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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like a crap mother.

23 replies

Spaceboundeminem · 18/10/2014 11:46

I have three dc dc1 was difficult to potty train and only just managed in time for pre school. He was a late talker now at age 8 he is being assessed for as and adhd.

Dc2 has autism and didn't potty train till age 5 and didn't speak till 4 1/2.

Dc3 is 3 yo has a speech delay is due to start school in November but I can't potty train her.

I hear lots of stories of children being potty trained age 2 and on my FB feed its full of children younger than dc3 talking better.

I feel like I'm doing something wrong. When I really have tried my best.

OP posts:
WeirdCatLady · 18/10/2014 12:04

In what way are you a bad mother??

Because your children have additional needs?
Because someone else's child was potty trained and composing symphonies at 6 months?

Unless you are locking your children in dark cupboards all day then it is nothing you are doing wrong. It's just the way they are. Which is fine :)

Every mum is different, every child is wonderful and unique.

Have Cake and Brew and Flowers

Nanny0gg · 18/10/2014 12:08

Rubbish!

You have three children you love who, yes, have additional needs. That isn't your fault it's just the way they are.

And I'm sure you're doing everything you can for them. But you can't hurry nature. They'll do what they can in the time they can do it.

And there's many an NT child who hasn't talked at 6 months or been dry by 2 so please don't stress yourself about it.

Iggi999 · 18/10/2014 12:16

You sound like you are doing a great job under difficult circumstances. Not rushing them is part of being a good mother. And fb is the work of the devil.

skylark2 · 18/10/2014 12:16

Why would you feel like a bad mother when your kids have additional needs which are likely to lead to them being slow to potty train?

FWIW, my kids were potty trained before they were 3 - but when it came to getting phonics, or basic coordination like jumping with both feet together or riding a bike, or skills like tying shoelaces? Way behind the average. It's not like DD's uni application depended on any of them :)

Original poster
Spaceboundeminem · 18/10/2014 12:45

Thanks all I am just feeling upset that I can't toilet train dd in time for pre school so they won't let her go.

OP posts:
Amiable · 18/10/2014 13:02

I feel your pain. DS is "normal" but only really got the hang of toilet training, and came out of nappies over the summer - around his 4th birthday.

He was in nursery last year (and the staff did put quite a lot of pressure on us initially), and he has just gone into reception - we honestly thought he was still going to be in nappies at school and went through all sorts of emotions - frustration, upset, anger, resignation but then he just got it.

Please do not beat yourself up - some kids get the hang of it earlier, some later - I am sure DS just wasn't getting the right physical messages about needing to go. It will happen when it happens.

in the meantime just take a deep breath and buy more wet wipes! Wink

PiperIsOrange · 18/10/2014 13:06

It's a load of bullshit that children have to be toilet trained before they can start nursery/school.

It's discrimination.

Original poster
Spaceboundeminem · 18/10/2014 14:47

Thanks piperls I will try and get her in wearing nappies.

OP posts:
ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties · 18/10/2014 15:04

There's no "try". The pre. school are not allowed to refuse children in nappies. She won't be the only one either. They should work with you to come up with a plan regarding your continuing potty training of her.x

HibiscusIsland · 18/10/2014 15:26

Having had one child who got the hang of potty training in two days and one who only got the hang of it the Spring before she started reception, I'm convinced it's not the parents' fault. One of my dds was referred to a speech therapist by her preschool and one the reception teacher said didn't speak to her all year. (She was scared of her because she shouted.) They are now in the juniors and doing well academically, so it hasn't mattered in the long run. As I'm sure you know, autism and asd/adhd are certainly not down to anything you've done wrong.

x2boys · 18/10/2014 15:44

If it makes you feel better I have a four and a half year old also with ASD he is no where,near toilet trained he is also non verbal,my seven year old is neurotypical and was only reliably toilet trained at three years two months it can be a lot tougher with a child with special needs your doing well !

Original poster
Spaceboundeminem · 18/10/2014 15:54

Thanks all.

OP posts:
BustyCraphopper · 18/10/2014 16:02

My dd1 is 3 1/4 and is at preschool still wearing nappies. Just refuses to potty/toilet train. Preschool are fine with it. Incidentally she was walking and talking before 11 months, talking in sentences by 18 months, and still can't manage ride on toys or scooters, can't be trusted to walk anywhere reliably so is still in a buggy as well. Grin

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 18/10/2014 16:11

Pfft. You are not a bad mother, and your DCs will turn out fine. Youngest DB wasn't completely dry overnight until he was 9. He's a highly regarded professional with a First. My friend's younger boy wasn't intelligible until he was six. Junior black belt. Dneff is ASD with sensory issues: he's been class rep in Y1 & 2 because he is just so kind and lovely.

PartyMatron · 18/10/2014 19:02

I know what you mean - but the truth is you're probably working harder than most for your kids - and with the added struggle of isolation when your DC don't develop at the same pace as their peers.

(My non talker is now Y3; still lisps ... But the apple of his piano teacher's eye ... And is writing a 'chapter book' in his spare time. They do grow into their skin.)

PiperIsOrange · 18/10/2014 19:10

www.councilfordisabledchildren.org.uk/resources/cdcs-resources/my-rights-your-responsibility/personal-care

Hope this help you, loads of resources and information regarding the DDA and children.

MrsAtticus · 18/10/2014 19:15

You sound to me like a good mother who has helped your children to chieve important milestones despite special needs Thanks

MrsPiggie · 18/10/2014 19:20

DS wasn't potty trained till 3y8m, DD at around 3. Big deal, do you see many adults out there who go to work in nappies? They'll get there when they get there, it doesn't make you a bad mother. It looks like you've got a lot on your plate and doing just fine.

Original poster
Spaceboundeminem · 18/10/2014 19:28

Thanks all. I know it's irrational but I sometimes wonder what if they don't have a learning disability and I am just not very good at teaching them things.

OP posts:
harihippo · 18/10/2014 19:57

You sound like a lovely mum to me. A crap mum wouldn't care.
Give yourself a break.

ButternutBosc · 18/10/2014 21:22

My son has asd and wasn't fully toilet trained until just before he turned 5. A lot of other children I know with asd were late to toilet train too. You're not a failure, don't blame yourself.

RandomMess · 18/10/2014 21:27

I think you've done amazingly well to cope with 3 dc that have been late talkers (they get sooooooooo frustrated when they can't communicate), you did manage to toilet train them! Throw into the mix ASD/ADHD diagnosis and I think you're doing great to still be sane. Additional needs to add so much more pressure.

Also was is toilet trained? As far as I'm concerned it's when they take themselves off to the loo each and every time without prompting or help etc. I bet most of these aren't actually there yet...

foreverton · 18/10/2014 22:37

My ds is now 11, has AS, and was potty trained at 2, almost 3.
My dd is 3.8 and still in nappies at night and is only recently trained, as in the last 6 weeks
She was quick at absolutely everything, apart from potty/toilet training.
Please don't beat yourself up about it. You're a good mum:) remember that xx

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