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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that it should be illegal to send unsolicited knob photos?

48 replies

MsVestibule · 17/10/2014 21:37

I am, of course, referring to online dating. Apart from being absolutely vile, and fairly unlikely to make a woman think "Hmm, that's the sort of man I want to spend an evening/the rest of my life with", surely it can't be legal to do this? Would it be illegal to send er, intimate photos through the post when the recipient hadn't asked for them?

I can imagine that a woman would be laughed out of the police station if she reported it, but are these men actually committing an offence?

OP posts:

Original poster

MsVestibule · 18/10/2014 08:46

newdawn I understand what you're saying and it's interesting to see a different perspective. I know police resources aren't finite; I just feel that it appears to be so commonplace now, that if a few people were prosecuted/cautioned, it may make it less acceptable and less likely to happen if they knew it may affect their employment opportunities.

I don't agree that men only send these to make a woman swoon (maybe Darcy should have drawn one for Elizabeth Bennet!). I imagine that even the women who say 'no cock pics' on the profile receive them because some men get a thrill out of shocking and disgusting women.

moomin do you think your brother would have wanted to continue the friendship if he knew he was harassing his sister like that?

OP posts:

Rebecca2014 · 18/10/2014 08:52

Surely if so many men do it, there are women out there who like it?

laurageordie · 18/10/2014 08:53

Only if they are ugly. I've dated guys that are fitness models and they looked great in naughty photos. Don't install Snapchat love.

AskYourselfWhy · 18/10/2014 09:18

NewDawn. It is interesting to hear another point if view. I understand there are some instances where it could be seen as silly - it must depend on the photo too- but if the guy is sending it unsolicited and because it gives him a thrill to have sent it the I see that as an offensive thing to do. I think the intent of the sender is very relevent. If someone sent an unsolicited knob shot to my 18 year old DD I wouldn't find it 'silly' at all.

I'm sure there are instances where this could and should be reported to the police.

Mind, I get angry enough when I'm sent a spam marketing text

Original poster

MsVestibule · 18/10/2014 09:24

laura I'm not actually planning in installing any dating apps - think DH (controlling man that he is) might object.

I honestly don't care that these photos are sent between consenting adults. If that floats your boat, then fine. But an unasked for, close up photo of a knob, is not OK.

Rebecca you must be right. I just don't personally know any.

OP posts:

FreudiansSlipper · 18/10/2014 09:26

I disagree I think sending these photos to a young adult can feel threatening it is also taking a decision away from you, I have so little respect for you I think it's ok to send you a picture of my cock without any invitation to do so

I agree police have more serious incidents to deal with but we are starting to recognise that we need to treat online bullying seriously we have to look at other areas of social interaction that has changed and how to keep boundaries so people feel safe and comfortable

These men (and women) who are sending these photos need to start take responsibility not those receiving them to change the way they behave

Why should I or others who simply want to go on a date accept that some men think it's ok to send these pictures (not taking about sites where you are meeting up for sex) it's not

And most importantly we need to be telling our children this is absolutely not acceptable this is not the social norm and those that choose to send pictures like this should be made to realise what they are doing is wrong

SevenZarkSeven · 18/10/2014 10:42

Really I think YANBU.

If a man at work sent me a picture of his cock I'd be telling HR.
If a sixth-form boy sent a girl a picture of his dick you'd be talking to the school.
If a neighbour sent your old mum a picture of his knob you'd think OK that's not right I need to do something here.

So the fact that the man has got a woman's number from a dating site doesn't make any difference. Joining a dating site should not mean you are somehow tacitly inviting knob pictures. and so really what's your problem.

I think it is modern day flashing. The men sending unsolicited pictures aren't doing it because they think women will respond positively and say yes please I'd love a bit of that, they are doing it because it excites them to do so (whether sexually or because they are doing something they know they ought not) and to get a reaction - any reaction - from the woman. In that sense it is exactly the same as men who yell sexual stuff at you from cars and that type of thing. It is low grade sexual harrassment.

Of course the police wouldn't be interested, as they aren't for much more obviously illegal acts of this type against women (or they didn't used to be anyway).

