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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want another baby after termination

21 replies

Kab13 · 16/10/2014 15:59

I had an early medical termination in January. Due to finances, my health and general stability.
I don't regret it, I regret putting myself in the situation in the first place but I truly believe no matter how much it breaks my heart, I made the right decision.
My dd wasn't even a year old and I was very concerned about how I would cope and how this would affect her.
Let's just say, things have got a lot better. my health problems (just and under active thyroid but before levels were sorted I couldn't get out of bed on a bad day) is sorted and my medication is finally working, dp has got a promotion and we are financially a lot more stable and my dd has finally got into a routine and just about finally sleeps through (even if it is only until 5am).
I feel horrendous that the pregnancy had to be terminated even more now I'm contemplating another child in 2015/early 2016.
I don't feel I "deserve" it. But I feel that I've always wanted my dd to have a sibling and I too would want 2 children :(
Is anyone willing to share their stories of conceiving after a termination? Am I completely unreasonable to expect to be blessed again when I threw my last chance away.
My mind tells me it's logical and fair but my heart will never forgive what I've done.

OP posts:

PiperIsOrange · 16/10/2014 16:08

Yanbu to ttc, the termination was right for you in January.

Not no personal experience of ttc after a termination, but I don't see any reason why ttc would be difficult.

Good luck.

KirjavaTheCat · 16/10/2014 16:08

You didn't throw your last chance away, you made a painful but necessary decision for your health and family. Of course you 'deserve' another chance. If you feel the time is right, don't let your guilt hold you back.

jellybelly701 · 16/10/2014 16:09

I think you need to consider a few things. You say your medication has finally started working. Would you be able to continue with those meds if you was to get pregnant? Would having another child disrupt your DDs routine?

Anyway, YANBU. You made a decision based on what is best for you. You are not any less deserving of a child because you have had a termination. If you are ready for a child now and all previous issues have been resolved then go for it. Again you are not any less deserving.

minidisco · 16/10/2014 16:11

I had an early medical termination three years ago, that I was pressured into by my husband due to various reasons. I have regretted not being strong enough to go ahead with the pregnancy alone every day since.

I had my dd in November last year, and although I still feel terrible guilt, she is the best thing ever, and if I hadn't of had the termination we would not have her.

Original poster

Kab13 · 16/10/2014 16:16

jellybelly701 pregnancy wouldn't affect my medication, I could still take it and would have to even more so during pregnancy. It could complicate the pregnancy a little though but didn't with my dd :/
It may well affect dds routine, but I think by the time we ttc probably in January 2016 she would be settled properly (I hope, she would be 3 and a half by the time dc2 arrived) .
Just can't help but feel bad for even thinking about it and planning life with another child.
2016 is a while away yet, but I have a lot to consider regarding returning to work etc and studying further and would change my work priorities if I had another baby.

OP posts:

milkpudding · 16/10/2014 16:17

Yanbu, you made the decision with the best interests of your family in mind.

BarbarianMum · 16/10/2014 16:19

No not unreasonable at all. Having a termination isn't an automatic declaration that you will never want a ( nother) child.

Original poster

Kab13 · 16/10/2014 16:19

minidisco sorry to hear you went through that. It's always such a tough decision I can't imagine how I would of coped if me and dp had differing opinions.
Glad to hear you have a lovely dc now, gives me a bit of hope.
:)

OP posts:

Pootles2010 · 16/10/2014 16:23

Yanbu, at all. My only worry was re your medication, but I can see you've already said that's not a problem.

It is nothing to feel bad about. I had one when I was 18, it was the right thing for me, I have never regretted it and nor should you. We do what is right for us, at the time.

ithoughtofitfirst · 16/10/2014 16:24

Yanbu at all. It's great that you feel ready again.

PicaK · 16/10/2014 18:04

Yadnbu. And that's speaking as someone who's done years of infertility treatment. If I don't think you did the wrong thing please stop feeling guilty yourself.

notthatshesaid · 16/10/2014 18:26

It sounds like it was the right decision at the time. And ttc sounds like the right decision for you now. No moral reason at all why you shouldn't have another child. Lots of luck with it and hope it all gets smoothly when you start trying.

BreadForBrains · 16/10/2014 18:29

You made the right decision for you at the time.
Yanbu. Good luck

needsacuppanow · 16/10/2014 18:35

Yanbu. I had a termination 15 years ago. I wasn't in a position to have a baby and my dp at the time didn't want one. I was just starting out in my career and I couldn't see how I could have been a single parent.

A few years later I desperately wanted a baby but felt like I shouldn't because of the termination and that I didn't deserve it. Dh was supportive and wanted dc, so we went for it. Fast foward to now and I now have 2 amazing ds, age 5 and 8. I am blissfully happy as it was the right time for me and my dh.

I still feel a little sad about the termination occasionally and wonder whether that baby would have been like my amazing boys, but I know that it was the right decision at the time and have no regrets.
You took the decision to terminate for a very good reason. Your situation is different, if you want another dc go for it. Good luck!

KnackeredMuchly · 16/10/2014 18:35

Gosh, you are not being unreasonable at all. You appreciate exactly what having a baby entails and you're now in the right place to take care of one.

Why does all that sense mean you shouldn't get pregnant? Good luck

Original poster

Kab13 · 16/10/2014 18:39

Thanks everyone. I hadn't told anyone other than dp so it's nice just to get it off my chest and nice to hear of people having babies again and not being totally consumed by guilt, I am worried if I have another it will make me realise exactly what could have been...but I know that already really.

OP posts:

needsacuppanow · 16/10/2014 18:54

I had the same worries as you but once i had my pfb, coping with a very colicky, non sleeping newborn confirmed to me that the termination was the right decision at the time. I would never have coped as a single, unemployed 25 yr old mum.

Hold on to the fact that you took the best decision for your family at the time.

It's early days, be kind to yourself. The guilt does lessen. Is your dh supportive?

minipie · 16/10/2014 18:58

YANBU at all. Lots of people have had terminations when the time wasn't right for them for various reasons, and go on to have children later when the time is right. I don't think it matters that in your case the time gap is small ish - the important point is that the time wasn't right for you then and it is now.

Original poster

Kab13 · 16/10/2014 18:59

needs dp is very supportive. I think really he would have liked me to keep the baby however he supported me and understood completely, I think he was concerned for all the same reasons I was but wouldn't be the person at home, unwell and broke looking after two little ones so understood why I was so scared about having another.
We are getting married in the winter next year and we both had been thinking that after the wedding would be the perfect time to try and I would have the summer with him and dd (he's a teacher) and dd would be off to pre school a few months after dc2 arrived. I think the fact we both thought this with out speaking to each other and not wanting to say anything in case one of us disagreed speaks volumes. It probably would be a good time for us all.

OP posts:

needsacuppanow · 16/10/2014 19:11

That sounds wonderful, it's fantastic that you are both on the same page. I hope that it all goes to plan. I can recommend a nearly 3 year age gap. My boys are close enough in age to play together and grow up close but the gap was enough so that the early days with ds2 were not too difficult as ds1 was quite independent.
Good luck, really hope it works out for you, your dp and dd.

Justdoaweeonthefuckingpotty · 16/10/2014 19:13

Three year age gap is brill

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