for whatever reason then I'm sure I could somehow talk her into it, with a lot of tears from her... But she doesn't. My own mum understands it's just a clingy phase but I get the feeling that DHs mum is rather annoyed that she won't stay, same for DH even though he says he doesn't want to upset her unnecessarily, I think he would actually leave her there if it wasn't for me saying no. He's even suggested taking clothes and PJs when we visit tonight 'just in case'.

OP posts:

maras2 · 18/10/2014 13:16

Holy God.What is it with some GP's? If DD doesn't want to stay over then she doesn't stay over.End of.No argy bargy.No guilt tripping.I speak as a granny who frequently has all 3 DGC's staying over ( not all at once ) But kids can be unpredictable and if my DGC's should decide even at the last minute that they didn't want to,neither me nor their parents would insist on them staying.Congratulations on your pregnancy,hope all goes well.

PintOfTea · 18/10/2014 13:17

I wouldn't make her. Your dh needs to pack it in with the 'little digs' too.

PiperIsOrange · 18/10/2014 13:17

Then I see no reason to upset her unnesserary.

Your mum sounds like she has her granddaughter feelings at heart.

BramwellBrown · 18/10/2014 16:05

yanbu. I love DD staying at my mums but would never upset her by pushing it if she didn't want to, and Mum would never ask me to because sleepovers at grandmas are meant to be a fun treat for DD, not something she feels she has to do.

skyeskyeskye · 18/10/2014 17:27

DD who is 6yo can be clingy sometimes. We have a cuddle blanket and a soft toy that I "charge up" with Mummy cuddles, so that wherever she is, she can hug the toy or the blanket and it is just like mummy cuddling her. DD has to go to her dad EOW, so always takes these two things with her. She also takes them if she stays at my mums. So if she gets scared in the night then she can cuddle them and feel reassured.

YANBU to not make her go. But if you want to encourage her to sleep over, then the above may help her to feel safe and not miss you so much.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 18/10/2014 17:43

YANBU to not force her, if shes forced to go, she might feel unwanted at home and shes obviously anxious about the new baby as it is.

aermingers · 18/10/2014 18:58

I'm wondering how much she is picking this up from you? I can understand your MILs point of view. Your own mother seems to be very involved in her life and it seems like you are shutting your MIL out a bit. I can see it would be very hurtful to her for the other grandmother to have DD to stay but when she asks if she can have an overnight excuses are made. I think the fact that your DH is keen for her to have more contact too means that he feels his Mum is not getting a fair deal.

Could you suggest an alternative? Like a day out activity or some way they can spend the day together without doing an overnight? Or could MIL come and stay overnight at your house?

I think you need to make some sort of compromise because I really can see how this would be very hurtful, particularly when she has overnighted with her other Gran.

Purplepoodle · 18/10/2014 19:58

She stayed at my mums a few weeks ago for the first time since pre pregnancy but it was a lot of work talking her into it, but was mostly fine once there and let me leave no problem with distraction.

But you spent lots of time talking her into staying at your mum - why?

PiperIsOrange · 18/10/2014 20:02

Perhaps op knows her mum would bring dd home if she was too unsettled, but MIL wouldn't.

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