I think we should have zero tolerance in society for men behaving this way towards women and girls - the knob shots, the following, the flashing, the shouting stuff, the creepy propositioning, all of it, should not be acceptable at all.

Original poster

MsVestibule · 18/10/2014 11:09

I think it's the 'what can you do about it, it's just men being silly' attitude that bothers me the most. If I was receiving them, I know I could just delete and block, but why should we have to put up with this medium/low level sexual harassment?

OP posts:

Fluffyears · 18/10/2014 11:16

Or send back a message saying 'really is that all you have? Sorry I need a real man!'

PhaedraIsMyName · 18/10/2014 11:22

You can roll your eyes in disgust and delete/block or snigger, it's silly, not malicious or threatening

And who needs the police not to take sexual harassment seriously when we women are so good at minimising it ourselves.

Yanbu and like others have said I'd be surprised if it wasn't an offence.

scatteroflight · 18/10/2014 11:49

When I did online dating I never once got sent a knob shot. Was I doing it wrong? It would have been handy I think to sort the wheat from the chaff.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/10/2014 11:55

YANBU its likely to make me go, no thank you! Dealbreaker imho.

StillFrigginRexManningDay · 18/10/2014 12:01

I think its another way of men being able to make women uncomfortable. The recipient of the picture is in a sense being forced to look at the senders penis.

Trills · 18/10/2014 12:02

Just a bit of fun?

Once might seem like that.

Repeatedly? No.

Just like catcalls in the street are not compliments.

Have you seen this? Man pretending to be a women on online dating, finds out how awful it can be.

NickiFury · 18/10/2014 12:04

I agree actually. I think it's revolting and the fact that it us part of the landscape of modern day dating has put me off entirely.

NickiFury · 18/10/2014 12:06

I agree still.

Hollerback · 18/10/2014 12:07

I was plagued by these when I used on on-line date. I was never offended, but I never went out with a guy that did this.

Now I'm back to on-line dating I put a no dick-pics caveat on my profile and I haven't received one.

TunipTheUnconquerable · 18/10/2014 12:11

I wonder if there's any research on whether it's a gateway crime to actual flashing, just as flashing is a gateway crime to more serious sexual assault. I wouldn't be surprised.

phantomnamechanger · 18/10/2014 12:12

^ this
you should not be shown someone's cock IRL without consenting, so why are photos any different.

It is an invasion of someone's safe personal space IMO, whether there is any real "threat" or not.
Same as a dirty call I once got in the middle of the night from some sicko talking about what a big hot hunk of meat he had in his hand for me. Even though DH was right there with me and sicko guy had probably dialled a random number and did not even know who I was, let alone where it made me feel totally bleurgh.
I also think people who are inexperienced, only ever had one or 2 partners etc, may possibly feel less comfortable with this than someone who is more experienced, had had many partners and indulged in one night stands etc. Less shocking to them perhaps, I don't know.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/10/2014 12:12

Ok once, I would have a little chuckle and delete him and his profile. No thank you. That would put me off, because of the type of man that sends these sorts of photos. Not a respectful and decent one.

phantomnamechanger · 18/10/2014 12:13

Oh and if you don't mind/quite like watching porn etc anyway, it's also probably less of a big deal to see a random cock

SevenZarkSeven · 18/10/2014 13:01

That's an interesting link Trills.

reinforces this idea that "normal" men have literally NO IDEA of the sheer level of shit that pretty much all females put up with from shortly after puberty

and that if they started to maybe something would start to be done about it all

Hatespiders · 18/10/2014 17:03

I bet it isn't their own knobs they're sending. I bet they've downloaded some porn star's huge appendage. They probably only have a teeny weeny little chipolata to offer.
I find it very offensive, but on line it's difficult to prosecute, I should imagine.
Some men seem to think that a view of their willy will send us into transports of delight. (In reverse, I suppose they might be very attracted to a pic of a lady's bits, but we aren't attracted in the same way, usually)
I'd be completely repelled. Knobs are very nice, but you need to get to know a man first, not just his Best Friend.

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