Why Doesn't He Help Clean Up!!... The end of my tether!!

[ChitterChat]

Help!! Getting extremely frustrated with the Mr! He has recently been made redundant which of course is not his fault and he is feeling really down about it given the current climate of finding a job these days. However, as i am working full time and he is now at home, he never does anything around the house to help tidy up and only does so when i nag him to help out! It just seems like everything i ask which i don't think is unreasonable is a big ask! Its actually got to the point where i am starting to resent him and i don't know how to go about making him realise that its not a one way street and i can't do everything! Anyone have the same problem?

Presumably when you both worked full time you shared the chores, so he's not clueless?

It's a body blow that he's taken & I think that for a little while I might tolerate basics only being done, but not for too long!

Does he think that it's "womens work"?

Sit down together the night before and write of list of tasks for him to do the next day.
Lots will be very repetitive and hopefully will sink in so you don't have to keep doing it.
You shouldn't have to do this, I do realise that, but if it's the only thing that will work then do it.
Men like lists. Big lists that they can cross things out of.
Well my OH does anyway.

I can also say, after being in his position before, it's a pretty full time job just looking for a job. Trawling the internet. Tweeking your CV for every application you make. Going round all the recruitment agencies and having interviews.
It was for me anyway.

Why are you couching in terms of 'help'

I only ask because it's an easy trap to fall into: one half of the couple does the majority of the grunt work and only expects 'help' rather than expecting the other to do a fair share

By asking for help you are defacto ensuring you will continue to shoulder the greater load

I find with mine he is happy to help but as hellsbells says he needs a list. When you write down what you need help with it actually might not seem that much but in your head it's like oh this needs doing, thst needs doing and that needs doing and it seems like more than it is.

I would sit him down and say "OK, I know it's been a blow, and you're finding it difficult. But the fact is that the house needs to be kept clean, the dishes need to be washed, the washing machine put on and emptied, and at the moment you are leaving me to do all of that. You need time to apply for jobs, of course, but that doesn't fill all day every day. So - how do you want to sort this out?"

If he doesn't have any suggestions, then you can offer to write a list - maybe a list of things to do every day, or a list of extras you think need done today, or whatever else works.

And he's probably making more mess than before, I suppose?

He needs to start feeling sorry for himself and work full time looking for a job, as well as contributing his fair share, or he could find himself alone feeling sorry for himself.

As for the recent climate, I read very recently that there has been a sharp drop in Unemployment.

He may have a spot of depression, though, in which case he should get help from the GP.

I agree with going through what needs doing and having him agree what he will do. It takes it out of the realms of him helping or doing you a favour.