Am i putting you much pressure on him?

[Rockingrobin69]

My partner and I have been together on and off for nearly two years.
i have a five year old DS from a previous relationship
he has no kids
we get on really well but i feel there is ae serious lack of commitment on his part. i cant go out hardly ever as i have DS so my DP always has to come to mine. i feel this is a really uneasy balance that he holds over me, e.g he always dictates when we see each other
he gets on well enough with DS but no more than any other my other close friends. he will play with him sometimes and cook for him if were eating....but thats it, and they do nothing alone
Due to my dp refusing to come over more than once a week due to "life things", I feel like we dont see each other very much and feel depressed and when i ask to see him more he says he feels #pressured"
im beginning to feel that he doesnt love me as much as i love him
Am I being unfair as he has to travel to me all the time?
I feel like our relationship should have progressed by now. Am I expecting too much?

No, you're not expecting too much - it's perfectly reasonable for you, after two years, to want to be in a more solid relationship.

However, it's also ok for him to not want to be in that kind of relationship - if he feels he doesn't want to become a step-dad to your DS, for example.

Neither of you is wrong for wanting a particular type of relationship. The problem is that what each of you wants isn't compatible with the other - and if that's the case, it's possibly better for each of you to find someone else who you can be happy with.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to think your relationship should have progressed by now. I do think you are being unreasonable to think that there is a chance that this man will ever commit to you. An "on and off for nearly two years" relationship doesn't sound like a stable one, especially if he only sees you once a week. That once a week visit sounds like a booty call to me. He sounds crap.

I think someone you only see once a week, and has no real involvement in your life is more of a 'boyfriend' than a 'partner' - it's not much of a partnership really, is it?

Which would be fine if you wanted a boyfriend you could see now and then, but that doesn't sound the case. You want a partner - someone whose life is significantly entwined with your own.

Like Ginocchio says, it's not that either of you is right or wrong, you are just on different pages here. If what he wants out of the relationship is different from what you want, then sometimes that's just a sign that this isn't the right relationship for either of you.

After 2 years I would expect you to be living together.

Why have you started yet another thead today saying the same thing as yesterday?

Yesterday's Thread

Why did you start a new thread on this? Not that you can't if you want, but I think you'd be better keeping things on a single thread rather than have confusing conversations when you've added detail to that one that isn't here. It just gets complicated to follow!

il delete the other thread then, as theres a lot more responses on am i being unreasonable, just in the five mins since ive posted it

sorry if ive offended anyone! just wanted a bit of advice before a big "chat" tonight

other thread deleted....Thanks for your responses, its really hard to consider leaving someone I still love, I've never had that experience before.
I do feel guilty with him doing all the running eg travelling to me all the time

OP, you need to have a serious chat with him about what you both want from your relationship and where you can see it going?

19lottie82 I agree, whenever we have before he says he likes to enjoy the moment and "see where it goes" !

It's not really a partnership if you don't live together, he's just your boyfriend, and it sounds like a very casual relationship at that. I'd expect to be living with someone after two years.

But, from his view, if he moves in with you, he effectively becomes a step-parent to your DS and that's a BIG commitment and it's very different to playing with him for an hour a week and maybe cooking dinner once in a while. Is he really ready for all of that? It sounds like you're in different places.

Would he enjoy seeing it go nowhere as in ending? That doesn't sound like my idea of fun.

Finding good quality relationships when you have previous children can be a challenge. You have more responsibilities and your new partner needs to get on/accept both your child and your situation. There is no 'being a step parent rule book' but if there was it would be full of subtleties. Some men just get on easier with this situation than others. It is a big commitment and I would worry if your DP is truly ready for it. I think you need lay on the line what you need from him. It's a brave move - but you sound like you need to know if he is capable of committing to the situation. If he isn't - then maybe its time to move on. There are men out there that are capable of being considerate step-parents and this just adds to the love and stability you feel.

If you want a proper relationship then you deserve to have that. He doesn't have to want that but you're allowed to want it. You've given him
two years. Ask him directly. If he isn't up for it, move on and next time be clear about what you want and "own it girl"

ithoughtofitfirst what do you mean by would it enjoy seeing it go nowhere e.g ending? do you mean hes not bothered if it ends or carries on?

No i just meant that if he drives you to end things then he wouldn't enjoy the direction things had gone in then. He'd be gutted. Sorry i just re read whst i said and even i was like eh?

I'm really interested in the replies to this OP as I feel like I am in exactly the same situation. We've been together since feb 2011 and dated pretty seriously since then - he lives quite near me in his own property. I have a son aged 8 from a previous relationship- they get on really well.
I have tried to be clear that I want to be settled, in a happy relationship and ultimately to be married.
These discussions led to us becoming engaged earlier this year and I thought that this might be a turning point and lead to us becoming more like partners.
This hasn't happened and I can feel myself getting more upset and frustrated as time goes on.
We are just like boyfriend/girlfriend - there are barriers to our bring together- he works from 6 am. I work nights. He doesn't really stay overnight because of this. Perhaps twice a month.
There are barriers to us living together too- neither of our properties would suit us living together.
I feel like I coast along enjoying being with him- really loving him and then every couple of months I just question what the hell I'm doing.
We've discussed and discussed what to do - his attitude is that we are working towards being together and we will get married and have the 'ever after' and that I want things to happen too quickly.
I don't know what to do I feel lonely a lot of the time. We do have a great time together, we laugh and talk and love each other. We go on holiday together, just us and the 3 of us. Then he goes home. He has lived alone for a long time, and was hurt when his (only) LTR ended (years ago) I'm 38 in a couple of months. He's 50 next year. He does love me I know he does and we are really good together. Can I turn my back on what I have now? I'm just not the type of person to issue ultimatums but I'm tired of trying to persuade him that our new life is waiting for us.

Is your DS's father still in his life? If not, and you are hoping your DP will take on the father role, well that's a LOT of pressure. Could he be feeling this and resisting it, knowing its not for him?

Honestly OP if you want a serious relationship with this man and you want him to be a part of your child's life this is about as far away from that as possible.

Is it an age thing on his part do you think,is he very young?

I met my DH when I already had 4DC,he is 7 years younger than me as well,but within 2 years we were living together and engaged and he was as much Dad as I am Mum to all our DC.

OP I'm sorry, but based on my many stupid relationships of old, it is pretty obvious that he is not interested in a serious commitment and does not love you in the way that you want. He is stringing you along because he likes having guaranteed sex and companionship once a week and having someone adore him, and he is too chicken to tell you the truth.

'I like to enjoy the moment' arrrrgh that is just the script for guys who have no intention of ever committing.

I'm sorry to be harsh but spare yourself months and years of agony and tell him tonight what you want, if he can't step up to that then call it off and move on with your life.

If you want a serious relationship, it will never happen while you're hanging around waiting for this guy. Go off and be single and then at least you have a chance of finding someone great.

I have to agree - he's not your partner, he's an occasional date. If he was your partner, you would be going out and doing things as a family. Why can't you take your DS round to his house? Neither of you seem very committed to this relationship.

Mabelstark i sympathise with you!

Ds's dad sees him every other weekend for the weekend, aside from that nothing-not even phone calls!

DP is 4 years older than me (33) and i think living very immaturely in a shared house of 30 something professionals. it is not very child friendly so i rarely take my ds there, maybe 3 times a year

dreamingbohemian funny you should say "companionship"...when I asked my DP what he thought a relationship was the first thing he said was companionship!

After reading some of the replies here I'm going to start my own thread in Relationships - I feel like I need some perspective...