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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask what on earth my sister lives about her 'd'h...?

51 replies

Fixerupperz · 16/10/2014 17:51

I cannot fathom it.
Shes is 18, he is 19. He cheats on her all the time and sexts other younger girls, reminds her that he pays for everything, tries to isolate her from her family and already has isolated her from her friends, is a drug user and dealer, has been violent on a couple of occasions, ruins her time when shes away from him by ringinf her all day.
The list is endless and its so frustrating, shes an articulate, educated, attractive girl who was so confident. I dispair.
She cant tell me what she loves about him but wont leave him.
I just wanted someone to sound off to, sorry.

OP posts:

needyoumorethanwantyou · 16/10/2014 19:52

She knows all the same things about him that you know I presume?.

They're very young. How long have they been together?.

Original poster

Fixerupperz · 16/10/2014 19:55

Yes she tells me all this, theyve been together 2 years and she said it hasnt always been like this, to which i replied no i suppose it was bit by bit graduly wearing you down and isolating you from the people who care for you. I feel like im losing my best friend, and there's nothing i can do about it.

OP posts:

jellybelly701 · 16/10/2014 20:06

Is it possible for your DH to look after the DC one night and you and your pDS go and spend some quality time together? Ask her to turn her phone off and go out and have some fun. Show her what she is missing out on and really let your hair down. Sometimes you need reminding of how things used to be before you realise just how bad things have become.

Ticktockblock · 16/10/2014 20:07

This makes me so sad. I've read lots of things a like this and it scares the crap out of me as we have 3 DD's .

Have you had a heart to heart with her?
Did he say those things about your DH and dd infront of you or did your sister tell you?

Ticktockblock · 16/10/2014 20:09

You say she's moving out tomorrow on a flat you have paid the deposit on? How is she paying the rent if she doesn't work? That's a bit risky if you are guarantor isn't it?

Original poster

Fixerupperz · 16/10/2014 20:16

He said these things TO my Dp on the phone. We go out a bit but she doesnt tell him and she leaves her phone on and goes into toilets or quiet areas etc to answer.
Ive got a feeling weve made a massive mistake with the guarentor thing, i can handle the deposit money not being returned but i think ive made a massivr mistake being the guarentor. I did it because i thought it would get her out of his clurtches, somewhere she can call her own where he cant threaten to kick her out when he doesnt like something she says/does. He says things to her like "Get off the bed, I paid for this", IVe heard them arguing about this sort of stuff so i know its all true.
The idea here of her own place was independance and not having to rely on him.

OP posts:

mummyrainbows · 16/10/2014 20:21

I'm trying to keep up but have no ideas what DS DP and AIBU mean...very confusing. anyway iv been in a relationship very similar to this one (but not AS bad) the guy i was seeing was alot older (i was 18 he was maybe, 45) he did drugs and also had a partner at home and he was basically not a great guy he hit me and all sorts. I stayed put because i didnt really know any different and thought it was normal(?) Wen i was about 20 and after another fight, something just clicked, I grew up and I rang him up and finished it..as simple as that. And never looked back. I'm 29 now, don't drink don't do drugs, have a normal quiet life with two kids and my partner and I look back now and wonder why on earth I wasted some of my best years on him (18-20) getting high because he supplied me with endless amounts of free weed and hash and wasting my life when all of my friends were out being "normal"

Moral of my story...she WILL grow up one day and she will see sense and get bored and realise life is so much more than this. You just need to make sure you're there when it happens. Good luck x

mummyrainbows · 16/10/2014 20:24

Saying all that though, if it was one of my daughters one day (i have 2) I would have him up by the scruff of his neck with a very clear warning of what will happen if he ever came near again. It wouldn't be pretty. I wouldn't let anyone get away with treating my daughters how I was treated. I would end up in jail

LineRunner · 16/10/2014 20:25

mummyrainbows, there's a list of what the terms like 'DP' mean under 'acronyms' at the top of the page.

DirtyOldTown · 16/10/2014 20:25

So you didn't discuss the logistics of how she would pay rent when she's not working at all?

Original poster

Fixerupperz · 16/10/2014 20:25

Thankyou Rainbows. Its a case of waiting then maybe, my mum left her abusive dp oooh 16 years later and the cheek of it was.... he was sick of her! I cant sit back and watch my sister waste 16 years!!

OP posts:

Gruntfuttock · 16/10/2014 20:27

mummyrainbows here's some help with the acronyms www.mumsnet.com/info/acronyms

Original poster

Fixerupperz · 16/10/2014 20:28

Dirty, housing benefit covers her rent, she has been claiming job seekers, she is very employable imo but he also hates that she has done the work experience, ne day he said if you go in i will throw myself off a bridge.

OP posts:

mummyrainbows · 16/10/2014 23:08

Thank you @linerunner certainly makes a lot more sense now

WyrdByrd · 17/10/2014 07:51

'he says if you go in I'll throw myself off a bridge'

Can't think of a better reason for your Dsis to get a job!

Original poster

Fixerupperz · 17/10/2014 08:11

Haha I know! The things he says are utterly ridiculous, hes a laughing stock. Today she is collecting her things, i asked what time and the reply from him was "oooh when we feel like getting up" Like I can just sit around and wait for them all day

I feel used as hell too because he has said she doesnt want anything more to do with us.... after all we've done for her. That hasn't come from her mouth as she has no phone and he said if she wants to ring me she can use a payphone.

OP posts:

WyrdByrd · 17/10/2014 09:38

Could you buy her a payg phone that she could keep on the sly?

He sounds terrifying tbh - hopefully he'll get put away in the not too distant future.

Petallic · 17/10/2014 09:46

I also dated a low life when a similar age to your sister. The only advice I can offer is to try introduce her to as many people and things as you can. Take her anywhere you can to broaden her world away from him. I wouldn't have listened to any advice at that age but maybe if I had realised that there was a whole other world out there I wouldn't have stayed with my dickhead DP so long. Good luck OP.

Original poster

Fixerupperz · 17/10/2014 10:05

She has met nice people but then shes too scared to stay in touch, she literally has 0 friends.
I cang give her a payg phone hel find it for sure. He wont park outside my house because he is afraid of my DP, so hes a bully who will beat and manipulate women but wont be confronted by a man. I wish he was dead.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fixerupperz · 17/10/2014 17:20

Quick update, she came to collect her stuff, demanded i ring her a taxi,and when i refused due to her being a rude cow, she started screaming at us that we need our kids taking off us, im a shit mum etc etc.... so i closed the door on her and she kicked my front door.
I dont even know what to do from here

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 17/10/2014 17:47

I would cut her off, I am afraid

You may care about her, but she doesn't give a shit about you (at the moment anyway)

She is an adult (allegedly). Leave her to her own devices. You are not her parent. But I would leave the door open for her to return if she has a fuckign word with herself, gets a grip and starts acknowledging that you are only trying to help.

AnyFucker · 17/10/2014 17:48

No way would I act as guarantor either. That is going to come back and bite you on the arse.

Original poster

Fixerupperz · 17/10/2014 17:59

What are my rights in regards to getting out of the contract of being the guarentor does anyone know?
I feel never speaking to her again right now, i niavely assumed she would be all apologetic and we could at least talk. I think im going to have to wait until she finally fucks him off.... could be years couldnt it!!
I feel so selfish saying this but weve had so much going on lately and things are finally starting to sort themselves out and all this is just bringing us down.
I must be bloody stupid.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 17/10/2014 18:19

Maybe speak to Citizens Advice bureau

There may be a cooling off period so act quick

Original poster

Fixerupperz · 17/10/2014 18:24

Thanks anyfucker.

OP posts:

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