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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

which one is being unreasonable?

18 replies

pennygirl26 · 17/10/2014 11:55

My DP has 2 DC with his EXP. neither my DP or his EXP drive.
We have the DC 9 nights a month. Normally i do all the picking up dropping off and have done for the past year and a half.
The DC live 20 mins from where we live.
My DP's EX's new partner also drives and has kids who live in the same town as me and DP.
On Tuesday my car broke and has been written off. We have contact EX to explain as we were supposed to have the kids till this morning.We explained we would need to bring them back thursday night.EX said she was going out and couldnt have them. Explained this is the only time we will have a car available to us. EX refused this my DP has now said that EXP can now pick them up.She has stated that she doesnt have a car,Said her new DP could help.They have refused to do this and demanded we drop them off.
WIBU?

so to not drip feed, EXP has picked kids up twice in 1.5 years but drives past our home every sunday but refuses to stop and pick them up and demands i drive them home so we are practically driving the whole way behind them.Also EXP was ill last year i bent over backwards moving shifts being out the house from 7am till 11pm running around picking and dropping kids off and also splitting my shifts so i still worked my hours.I didnt even get a thanks.

I know alot of people will say its nothing to do with me.However as EXP demands that i drive them home and no one from my family or DP family.

OP posts:

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie · 17/10/2014 11:58

Taxi?

FinallyHere · 17/10/2014 11:58

Wondering what will happen if you don't do as demanded?

gamerchick · 17/10/2014 12:02

Time to stop.

Let your bloke organise his contact. I wouldn't dream of leaving it to my husband to sort it all out and rearrange his life so he can. He doesn't mind the pick up and drop off if it's convenient or its lashing down but usually my ex picks up and drops off and he doesn't have a car.

WooWooOwl · 17/10/2014 12:03

YANBU it not take them back if you have no way of getting them home. Let them stay with you until you get transport sorted again.

riverboat1 · 17/10/2014 12:07

Not sure I quite understand everything. Are you saying you gave her two options: either you drop the DC back to her earlier than normal OR you keep them til the normal time but she has to sort pick up as you wont have transport? And she refused both options?

Nicknacky · 17/10/2014 12:14

It might be time for your H to learn to drive as that will take the emphasis off you then.

Nanny0gg · 17/10/2014 12:37

It might be time for your H to learn to drive as that will take the emphasis off you then.

A few issues with that...

a) The OP and her partner may not be able to afford this
b) There may be a reason her DP can't
c) The OP's car has just been written off
d) Doesn't sort out the lack of involvement of the Ex and her DP

Nicknacky · 17/10/2014 12:44

I agree, it's not that easy but long term it will assist. It's not fair that the burden is all on the op, what if she is away, ill?

It's not really the new partners responsibility to organise pick up and drop offs. The exp may need to consider learning to drive also.

I would imagine there is also a back story to all this and it's not just about a drop off.

Charitybelle · 17/10/2014 12:51

Agree with woowoo. EXP has refused both options, so just keep the kids til car is sorted. Unless there is a problem with this? Childcare issues?
If EXP doesn't like it, they'll be quick to sort out some kind of pick up I'd imagine.

Original poster

pennygirl26 · 17/10/2014 16:04

Pourquo... If we could do that we would have, Howver money is an issue as need to sort out a car for future times.

Finally Here.. i think we will find out on saturday if i dont do as she has demanded.

Gamer... My DP does organise it all. Im normally happy to do most pick up/Drop off. My parents or his parents used to also help out. No EXP has decided she doesnt want this.

Woowoo.. we would love that however we both work FT EXP doesnt work.

Riverboat.. Yes we have said i would have taken them back last night rather than 9am thismorning as i could borrow a car for the evening.And also asked if EXP could pick them up from fri moning to sat eve all was refused.

Nanny... There is some other issues with my DP learning to drive but hoping that it will be done in the next 2 years at the moment we arent able to do this.you are right in that area.

Charitybelle.. thats the plan just now the DC's can stay as long as they like we love having them there. My DP also has a week off work next week our only issue is transport to school as thats a 25 min drive from our home.

I just feel EXP is doing this on purpose and worry its upsetting DC's. A few months ago EXP DP crashed his car. DP at that time changed our plans to accomodate to make sure they were able to go get a new car however EXP doesnt wish to give us the same back.

OP posts:

Nomama · 17/10/2014 16:19

So... how does EXP get to make all of those decisions?

Why can't grandparents drop the kids back home?

Does she have an legal legs to stand on with all this demanding?

Get your DH to make himself heard, he has as much right to parent his kids as she does... doesn't he?

Snatchoo · 17/10/2014 16:37

Well I think giving an ultimatum now when she has called all the shots before will not go down well. Not to say that I don't agree with you.

Can you not get a bus/train this once and then get a more formal arrangement in place from next week? It seems very unfair that a) she is presumably having everything on her terms; and b) this is inconveniencing you far more than your DP.

FWIW, DSS lives 40 miles away from us and we don't have a car. If we did, it would be me it fell to for the collections and drop offs as DH doesn't drive. However, DHs ex is reasonable and when we both had cars (as in the period we have known one another, she has learned to drive, I have had periods of having and not having a car) we have shared the pick ups and drop offs.

She has no right to decide that parents can't do this and your DP is being a drip to not stand up to her about that!

Original poster

pennygirl26 · 17/10/2014 16:53

In the past few months when he stands up to her. She stops contact. There has been several issues. he pays 100 more per month then CSA said he needs to. He still pays the mortgage on their house as wants to make sure his DC's are safe,When we have the kids she doesnt send them with as much as a clean pair of boxers. Thats all fine we are happy to provide everything they need when they are with us.
The last time (8 months ago) EXP picked them up she asked us for petrol money as it cost her 6 petrol to get them.
Im now getting very fed up of all this. He stood up to her last night and said we will not be returning the kids. EXP can pick them up (as she will be going past our home on sat and sun) EXP just laughed.
Public transprt would me a 1 hour train journey and then a 40 min bus journey and then a 5 min take there and back Rediculous i know but we both live in small villiages with very little transport.
DP

OP posts:

Suefla62 · 17/10/2014 16:56

Go to court and get a formal order.

wantstolickwilliamgraham · 17/10/2014 19:32

Sounds like a control game. I agree with Sue, get a court order. She sounds very unreasonable not to budge even once when really needed, if you wanted them to do a share in it then I'd say you were unreasonable since she takes care of the childrens needs for twice the lenth of time your DP does it's the least he can do.

As a one off- unreasonable- with the rest of your updates, sounds like she likes the control.

wantstolickwilliamgraham · 17/10/2014 19:32

A one off, she's unreasonable that should say.

sykadelic · 17/10/2014 20:18

She laughed because she knows you'll play to her tune.

I'd pick the kids up and she can come and get them when she wants them back.

If there isn't a court order, what's stopping your DP from keeping the kids? Get a court order.

Stop being so accommodating and being shocked when it's not returned. She sounds awful!

Original poster

pennygirl26 · 18/10/2014 15:39

She is a little controlling if it doesnt go 100% her way its hell. My DP has an apt to see a family lawyer next week.
At the moment we still have the DC's with us. EXP hasnt called or text to askhow they are and we picked them up tuesday morning.DC's are starting to miss her, Its a shame, Wish for one time to solve the issue she would move a little and collect the DC's,
In my eyes they are both the DC's parents and both have to sort situations out when it cant be helped.

OP posts:

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